7 Ways to Accelerate Global Warming « Pun Intended
Written by Flying LlamaFish

Illustration by ~Nato-VanDookie

For many of us, it’s cold this time of year. Unbearably cold. And let’s be honest, nobody enjoys shoveling snow or losing a toe to frost bite.

That’s why I propose we do all we can to artificially heat up this lovely spinning sphere we call home. Although it’s believed that mankind is already contributing to a warmer planet, I have no doubt that we can be far more efficient.

So comrades, if you’re with me, let’s do this thing. And if not, may your heart turn to ice.

1. Stop and Go, ho

The more gas we waste, the warmer we be.

2. Less cow tipping. More cow farting.

Scientists have concluded that cow flatulence is a major contributor to global warming.

If we truly wish to heat up earth, it’s vital that we sprinkle bean particles all over their vegetation.

3. Import all your goods from Madagascar

The further your merchandise travels, the more CO2 released into the atmosphere. And it’s not like the Madagascanites couldn’t use the dinero. Win. Win.

4. Locate oil reserves. Mindlessly set them on fire.

Burn, baby, burn.

5. Leave appliances on at all times

When you turn out the lights, the Eskimos win.

6. Grab an ax, lumberjack

Deforestation is responsible for more than a quarter of the greenhouse gases released into the atmosphere.

I firmly believe that it’s our moral imperative to put on fresh flannel shirts and lumber like nobody’s looking.

7. Kidnap Al Gore

The world’s premiere global warming warrior is making our job harder than it has to be. But, if we capture him and force him to live in an undisclosed attic (à la Balloon Boy), we’ll have a real shot at defeating the environmentalists.

It’s nothing personal Albert G., but we want warmth, and we want it now.

7 Responses to “7 Ways to Accelerate Global Warming”
  1. Brother… You’re so right. You’ve altered my outlook on the environment. I didn’t get the 25 comments I needed to get that bill passed and I’m downright bitter. Hell… I think today… I’m going to use twice as much toilet paper as I actually need. Booya.

  2. This gave me a chuckle.

    And could something be said for cheap toilet paper? Kill more trees already and put a little more padding on this stuff. Toilet paper companies may save the trees, but who is going to save my butt?

  3. You always make me smile. I like that.

  4. patti says:

    Too funny- I think your ideas may really work!- I know- I’m tired of being cold!

  5. Flying LlamaFish says:

    Bamboo: That’s the spirit!

    Buck Edison III: I hear you. I’m all about the quadruple ply, my friend.

    Vered: I’m glad you enjoyed learning how to warm the planet!

    Patti: Thanks! We truly can heat up the earth if we set our minds to it.

  6. suzen says:

    Funny as always! So refreshing to hear “the other side” haha! I just go shopping for more sweaters, does that count? ha!

  7. Flying LlamaFish says:

    suzen: Thanks! Fossil fuels are used in the pursuit of sweater making, so yes, you are doing your part.

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