8 Moviegoers to Avoid « Pun Intended
Written by Flying LlamaFish

Illustration by ~jesskat83

1. The Movie Foodie

This moviegoer never fails to drop at least 20 big ones on overpriced junk.

They’re a loud breed. You can hear them as they chomp on artificial cheese drenched chips, struggle to unwrap plastic, or desperately slurp up the last drop of their 64 oz. cola.

If you’re lucky enough to sit next to a relatively quiet MF, they will undoubtedly make their presence known with a smelly hot dog burp.

2. The Serial Telephone Answerer

The least self-aware of moviegoers, the serial telephone answerer will answer any call at anytime. Even worse, they won’t even try to keep their conversation short.

They either have some serious cajones, or are what we humanoids call socially retarded.

3. The Joke Parrot

Did Adam Sandler just say something giggle-worthy? The joke parrot will repeat his words for all to hear, while chuckling.

4. Mrs. Small Bladder

Senorita small bladder will spend half the movie maneuvering to and from the bathroom. And for some incomprehensible reason, she’ll sit precisely in the center of the row, ensuring the need to awkwardly tuck your legs into your body every four minutes.

5. The Enforcer

The enforcer can be your best friend. But beware; if you get on their bad side, they will shush you into oblivion.

6. Mr. Day Dreamer

Mr. Day Dreamer was blessed with a beautiful, introspective mind. Unfortunately, he avoids key plot points like they’re STDs.

If you take a dreamer to the cinemaplex, expect to spend the majority of the film recapping action sequences that took place 30-seconds prior.

7. The Comedian

Some people make the mistake of going to the theater merely to become engrossed in cinematic bliss. But, the real show is often the pimply-faced teen two rows back with more jokes than a knock-knock book.

8. The Plot Controller

The plot controller truly believes that the characters on screen can hear them, and will never hesitate to offer life-saving advice to the protagonist.

5 Responses to “8 Moviegoers to Avoid”
  1. Walter says:

    Funny yet true. I have had experienced every character you have mentioned here and some of them are really annoying. But I must admit the I’m guilty of being a movie foodie, however, I go to a spot where I will not interrupt someone. 🙂

  2. Flying LlamaFish says:

    Walter: You sound like a very considerate Movie Foodie. We at P.I. salute you!

  3. Movie foodies are hilarious.

  4. Gollum says:

    What about the seatback-kicker? Sometimes a young kid whose feet do not reach the floor and who swings them back and forth, hitting the back of your seat each time. Sometimes the sloucher, who sinks into his/her seat and puts feet on the back of your seat. I’ve been tempted to bring a hammer with me for the latter . . . .

  5. Paul says:

    There is at least one omission to this list, which I will dutifully provide. I have encountered this type of character 3 or so times, and was surprised to discover that some of my friends have as well. My description will not be for the faint-of-heart or the easily offended, but it will be accurate.

    This fellow is someone I call the auto-erotic exhibitionist. Maybe this phenomenon is specific only to the SF Bay Area, or maybe this kind of person exists everywhere. Always overweight, always wearing thick glasses, and, worst of all for reasons I’ll get to in a moment, always wearing a puffy down jacket.

    He only enters the theater and makes his way to his seat after the house lights have dimmed, I assume in order to hide his identity. Within minutes you become aware of the rhythmic sound of puffy down jacket against puffy down jacket. It continues for a few minutes, the rhythm quickening almost imperceptibly until a faint, whispered grunt confirms your worst suspicions…

    Your feeling of revulsion is mitigated only by your relief that this sick and twisted individual has “shot his wad” and is done for the remainder of the film. Or, better yet, he might just get up and move to a different theater.

    But no. No. Too soon you hear the familiar, rhythmic sound commence again as the pervert has another go at it. And another. And, assuming that the theater is, by this time, too crowded to allow for your relocation, again and again and again.

    If I ever come across this type again, I tell myself, I’m going to confront him and publicly shame the freak…

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