7 Ways to Settle Any Dispute « Pun Intended
Written by Flying LlamaFish

Sometimes talking it out doesn’t work… and fist fighting is simply uncivilized. Here are seven classy ways to settle any dispute.

1. Pancake Stack Off


Illustration by Netaro

The party able to create the tallest stack of pancakes wins. Flapjacktastic!


2. Staring Contest

They say eyes are the windows to the soul… but blink once and you lose.


3. Lord of the Rings Marathon

All parties sit on a comfortable couch; they must watch all three Lord of the Rings movies continuously without any breaks (exception: 1 bathroom break). Falling asleep results in immediate disqualification. Whoever lasts the longest stands victorious.


4. Thumb War


Illustration by ~Sara-and-Garfunkel

Call me old fashioned, but the thumb never lies.


5. Animal Cracker Eating Contest

This one is self explanatory. He (or she) who eats the most helpless animals wins. A bloated stomach and the uneasy feeling of biting off countless giraffe heads make this competition more challenging than it sounds.


6. Five Dollar Death Match

Here’s how it works:

Each party is blind folded and given an Abraham Lincoln. They are then transported to the local dollar store. The blindfolds are taken off, and contestants are given thirty minutes to purchase five items of their choosing. An independent judge then declares which party made the more glorious purchasing decisions.


7. Turtle Race


Illustration by mistressofcows

Sometimes it is best to let fate decide. Other times, it is best to let reptiles decide. Each party is represented by a racing turtle, and the first to cross the finish line wins.

31 Responses to “7 Ways to Settle Any Dispute”
  1. Ming Ming says:

    I personally always use the turtle race to settle disputes/decisions/etc. I feel it is the fairest way to end things. Excellent list, llamafish.

  2. Harmony says:

    You are truly nuts. :-)
    My personal fav – all three LOTR movies. Think of all one could do in front of the TV screen for that amount of time! (wink wink)

  3. I have another one that friends and I used to do to settle who would buy drinks.

    A Tequila Slam Off.

    You slam tequila shots until you give up, vomit or fall off the bar stool! The loser pays for the drinks.

    Yes, I had a feral streak when I was younger.

    Kelly :)

  4. Evelyn Lim says:

    The staring contest and the LOTR marathon sure sounds wicked!! I wouldn’t dare to, myself!

  5. Writer Dad says:

    I have nothing to add because, quite simply, nothing beats a stare off.

  6. Lord of the Rings Marathon – extended versions?

  7. Lance says:

    How about arm wrestling, or bloody knuckles…maybe too violent…

  8. The pancake stack-off method is brilliant.
    :-)

  9. Ming Ming: Thank you, Ming Ming. I hope your turtle always wins!

    Harmony: Thank you. The possibilities are simply endless.

    Kelly: Sounds hardcore.

    Evelyn Lim: The feeling of being the last one awake after 11 hours of Hobbits and Wizards is simply priceless.

    Writer Dad: A turtle race comes close… but you may be right.

    Urban Panther: Indeed, extended versions!

    Lance: Arm wrestling is a worthy method too. Bloody Knuckles scares me!

    Vered: Thank you!

  10. I like the pancake stack off. This way, even the loser will have an amazing meal when it’s all said and done.

  11. Marelisa says:

    A dart throwing contest is also a good way to settle disputes (at a dart board, not at each other :-) ), but the winner has to be the thumb war. My sister and I had a lot of those growing up. At the end of each thumb war we were both laughing so hard we had forgotten what we were arguing about.

  12. Avani-Mehta says:

    Thumb fight rocks! Do that all the time for fun. I almost fell asleep just reading about seeing all three parts of Lord Of The Rings together.

  13. Davina says:

    I laughed like crazy. You are nuts :-) I like the idea of the staring contest. Can you imagine doing it without smiling at the other person?

  14. Tim Brownson says:

    What about naked mud wresting armed only with a copy of USA Today as a weapon? Surely that is everybody’s favorite, I know it’s certainly mine.

  15. hiccups says:

    hey, the lotr are good movies… no reason to fall asleep!

    i’ve actually been in a 5-dollar death match before (but not for settling a dispute).

  16. I saw the title and I knew this was written by you, FlyingLlamaFish. I like the $5 bill/dollar store idea. They sell some strange and interesting stuff in those stores.

  17. Scott McIntyre says:

    A turtle race sounds like a highly amusing way to settle an argument.

    Perhaps, it works because it takes so long to run that there is really nothing else to do but speak with other…

    Argument solved :-)

  18. BC Doan says:

    I like the staring contest, even if I have tears in my eyes..Great post!

  19. Ted says:

    I think “thunderdome” is missing.

  20. raquel says:

    have you tried the staring contest with jessica alba? google it. it’s madness.

  21. Tabbie says:

    I wonder if you could stack turtles or get them to stare at each other. Slingshot duels using raw eggs work well for very serious disputes, as do water balloon duels and snowball fights. For lovers, tongue wrestling sometimes helps to solve minor spats. :P

  22. SpaceAgeSage says:

    Hmmm … did I just enter the insanity zone? Well, when in the zone … how about the malt or shake sip off? Whoever finishes first without injury from brain freeze wins!

  23. Al at 7P says:

    For complicated conflicts, it might take two of these combined to get things resolved. A staring contest while thumb wrestling might be necessary.

  24. pj sanders says:

    hippo hippo hippo dum dum dum. I like pankakes

  25. Dot says:

    I cracked up when I saw the pancake stack-off! I wouldn’t even care who won! Just stack those pancakes over here.

  26. Natural says:

    hahah. I love no. 2. if eyes and looks could do some physical damage, i could wipe out a small country.

  27. Bamboo: It’s a win-win situation for sure.

    Marelisa: A dart throwing contest would be a fun way to settle a dispute… as long as the competitors do not throw the darts at each other. Thumb wars can be very therapeutic.

    Avani-Mehta: Staying up for all thre Lord of the Rings is a daunting task.

    Davina: Thank you! I have tried that method of staring contest before, and it is not easy.

    Tim Brownson: I have lived a sheltered life and never competed the people’s favorite dispute settler.

    Hiccups: Did you win your five dollar death match?

    Barbara Swafford: Dollar stores are wonderful. I do all my holiday shopping in them. I find it funny when my friends and family act as though I bought them junk… when obviously I made all of their dreams come true.

    Scott McIntyre: I think you hit the nail on the head.

    BC Doan: Thank you!

    Ted: What is thunderdome? It sounds glorious.

    raquel: I have not, but I have lost many a staring contest on google images to Mr. Bill Cosby.

  28. Tabbie: Those are great additions!

    SpaceAgeSage: I would love to compete in the shake sip off!

    Al at 7P: Mixing and matching would certainly hold some advantages.

    pj sanders: Very well said!

    Dot: I hear you!

    Natural: haha. Leave my poor Papa New Guinea on the map please.

  29. pj sanders says:

    thank you mr. I have a snake that has an eating disorder. dum dum dum

  30. Thank you for this, just want to letcha know I subscribed to your blog too…thanks ;)

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