Dear Will Ferrell,
You are the ultimate movie jock. In the last few years, you’ve starred in movies about soccer, NASCAR, basketball, and even ice skating. While you have covered an impressive array in a short time, I believe there are so many more sports that you can glorify on film.
I strongly recommend that you create movies about the following seven sports:
1. Pole Vaulting
Here’s my idea:
You flee from a Peruvian prison, using only a pole to propel yourself over an electric fence… thus finding your true purpose in life.
2. Hang Gliding
My plot suggestion:
The woman you’ve been smitten with since high school suddenly returns to your small hometown after a 15-year absence. She’s just as beautiful and wonderful as you remember. Only problem: She’s engaged to a cheating jerk.
The two of you quickly catch up and she confides in you. In an attempt to impress her, you take up hang gliding. Your efforts don’t work quite as planned, but your friendship is reignited nonetheless. All the while, she remains oblivious to her fiance’s slimy ways.
After a few humorous hang gliding accidents, you glide directly into her outdoor wedding ceremony just as the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage. You object with a touching, yet goofy speech about how you’ve always loved her.
In the form of a montage, she recalls the countless good times you both have shared. She then tells her slime ball fiance her heart belongs to you. The two of you proceed to run off a small cliff that happens to be adjacent to the ceremony and hang glide into the sunset.
This sport is practically begging for a great underdog story. As a curler from humble beginnings, you could do for curling what Rocky did for Boxing.
You awake one morning in a strange place, disoriented and remembering nothing of your life. Armed only with a croquet mallet and a ten-dollar bill in your breast pocket, you set out to find the truth.
You befriend a stuffy, middle-aged Englishman. Instead of helping you in your quest to find out your true identity, he teaches you all there is to know about competitive croquet. Being a natural, you fall in love with the sport and forget all about that pesky case of amnesia.
The movie climaxes when you successfully perform the ridiculously difficult Sextuple Peel and win the local croquet competition. You come to the realization that being a croquet champion in a small, foreign town trumps any lifestyle you might have once led.
5. Synchronized Swimming
If anyone could show the world that swimming, dance, and gymnastics belong together, it’s you and only you. You could even turn shower caps into the next fashion craze.
A yo-yo enthusiast since age six, you have always dreamed of winning the prestigious Yo-Yo Open. You were well on your way to becoming the youngest champion in history when a Three-Leaf Clover attempt gone wrong cut off your circulation, thus causing you to forever lose sensation in your yo-yo finger.
Flash forward 30 years, and you are a washed up 41-year-old running a yo-yo shop. When a socially awkward youngin’ that frequents your shop sees you do your signature yo-yo move, he’s so impressed that he starts following you around everywhere you go. He talks you into training him, and you hesitantly accept.
Through the power of a playful montage (to Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”) you show little Chester every yo-yo trick in the book. Not only do the two of you bring out the best in one another, but you feel like a child again. The movie culminates with Chester winning the Yo-Yo Open.
You were put on this green earth for a variety of reasons, but I strongly believe your ultimate purpose is to put Brazillian dance-fighting back on the map.
If you take my suggestions to heart, you will become to sports what Einstein is to physics. Best of luck to you, Big Willy.