Illustration by ~NeilRawson
1. He abuses animals
You think Rudolph was born with a red nose? No… Old St. Prick mutilated him for suffering from exhaustion one Christmas eve.
2. He’s prejudice
There’s an elephant in the room, and her name is Santa Prefers Rich Kids.
Year after year, the rich children of the world receive better presents than their less fortunate counterparts. Don’t believe me? Walk into a Christian home in a poor neighborhood, then in a wealthy neighborhood. If you try to tell me a plastic baseball bat and a Segway are gifts of equity, you’re almost as bad as the Clause.
3. He’s an adulterer
It may be the most wonderful time of the year for many of us, but not for poor Mrs. Clause. Year after year, Santa circumvents the globe, receiving holiday cheer from countless vulnerable women.
The guy makes Tiger Woods look like Father Teresa.
4. He’s the world’s most prolific burglar
If you or I annually broke into millions of homes in the middle of the night, we would spend the remainder of our days holding our prison-mate’s pocket. Kris Kringle, on the other hand, is downright encouraged to burglarize the world.
Sure he may leave a random trinket or two under the tree, but he pockets stray valuables whenever he can.
And worst of all… far worse than any of his other transgressions — he eats our baked goods while we sleep.
5. He runs a sweatshop
Mr. Clause’s Public Relations team spins the North Pole as a winter wonderland where elves lovingly make gifts for the well-behaved children of the world. But, truth be told, it’s the home of the world’s largest sweatshop.
Centuries ago, Santa came across a peculiar island off the coast of the North Pole. It housed a flourishing population of pacifistic natives. Instead of leaving them in peace, he enslaved them, and forced them to relocate to the North Pole.
Most humanoids believe elves are genetically predispositioned to be short. But, in reality, they are simply malnourished as a result of Santa opting to only feed them a diet consisting of candy canes and eggnog.
6. He sets a horrible example for children
As the world’s biggest celebrity, Santa has a moral imperative to set a good example for the children of the world. Instead, he chooses to live life as though he was the spawn of Satan.
7. He’s a pedophile
Admit it, the thought has crossed your mind.
There is no denying that the man in red gets his jollies in an utterly unsavory way. You know it. I know it. Mrs. Clause knows it.
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Thank you, brother… for giving us the scoop on the real identity of Santa. Sadly, this doesn’t come as a shock to me. It’s something I always kinda knew. Ignorance isn’t as blissful as it seems.