7 Reasons to Fake Your Own Death

Written by Flying LlamaFish

In late 2005, I faked my own death. I fell off the face of the earth for a year.

When I made my great return, some people were a bit agitated, but most were so happy to have me back, they let the whole thing slide.

Now, death faking isn’t for everyone. There are certainly downsides.

Do I recommend it, though?

You bet your bacon bits I do.

Here’s why:

1. Your life’s work will suddenly become exponentially more appreciated

You’re an artist of some sort? Your art will instantly double in value.

You’re a mediocre doctor? You’ll be remembered as a miracle worker.

Following my “demise”, I went from unrecognized blogger to young Shakespeare that tragically fell off the planet. (CNN’s words. Not mine.)

2. Your funeral is more fun when you’re present

Mine was great. Loved ones gathered, making speeches about how great I was. Turns out everyone adores me, even a few peeps I’ve never met.

Your ego will inflate tenfold as you sit perched inside the A.C. vent, watching it all go down.

3. Change your appearance

Post death faking, you can alter your look in any crazy way you wish.

Always wanted to grow a Fu Manchu? Now’s your golden opportunity.

4. Debts instantly vanish

One of the greatest benefits, bar none.

This may sound a tad shady, but I took out a massive loan days before my disappearance. As you can imagine, I lived it up during my “lost” year.

If you ever decide “death” isn’t for you and resurface, however, your azz is grazz. I blogged from prison for 16 months.

5. A chance to experience pure freedom

For the first time in your life, you’ll free yourself of all attachments.

You’ll feel more liberated than a slave visiting a nudist colony.

6. Begin a new life

When you’re “dead,” you can do whatever the hell you want. No limits.

Go ride a camel around the world. Become a mime. Perform sock puppet shows to tweens in Zimbabwe. It’s all good.

7. Go out with a bang

There’s nothing more exhilarating than staging your own death.

The more creative, the better. I was “murdered” by a constipated chimpanzee.

How will you “go?”