Pun Intended
Written by Bamboo Forest

Starry Night for PI
Illustration by Alex Ruiz

Some days are the pits. Those days being grateful for life becomes an insurmountable hurdle. The hurdle’s height shrinks, though, when I get home and write for PI. While writing I triumphantly leap above it, landing on the other side knowing that this life is worth it all. And that there’s great things to come.

With this blog I can escape into any realm I desire and become anyone I desire.

It’s magical.

I can become like a heavenly angel that knows no sorrows. Or a hell demon that knows only vengeance.

And I don’t have to do it all at once, mind you. A post can be like a video game where you return multiples times over days before completion or a painter’s canvas making as many or as few brush strokes at a time before it’s finished. I receive my doses of escape as needed. Through my escape from a painful world masterpieces are created, or at least I like to think so.

I’ve seen many shrinks in my life and all have failed to do what they promised. This blog, however, has fulfilled its promise every time: Getting me out of my mind, into other minds, and other worlds leaving behind all my problems and worries.

And the most beautiful thing?

As I escape, so do you.

January 29th, 2013
Written by Bamboo Forest

Do you want to help us out, get an amazing iPhone app, and get a text link of your website on Pun Intended’s sidebar with your chosen anchor text? 

If you do, boy are you in luck!

Before I say another word: Just know, if you get involved in this, you will be helping us out in a HUGE way and we’ll be forever grateful.

Our goal is to sell as many copies of our app as humanly possible on the day we release it, as this will help us get on the charts and get the exposure we desperately need for this app to go the places we envision it can.

To get a text ad on the sidebar of Pun Intended just below the subscription button all you’ll need to do is buy our 99 cent app within 24 hours of when our app launches.

That’s it.

You won’t need to prove to us you bought it; just give us your word and we’ll believe you.

If you don’t have an iPhone you can still get involved because you can buy the app through itunes without an iPhone. Alternatively, you can have someone buy the app on your behalf.

First come first served: The first person who leaves a comment in the comment section or email’s us will get their text link at the number one position: Just below the subscribe button.

‘Follow Us on Twitter’ and ‘Greatest Hits’ will either be deleted or moved down to make room for all your text link ads.

If you don’t have a website, but want to take part and help us out, we’ll place your name on the sidebar if you wish.

Your link will stay live for a minimum of 6 months and I will write regularly on PI during this duration.

In 2012 we had 70k unique visitors. I anticipate that number will rise significantly as I write regularly again!

Are you ready to have a home on PI?

Then what are you waiting for?!

Leave us a message below or shoot us an email at punintendeduno [AT] gmail.com
Can’t wait to hear from you!

January 8th, 2013
Written by Bamboo Forest

panda-pun
Illustration by Acrylicdreams

Laundry, I hate it.

I hate it so much that my only dream in this world is producing a humanoid that does all my laundry. I don’t care if he or she was created by cloning, artificial insemination or whoopee.

Matters not.

What’s important is this creature’s only purpose is doing my laundry any time I want, day or night. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

Some of you may be saying, “Hell yeah.” Others, “You disturb me, Bamboo.”

Depending on what camp you’re in some of you are honest while others of you are hypocrites. I’ll  soon prove my claim.

I’d name the humanoid Laundro if a guy. Laundra, if a gal. And for those pesky human rights activists that I wish I could swat like flys–I’d give it a place to sleep (the yard) and would feed it two meals a day, so get off my back and go thump somewhere else.

I can still hear some of you retorting with “moral” reservations over my dream. I have a compliment and then a question for those of you with the moral reservations:

That’s nice clothing on your back. Where did the labor take place to produce it? Indonesia? Perhaps China?

Go ahead, check the tag… I’ll wait. :*)

You chastise me for wanting to clone a humanoid yet you purchase clothing that children labor on for 16 hours a day with no bathroom breaks; they regularly lose fingers to machinery and make 6 cents an hour.

Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you?

You could’ve sourced your clothes anywhere else but that wouldn’t have been as convenient, right? Don’t worry. You’re not sick. In fact, you’re a lot like me! :)

Don’t even get me started on the working conditions of smart phone factories–it’s wild child!

While I adore my smartphone, a cloned humanoid is what I truly yearn for.

pi-phone

 

January 4th, 2013
Written by Bamboo Forest

2012
Illustration by Neko-Maya

Ever since seeing the 2012 movie with John Cusack I’ve been psyched that a date would take me out of my miserable life.

You don’t understand: I’m tired of the meds, the nightmares, and being chased by CIA agents everywhere I go. This life gets old quick.

Since seeing the movie I’ve read hundreds of 2012 books, dedicated my life to this subject–I’ve become expert. And now I have nothing to show for it and I’ll never get those thousands of hours back. I could have learned three languages in the time I dedicated to the Mayan prophecy. I’m absolutely devastated.

Sure I’ve always been suicidal. But the Maya prophesied to do the messy work for me, obliterating all of life so that by being dead I wouldn’t be missing out on anything.

A big F%ck You to the Mayans who who gave me my life’s greatest hope and then destroyed it in a single afternoon.

Fast Forward to Christmas Morning

Still filled with an ocean of despair, I couldn’t get out of bed Christmas morning. My whole family knocked on my locked door yelling, “Bamboo, it’s Christmas morning,” but I stayed in bed like I lost everything, silent, knowing that I’d never be the same–that happiness would forever elude me.

Remembering that I was getting a Mayan totem pole this Christmas I reluctantly crawled out of bed and sat before the tree. On my way to the family gathering I banged into my brother’s shoulder who shirked, “what the hell man?” I murmured, “You shouldn’t even be here.”

My devastation has been so crippling that I stopped shaving and I seldomly follow society’s rules anymore. Whenever I go grocery shopping it’s typical for me to run over children’s feet and collide into other shoppers: I just don’t care about anything or anyone anymore.

For three years December 21, 2012′s prophecy was my greatest hope, my reason for living: It’s now the source of all my hopelessness.

What else can I look forward to in this life?

With dread,

Bamboo Forest

Bamboo Forest

December 26th, 2012
Written by Bamboo Forest

flying-bliss-monk-cropped5

With the arrival of the Mayan prophecy I’ve been inspired to post here, again.

Honestly, I’m not who you think I am. I’m a failure.

I’ve strived multiple ways to cash in on the interweb.

Recently I tried to become a mega star on YouTube–the effort crumbled–I only have seven subscribers.

None of you know about my attempts at becoming a YouTube star… I was ashamed to tell you, ashamed you’d laugh at me that yet again, I strived and I failed.

I penned this post three months ago setting it to publish now when the world would be devestated by meteors and famines. Honestly, I could never live with myself if I posted this while  living. I would die of shame, embarrassment and deep feelings of inadequacy that every time I went for the goal, I missed by galaxies.

My legacy will be no greater than that of a dead carpenter ant. My life will be seen as a pathetic attempt to be somebody (the stunningly pathetic YouTube videos below will demonstrate this excruciatingly well).

Please enjoy (at my expense) the three YouTube videos I made a year ago under the moniker Bliss Monk:

December 20th, 2012
Written by Bamboo Forest

Welcome, children.

I feel like a father to each and every one of you.

And I also have a major announcemnt:

Bamboo Forest and Flying LlamaFish have started a t-shirt company:

LLAMA FISH Store

But what’s important is that we’re offering a 10% discount to all our Pun Intended readers.

Our prices are already very competitive and this will make it so that you simply get that much better of a deal!

Click the following link to see our store and our shirts:

LLAMA FISH Store

10 % Discount code that expires on 12/31: hani

What We Have to Offer You

Currently, we only have four shirts but we’ll be adding eight more soon.

Let’s take a looky at the stupendous merchandise!

 

Shirt 1: View in Store

Commemorate the extinction of those massive creatures that once roamed this ball of spinning ice you like to call Earth.

 

Shirt 2: View in Store

Everyone knows that my hero is the world’s most interesting man. Now you can wear what he wears when he’s dressing casual.

 

Shirt 3: View in Store

Ever been to a juice box party? Bring this shirt to your next one and you’ll blow people’s minds.

 

Shirt 4: View in Store

Slavery has run rampant on the planet of Tatooine for far too long. Come together and rise up with this stylish tee.

 

If we’ve ever brought a smile to your magical face, please check out our brand new t-shirt store!   

 

November 3rd, 2011
Written by Bamboo Forest

Eating my turkey and swiss… every bite was disrupted by someone who just had to take a look at what I was up to. For f*cking sake – I just wanted to eat my damn sandwich in peace.

Passer-byers came at me like waves in the ocean, and not a single one could keep their damn eyes off my food.

I was sitting at a table outside of a Whole Foods Market, and every person who walked by found it necessary to take a look at what I was munching on like they’d have heart failure if they didn’t.

Why must you peeps inspect what I’m eating?

It’s then I realized a terrible truth about humanity. We want to eat 24 hours a day. And if we’re out anywhere and see someone eating, our eyes will lock with their food. We selfish humans couldn’t care less that we’re wrecking their peace while they’re trying to eat in peace. It’s just the way it is.

Truth is, I could’ve been sitting outside the Whole Foods with a hover board floating on my table and only a couple passer-byers would’ve had their curiosity provoked. But put a corn beef and rye on the table, and everyone who swings by is guaranteed to ensure a glimpse, be it young, old, poor, religious leader, transgender – you name it. Everyone has to take a look at what you’re munching on.

I bet you a ham and swiss sandwich, if I was in a building, whether an office building or a college building filled with classrooms… if the fire alarm went off, and I was  munching on a bean burrito – people frantically trying to exit the building to save themselves wouldn’t hesitate to take a pause to look at what I was eating. Only once they got their glimpse would they continue to scurry off to save themselves. You know what I say is true.

We are a sick species.

The verdict?

Not only would we humans risk our lives to get a glimpse of what someone else is eating – we also can’t stop thinking about eating.

Now, what shall I have for din din?

                                                                                                           Photo by WordRidden
October 28th, 2011
Written by Bamboo Forest

Do you believe in other worlds as I do?

How about other dimensions?

Surely you don’t believe this planet is the only one with life.

Indeed, there are many more. And some realms of existence are even outside our dimension.

Over the weekend I discovered that there’s an entire dimension other than ours, and that a few governments, including the U.S. government, have been exploiting it for selfish gains in truly gruesome, tragic ways.

Do not read what follows if you don’t want to feel like your heart has been chopped up into a billion little pieces and devoured by a mean-spirited mongoose.

My Great Discovery

While waiting for the subway I was so bored I was driven to read a nearby sign.

Moments after reading, however, something truly bizarre happened.

The human like “images” in the sign that represent people were crying out to me in tears.

In an eerie cacophony of voices that sounded electronic in nature and with a low tone it was said to me:

“Bamboo, we’re dead but we can still communicate with you; your government and many of the world’s governments have been murdering us for the sake of using our bodies to place in the signs of your world so that your people obey their statutes.”

I felt so nauseous I had to sit down and bury my head in my hands knowing this atrocity was going on that practically no one’s aware of.

Well not anymore.

I’m telling the entire world.

Please realize I’m putting myself in grave danger by revealing this information to you. However, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself any longer were I not to tell others in hopes that we stop this genocide.

What I’m about to show you are beings just as real as me and you when they’re alive in their dimension. They have families, friends, and children, just like me and you.

When taken from their dimension, as soon as they’re “harvested” as the sick government f*cks like to call it, all that is left are bodies frozen in time that are later placed on signs. Their souls have long left them.

This tragedy is beyond words:

This father and son were murdered just outside of an assisted living facility. Such a tragedy, they didn’t even know what hit them.

This mother and son were murdered at a mall in the other dimension. Their souls are long gone. All that remains are their frozen bodies as they were just before they were wacked.

This one below really urks me. Right after I took a picture of this, which is the back of an ice cream truck adjacent to a playground, I walked over to get some pictures of murder victims at the playground. But I wasn’t able to actually click any shots because a PIG came over to me and asked me what I was doing trying to suggest I’m a pedophile.

I hope he’s reading this:

You son of a bitch PIG, I was TRYING to document a holocaust that’s occuring in our generation until you got all up in my business like there’s something inherently wrong with a grown man taking photos at a playground filled with children.

You make me sick.

This poor kid was murdered while rollerblading to school.

World governments engaging in these acts of murder just so they can have figures to use in their signs to show people their statutes is a holocaust that’s occurring in our times.

It’s an unspeakable tragedy. We have to put an end to it now.

Please do your part and spread the word.

 

October 25th, 2011
Written by Bamboo Forest

1. You lovingly craft a hearty sandwich and gleefully squeeze the yellow bottle only to witness mustard piss burst out that instantly turns your glorious creation into a drenched abomination.

2. You approach an escalator that’s frozen. What once enthusiastically carried humans to their heights is now Han Solo in carbonite.

3. You pass a friend in the hallway and say hello. Five minutes later you pass them again and struggle to handle the profound awkwardness.

4. You bite your lip or tongue while attempting to chew a mouthwatering slice of pizza.

5. You step on gum and spend the rest of the day being reminded of this incident.

6. You’re running late for something important when you realize your car is out of gas. You find the nearest station, jump out of the car, and swipe your credit card faster than a ninja.  The monitor says, “ERROR – SEE ATTENDANT”.

7. You steal a kiss with a mannequin, hoping to bring it to life. Instead, it remains perpetually motionless.

 

September 29th, 2011
Written by Bamboo Forest

On March 28th, 2011 I received an email from the marketing coordinator of Gotham Books.

It’s only now that I’m able to talk about it, because upon reading her email, I was plunged into a fire ball of rage.

I don’t even know where to begin…

Her email was copy and pasted. She’s obviously clueless that Pun Intended is an institution.

Ms. Chun, would you send a copy and paste email to President Barack Obama? But you’ll disgrace the Pun Intended blog like your life depended on it, won’t you?

It only gets better from here, and I quote:

“If you would like to do a review, feature, excerpt, Q&A, or book giveaway on your website, I would love to send you a free review copy. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.”

No Ms. Chun, I would NOT like to do any of the above on my website for a book that would make me so f*cking bored I’d resort to visiting my local grocery store, depanting, and walking around until I got arrested and my life was ruined.

If you’re wondering why she would think Pun Intended, the institution, would want a free copy of this book, read the following excerpt from her email:

New book, THE PUN ALSO RISES: How the Humble Pun Revolutionized Language, Changed History, and Made Wordplay More Than Some Antics (Gotham Books, April 14, 2011, $22.50)  is the definitive account of the humble pun, its history, and why punning still matters.

Did you even take the time to investigate this website Ms. Chun?

Last time I checked, I didn’t see too many puns floating around (only a single flying whale) anymore than I’ve ever spotted a forest when I visited Amazon.com.

I did nothing to deserve your abomination in my email box nor the disrespect you’ve shown the Pun Intended Universe.

I’m going to make this as easy as PI for my readers: if you want to read the history of puns, Gotham’s new book is your ticket.

If, however, you want to read something that’s actually fun, interesting, and frankly kicks serious ass:

Subscribe to Pun Intended.

Any questions?

P.S. – We’re reasonably nice folk here in the PI Universe. We love all people. But when your mission is to insult us, let it be known, you’ve awakened a sleeping giant that knows no mercy.

P.P.S. - Ms. Chun, are you by any chance related to Arlene from Des Moines, Iowa?

July 1st, 2011


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