Written by Bamboo Forest

Photo by magicmonkey
As I laid there I noticed in the distance the brush suddenly began to move. I was intrigued, because up until now the only moving things I spotted were small rodents.
I sat up, and could tell that what was peering through the brush appeared to have human form. After already accepting my impending death, I wasn’t exactly frightened, more like confused.
It showed itself and I knew exactly what it was as it did. The uncontacted tribe found me. I was amazed because I thought I’d have to travel much deeper into the Amazon to find them.
I guess it shouldn’t come as too much a shock; after all, I’ve been calling myself an asshole as loud as I could for the last 45 minutes.
Just as one of them started to approach me, I saw another one come out of the brush, he was pointing an arrow at me. At this point I didn’t even care and instinctively threw my arms up to show that I was submissive to them.
The unarmed man grabbed my arm and held it tightly as he escorted me somewhere; my only guess is it was back to their camp.
I started to say something:
“Whatever, dude, just get me somewhere dry to stay and feed me some deer meat or whatever the hell it is you guys eat out here.”
As I said that, I could swear the native sensed my sarcasm as he grabbed my arm tightly. I pretty much shut my mouth after that. These guys had facial expressions of bark and didn’t say a word to each other.
After what seemed like forever but was probably more like three hours of strenuous walking, we reached their camp. When the rest of the tribe saw me, they all gasped. I witnessed an old man in the corner scream. I have no idea what he said but I was certain it was something like, “we must kill the evil forest spirit before he poisons our children.”
Yeah. I was pretty much up shits creek.
I was escorted into a hut without a door. There was a native at the opening standing guard.
I was feeling optimistic. Maybe they were preparing me for some kind of ritual before taking me in as one of their own! Just before falling to sleep, I couldn’t wait for what tomorrow would bring. I was, however, still concerned they had evil intentions, but figured if they were going to kill me, why wait? Unless, of course, they’re superstitious jungle people who are going to make a whole ritual out of torturing me slowly.
It took me a while to get to sleep that night.
When I woke up… a young man stormed into my hut ridiculously early in the morning and grabbed me by my arm. He rushed me to where, I have no idea. We walked through the forest until we reached a completely circular clearing in the midst of the jungle.
I saw a bunch of tribesman standing in a circle and all I could think of was Indiana Jones.
The Indians in the circle made a small opening and the young man kicked me through it. I lost my balance and rolled like this was the beginning of me getting a beat down by a bunch of jungle natives in the Amazon.
I slowly got up.
Then one nutty looking Indian with a u shaped bone piercing both his lips, and a face as red as a cherry began to point a bone at me while the rest of the natives chanted crazy shit. It went something like this:
Buuu Lam LAAA, Buuu Lam LAAA…
I knew exactly what was going down, but surprised this ritual was practiced outside Australia.
The aborigines of Australia have a ritual where the shaman takes a bone that has been ritually prepared to exact specifications and points it at the victim. The victim believes so strongly that this process is cursing him, he dies either days or weeks later. This has actually been documented many times.
But I wasn’t buying into their voodoo shit. They’re messing with the wrong cat. The reason some victims have died from this ritual is because they believed with certainty that having the bone pointed at them meant certain death. As a result, their immune system shuts down completely.
When the victim has the bone pointed at them they freeze with utter fright. But I don’t play that game.
I began pulling off some crazy shit as this was going down. I started skipping with every bit of my athleticism and every time I leaped into the air, my thigh would raise to the heavens and I’d slap the side of my ankle and scream “Whoopa!” I did this again and again as if I was a perpetual motion machine. I was kicking some serious ass. All the while, their chants were getting louder and louder (Buuu Lam LAAA, Buuu Lam LAAA) and the shaman kept pointing that bone at me. No matter, my skipping and slapping my ankle while screaming, “Whoopa!” continued unabated with the passion of heaven.
After five minutes of doing this I got tired and just stood there staring down the crazy looking shaman and screamed, “You ain’t got shit on me, savage.”
As I uttered that last word I noticed something pierced my shoulder. I glanced over and realized it was a wooden dart without a stone or metal point. Instinctively, I grabbed and pulled it out of my flesh. It didn’t penetrate very deep; I raised the dart into the air as if it was my trophy but then noticed I was losing my energy quick. I collapsed.
The next thing I remember is awakening outside with the sun shining and a plate of meat in front of me, while wooden horns blasted all around me. I then realized whatever that dart was laced with wasn’t meant to kill, but only to tranquilize.
The whole tribe cheered. At first I was absolutely dumbfounded and wondering if this is what heaven was like. But I then realized I’m probably not dead and they probably think I’m some kind of god or something… After all, they’ve never been contacted by modern man and no one has probably ever pulled such a stunt while having the bone pointed at them.
Needless to say, I teared into that pile of meat in front of me. Hell if I knew what it was, but it tasted a lot like pork and was probably some kind of wild pig. Tasty.
After I inhaled enough meat to feed a small village, I started to pay more attention to the natives. They were skipping and slapping their ankles just like I had done the day before! A huge joy erupted in the pit of my stomach as I realized not only did I make contact with a tribe who’s never been contacted before, but I’ve managed to make them believe I’m some kind of god with powers and shit. This has got to go down as one of the top three days of my existence!
As I was taking it all in, I began to hear what seemed like a chopper. In response I blurted out, “What the f@ck is a chopper doing out here?! Get the hell outta here, I’m a god to these people, and they feed me well.”
The noise gradually got louder and I soon saw it approaching. It slowly lowered into the opening of land. The natives gathered below it, pointing their arrows at it. I ran over and tried to communicate as best I could to put the arrows down by waving my arms and getting in front of them. They seemed to understand and retreated into the forest while I stood there realizing that the Brazilian government must have put a chopper out looking for me.
It landed and Philippe got out of the chopper and called me over, “Bamboo, get the hell outta there!” I ran over and jumped through the open door of the chopper. The door closed immediately and the chopper raced into the sky.
Philippe was about to say something to me, but then the rescue worker took a look at me as we were ascending and said,
“You’re one crazy son of a bitch, Bamboo.”
“I am, aren’t I.”

Illustration by Lucia672
June 24th, 2010