Illustration by ~Nato-VanDookie
For many of us, it’s cold this time of year. Unbearably cold. And let’s be honest, nobody enjoys shoveling snow or losing a toe to frost bite.
That’s why I propose we do all we can to artificially heat up this lovely spinning sphere we call home. Although it’s believed that mankind is already contributing to a warmer planet, I have no doubt that we can be far more efficient.
So comrades, if you’re with me, let’s do this thing. And if not, may your heart turn to ice.
1. Stop and Go, ho
The more gas we waste, the warmer we be.
2. Less cow tipping. More cow farting.
Scientists have concluded that cow flatulence is a major contributor to global warming.
If we truly wish to heat up earth, it’s vital that we sprinkle bean particles all over their vegetation.
3. Import all your goods from Madagascar
The further your merchandise travels, the more CO2 released into the atmosphere. And it’s not like the Madagascanites couldn’t use the dinero. Win. Win.
4. Locate oil reserves. Mindlessly set them on fire.
Burn, baby, burn.
5. Leave appliances on at all times
When you turn out the lights, the Eskimos win.
6. Grab an ax, lumberjack
Deforestation is responsible for more than a quarter of the greenhouse gases released into the atmosphere.
I firmly believe that it’s our moral imperative to put on fresh flannel shirts and lumber like nobody’s looking.
7. Kidnap Al Gore
The world’s premiere global warming warrior is making our job harder than it has to be. But, if we capture him and force him to live in an undisclosed attic (à la Balloon Boy), we’ll have a real shot at defeating the environmentalists.
It’s nothing personal Albert G., but we want warmth, and we want it now.