Illustration by humon
1. Stop Buying Insurance
Seriously, what are the odds of a natural disaster destroying your home? Does anyone even go to the doctor’s office anymore? Don’t even get me started on orthodontists.
Insurance is a suckers bet… plain and simple.
2. Exchange All Your Money to Japanese Yen
Of all the get-rich-quick schemes out there, this is by far the quickest. Simply drive to your bank and exchange your every last cent into Japanese yen. This may seem silly, but just 10 U.S. dollars can be exchanged for more than 1,000 yen.
It doesn’t take a mathematician to know that exploiting this exchange rate can make you filthy rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Holla back, Yen Millionaires!
3. Pyramid Schemes
Today’s cynical culture may have taught you to avoid pyramid schemes at all costs, but you will wipe that cynicism off your Armani suit when you are rolling in dough.
4. Become a Paparrazo
This money-making scheme is for the thrill seekers among us. Do you have the audacity to spend a weekend in George Clooney’s swimming pool, waiting to snap the perfect shot? If so, you should seriously consider this profession.
The beauty of this job is that you don’t even need to work full time. Acquire just one shot of the current ‘It” couple’s new oddly named baby, and you will have a small fortune on your hands in no time.
5. Purchase a Metal Detector
It is bittersweet when elderly men, who have worked hard their entire lives to barely make ends meet, discover the pot of gold sitting at the end of the Radio Shack catalog.
It warms my heart to witness newlyweds frantically searching for their wedding rings along the beach, only to see a metal detector yielding gent find it moments later.
Finders keepers, losers weepers, newlyweds.
6. Stop Paying Taxes
Did you know Wesley Snipes saved hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years by not paying taxes? Who’s the fool now?
7. Have 12 children
Sure you may have trouble getting all their names right, but there is a high probability that one of your little tykes will grow up to be rich. Maybe your Jason will grow up to be the next Tiger Woods. Perhaps little Rhonda will one day spill blistering hot coffee on her power suit while dining at the local KFC and earn a $14 million dollar settlement. The possibilities are endless, and it only takes one winner among the litter to provide you with riches.
This path to wealth is the riskiest and only for those blessed with a great deal of patience. You may not reap the rewards for 30-40 years, but you gotta play the odds baby!