Illustration by ~laurabeth
1. “With all due respect.” If you have just heard these four words – you’re about to get clobbered. You could be answering questions after a speech, speaking with your client or boss, or even chatting with a friend and it wouldn’t matter. What follows these four words has nothing to do with respect and never has.
2. “This is just going to hurt a little.” You know full well this is going to hurt a hell of a lot. That long syringe your dentist is about to jam into your delicate tissue is the “best” option of two really undesirable ones. Do what I do when it happens and scream like a little school girl.
3. “We are experiencing higher than normal call volume.” Excuse me… EXCUUUUSE MEEEE! When have you ever had a normal volume of callers? Ever…? This isn’t your way of hiding that you hired too few employees is it? You were having a rare day of enhanced call volume, RIGHT?
ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!!
4. “I’m just not ready to get into another relationship.” If your crush says this, it only means one thing: You’re not what I am looking for, if you were, I’d tell you something quite different.
5. “Maybe.” If you ask someone a question, and their response is, “maybe,” it really means this: “Let me think for a while, so that when I come up with a better excuse, I’ll share it with you.”
Works like a charm and I highly recommend it.
6. “I’m about to share with you my secret system, that with only a few hours of work a month, you will make 5,000 to 10,000 dollars EVERY WEEK!
If you hear a commercial saying anything remotely resembling this, here’s the translation for you: “Give me 55 dollars so I can send you absolute junk; you will never make a single dime from it, yet I will become rich beyond my wildest dreams from the multitude of suckers out there willing to send me money… oh and thanks for being one.”
7. How are you doing?
“Fine”
And yourself?
“Just fine”
I’m so tired of this I could pull my hair out… I cannot wait for the day when I ask someone how they’re doing and their response is: “I feel like crud.”
Then they ask me, “how about you?”
I feel like sludge.
On this day we will have verification that great progress is being made in our society.
If you feel like sludge, say so.
I do.
*Thanks to Tim Brownson for inspiring # 3*
Haha “this is going to hurt a little” is priceless. I also LOVE the way docs say “discomfort” instead of “pain”.
“I’m sorry , but it’s company policy”
= I don’t give damn you whiner, now stop wasting my time.
“Do you mind holding?”
= You’re on hold before I get to the end of the sentence whether you like it or not and you can sit there until I deem you worthy to speak with me”
“our number one priority is your safety” (Any airline)
= Our number one priority is making money and let’s face it we can’t do that if people are dying on us, it’s just terrible for business
“Hi my name is Billy Bob how can I help you today?”
= My name is Chandra, I’m reading off a script. I can’t understand you, you can’t understand me, but who cares we’re saving some money and I can cut you off in half an hour without any danger that you’ll ever be able to find me again.
@ Vered: “Discomfort” is the nice way of saying, “pain,” good point.
@ Tim Brownson: hehe… It can be annoying when you can’t finish your sentence before they put you on hold. Good point about the airlines, heh.
haha, “reading off a script.” Yes, that is very true.
“This is only going to hurt a little.” Have you read “On Writing?” Stephen King talks about getting an ear infection and the doctor takes out this ginormous needle and practically sticks it into his brain. He didn’t believe the doctor the second time around.
“Try it, you’ll like it!!”
Being raised in a family where culinary skills were scoffed at, this phrase still causes a physical reaction.
@ Writer Dad: I have not read this book, but definitely will in the future. Very funny though, and even a little bit horrifying.
@ Annie Binns: I’m envisioning right now what that food must have looked like and tasted like.
I like it when the dentist’s office calls me and says “We need to process some more funds to your account.”
Good post.
Hi Bamboo: And of course, there’s the classic: “No, don’t get me anything for my birthday, really, I don’t want anything.” Take that at face value at your own risk.
Are you kidding me? — When I know perfectly well you are not =P
Funny stuff!
One of my (least) favorites:
“I’m not going to lie to you…”