Illustration by ~GothicSky
Have you noticed how much attention the mouth demands? Billions of dollars every year pour into the pockets of orthodontists, dentists, as well as companies named Crest. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, but let us examine this atrocity anyways.
1. Braces
If you have a couple thousand dollars laying around, not to mention a penchant for pain – you too can have steel cemented to your enamel. Why join the military to build character when you can spend three years with braces? Every six weeks you get to test your mettle, with what is known as the great “tightening.” Children from all over the globe agonize over this – and for good reason: anything connected to your mouth that requires a wrench isn’t good.
2. Silver fillings
We all know what silver fillings really are. They are implants that receive signals from government shadow groups – controlling the votes of voters who have them. With every election, there is enough of the populace with these fillings to sway the final outcome. Voting is indeed futile.
3. Retainer
The fun never seems to end; you get the braces off and now get plastic fun. What’s great about retainers is they give you a slur when you speak. The chicks dig it too.
4. Mouthwash
Who doesn’t love a bottle of liquid fire? Put the green stuff in your mouth straight up, and swish it around for 10 minutes nonstop. Do this and be admitted into the Guinness book of world records. I dare you.
5. Rubber bands
Braces are the trunk of a tree, with many branches of fun. Say hello to rubber bands. To tell you what it’s like to have an office supply utilized in your mouth is like trying to explain what surfing an avalanche feels like. You would have to experience it to know.
6. Headgear
Headgear… Headgear… Headgear… I, Bamboo Forest, wore this abomination during a trying time in my life. There is much to say about this contraption and none good. A bit belongs in the mouth of a horse – not a human being.
And headgear sounds really intense. Use headgear if you’re flying in the space shuttle – but for crying out loud – no dental work should require headgear.
Some of you parents out there do something unspeakable. You force your children to go to school while wearing one of these abominations. You should be ashamed of yourself! And if you think it’s a good investment for your child’s future – for having that perfect smile – think again.
Do you have any idea how much therapy the kid is gonna need after he survives (if he does) the horrors of going to school with this contraption on? Do you even have a clue? Think about it.
7. Floss
I highly recommend you don’t floss unless you want those big mouth corporations getting even richer. Not to mention, it makes your gums bleed.
p.s. – please don’t think of me any differently – now that you know I once wore headgear.
I was not aware of your head gear experiences. I used a retainer and quite enjoyed it. I knock on wood that I never have to experience fillings. Lata
Yes, that mouthwash is pretty powerful stuff. I can barely last 30 seconds. I’m not familiar with “rubber bands”; doesn’t sound like much fun, nor does the headgear. I hope you came out of all that with lovely teeth!
Hi, Bamboo Forest… long time, no see!
The only people who like dentists are dentists themselves… and their bank managers
I’ve never heard of headgear and its association with dental health. Could you tell me what purpose it serves, please?
I have suffered all of the torture described above. Headgear is the worst. I had to wear it for almost two years. It’s like having the devil inside your mouth.
Ahhh yes, abominations all… except for the floss… tsk tsk Bamboo Forest (I resisted the urge to call you Bambi haha) if you don’t floss, you will be very sorry someday. =P
@ Garrett: I knock on wood too.
@ Davina: My teeth came out well enough.
@ Scott: Welcome. Valid point. Well, as you can see in the illustration, it wraps around your neck. The force of the contraption is going towards you and its hooked into slots in your mouth. I theorize that it shifts the molars in the direction of the force. It’s an evil scheme really.
@ Writer Dad: haha, you wore headgear. “devil inside your mouth” hehe, apt description.
@ Tabbie: Flossing is an important part of dental care. I agree. One who does it every day has formed good habits.
I hated my braces… but I am actually fond of floss and mouthwash. Makes me feel squeaky clean.
You wore a headgear, oh, I’m never stopping by this blog again. No, seriously, I know some great people who wore headgears. You forgot chap stick, and lip liner and lipstick if you’re a woman.
Hi Bamboo – After reading this I realized I’m in the wrong business. We need to put our money where the mouth is, don’t we?
May I just add that you haven’t lived until you try one of those water-jet things that purport to clean your gums just past the point where they meet with your jawbone, but instead when you turn your head to reach the interior of your mouth you find yourself blinded by the sludge that is coming out of your gums and has just shot into your eyeball. It’s really delightful.
@ Vered: Floss and mouthwash can accomplish that.
@ Marelisa: Indeed there are more items on the list.
@ Barbara Swafford: It is true: real money is made with products for the mouth.
@ Annie Binns: Hehehe – I forgot about waterpik. Dang!
You’ve got me laughing at the thought of a headgear!! Oh my…it must be quite traumatic!!
@ Evelyn Lim: You have no idea.
Dentists! I used to have a phobia of these creatures, and office visits might as well have been visits to a vampire for all the energy that seemed to drain out of me there. It was worse after starting the martial arts because my fight or flight response always wanted to opt for giving as much pain as I was receiving. Thankfully, though, I never had to endure much of the atrocities you mention.
@ SpageAgeSage: Yes, going to the dentist can be a real test of the mind.
One thing I remember about rubber bands ( because all three of my kids had them)- is that in the middle of a conversation- those little buggers would take flight- and fly across the room. At first- I didn’t understand why the ortho would provide such an extravagant amount of rubber bands in that little zip lock rubber band container- but I guess he was aware of the propensity of them to take flight – and usually at the most inopportune moment- i.e – giving an oral report in front of your classmates- on a date- when the last thing you want to do is bombard your date with a rubber band flying in their face-or just hanging with your friends- and trying to explain that you did not plan the rubber band attack.