1. Hosting Thanksgiving sucks turkey testicles
Question: What could be better than having loved ones visit for a joyous meal?
Answer: Anything. Including, but not limited to, rubbing a cheese grater against your cheeks.
Hosting Turkey Day requires you slave away for 48+ hours to prepare a meal that’s inhaled in less than 45 minutes. And as far as spending quality time with your loved ones, you won’t. While they watch football, you’ll frantically struggle to keep your 18 dishes from burning down the house.
Once the feast ends, you’ll spend what’s left of your evening cleaning around the passed out, bloated bodies that line your floor.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention… you’re required to stick your hand up a turkey’s ass.
2. It triggers the onslaught of Christmas
Photo by s.ovett
Turkey Day represents the official beginning of the holiday season. Which means you’ll be forced to hear the same four Christmas songs on a continuous loop for six weeks. Which means you’ll contemplate suicide on Christmas Eve. Which means you’ll deal with your despair by lacing Santa’s cookies with laxatives.
3. The fake story of the first Thanksgiving
There’s nothing quite like celebrating past misdeeds with a fake feel-good story and a 12,000-calorie meal.
But seriously kids, the Pilgrims adored the Natives.
4. The beginning of nasty, frigid weather
Photo by al camardella
By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, it’s time to trade in the flip flops for frost bite.
5. Thanksgiving travel is hell
Photo by Cajun Metal
You know what sounds like a terrible idea? Traveling long distances to eat one meal with relatives you’d normally never go out of your way to see.
You know what sounds even worse? Doing it during the busiest travel time of the year.
If you’re flying to grandmother’s house, you can look forward to excruciating lines that only end once a TSA screener has put his hands down your pants to ensure you aren’t packing a grenade in your tighty-whities.
Or if getting groped isn’t your thing, you can opt for the body-scanning machine that takes nude photos of you while exposing you to a bounty of carcinogens that’ll kill you in 15-20 years.
6. Black Friday
Photo by t3rmin4t0rl
Honestly, I’d rather stick my arm up a turkey’s booty than wake up at 4 am to fight off barbarians for the last $3 toaster oven.
Unless you yearn for a fate similar to that of Mufasa, stay the hell away from the stampede that is Black Friday.
7. No presents. No costumes. No candy.
Instead we get this useless thingy: