Illustration by ~jesskat83
1. The Movie Foodie
This moviegoer never fails to drop at least 20 big ones on overpriced junk.
They’re a loud breed. You can hear them as they chomp on artificial cheese drenched chips, struggle to unwrap plastic, or desperately slurp up the last drop of their 64 oz. cola.
If you’re lucky enough to sit next to a relatively quiet MF, they will undoubtedly make their presence known with a smelly hot dog burp.
2. The Serial Telephone Answerer
The least self-aware of moviegoers, the serial telephone answerer will answer any call at anytime. Even worse, they won’t even try to keep their conversation short.
They either have some serious cajones, or are what we humanoids call socially retarded.
3. The Joke Parrot
Did Adam Sandler just say something giggle-worthy? The joke parrot will repeat his words for all to hear, while chuckling.
4. Mrs. Small Bladder
Senorita small bladder will spend half the movie maneuvering to and from the bathroom. And for some incomprehensible reason, she’ll sit precisely in the center of the row, ensuring the need to awkwardly tuck your legs into your body every four minutes.
5. The Enforcer
The enforcer can be your best friend. But beware; if you get on their bad side, they will shush you into oblivion.
6. Mr. Day Dreamer
Mr. Day Dreamer was blessed with a beautiful, introspective mind. Unfortunately, he avoids key plot points like they’re STDs.
If you take a dreamer to the cinemaplex, expect to spend the majority of the film recapping action sequences that took place 30-seconds prior.
7. The Comedian
Some people make the mistake of going to the theater merely to become engrossed in cinematic bliss. But, the real show is often the pimply-faced teen two rows back with more jokes than a knock-knock book.
8. The Plot Controller
The plot controller truly believes that the characters on screen can hear them, and will never hesitate to offer life-saving advice to the protagonist.