Photo by mandj98

The Procrastination Demon bites us all from time to time. It is simply human nature. While we would all benefit from overcoming this productive killer, I am not here to tell you how. I am only here to tell you all about the seven stages of procrastination and their progressions.

Here we go!

1. Training

How can you accomplish anything without the proper preparation?

Proper procrastination begins with N.E.T.S., or napping, eating, to-do-listing and showering. Sure you slept 10 solid hours last night, but wouldn’t one more hour make all the difference? You may not be hungry, but you are certain that half-eaten bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips is brain food. You also want to write a to-do list of everything you need to accomplish to finish your task. This will ensure that you complete everything in the most efficient way possible. And of course, you can’t start working if you haven’t yet cleansed yourself. So, you reward yourself with a hot, 3-hour shower.

The training stage is also known as “The Optimistic Period.” It is characterized by the strong belief that once training is complete you will work swiftly and efficiently to complete your task. Enjoy the final moments of this stage, because a cloud of dread is about to form above your head.

Song Recommendation: “Rocky Theme Song” from Rocky

2. Dread

At this point you realize there is no more training you can do to continue avoiding your project. A feeling of dread completely consumes you. This stage is characterized by silent periods of depression and nostalgia. You miserably sit in the fetal position daydreaming about happier times. When you aren’t thinking about how much you are dreading working on your task, you are fantasizing about how amazing your life will be once it’s all done. Once this gets old, you just sit there thinking about all the other things you would rather be doing.

Song Recommendation: “Mad World” by Gary Jules

3. Anger

After a long, devastating hour of feeling sorry for yourself, your dread turns into anger. You feel as though everyone is out having fun while you are being tortured by the Procrastination Demon. You are downright livid and you want everyone and their pet hamster to know it. Although most people don’t care, you feel inclined to tell the world every little detail of your sorrow. Forget the fact that Vladimir’s grandmother, Oksana, a recent Russian immigrant, doesn’t speak a word of English, you’re sure she’ll hang on to every word about your struggle.

This stage is often triggered by an invitation to do something fun like watch a Charles in Charge marathon with your closest friends.

Song Recommendation: “Imperial March” from Star Wars

4. Getting Your Priorities Out of Order

Even though you have so far accomplished next to nothing, you feel the need to take a break. You need an escape from all that escalating pressure, and you are willing to do just about anything to put off thinking about the task at hand. Unfortunately for you, the thought of the project is destined to linger in the back of your mind.

During this stage, you immediately log onto Facebook or Myspace. You feel it is of the utmost importance that you find out if Ziggy and Myrtle’s on again, off again relationship is currently on or off. And, you just have to know if Oswaldo finally posted those pictures of his summer volunteering in Tanzania.

After you have carefully studied every detail of your every acquaintance, you move along to finally responding to that lovely e-mail your great aunt had sent you four months prior. Other activities include eating, watching TV and listening to your favorite Spice Girls album.

Although you are “entertained” by these activities, nothing you do is actually fun.

Song Recommendation: “99 Red Balloons” by Nena

5. Time Shift

I am not talking about time travel here. No siree. Time shifting is far more powerful and much more evil. What I speak of is when you tell yourself you will start working in exactly 10 minutes. When that magic time arrives, you just aren’t quite ready to get to work. You negotiate with your conscience for an additional 10 minutes… only this time you are certain you will definitely work hardcore when the time comes.

This phenomenon is known to go on and on for several hours and often overlaps with stages 1-4.

Song Recommendation: “Clocks” by Coldplay

6. The Ugly Realization

This is the hardest part to swallow. At this stage, you come to the realization that you have done everything but what you originally set out to accomplish, and you feel worse than a pig at the Big Pig Slaughter.

This period is a time of reflection and truth. A period in which you begin to see everything clearly. You think about how you wasted eight hours of your life. Not only did you get nothing done but you didn’t even have any fun. You realize that you always do this and claim you will never procrastinate again because you have “finally learned your lesson.” You actually believe this statement and conveniently forget making it next week when you have a new project to complete.

This stage is filled with sadness as you think of that Charles in Charge marathon you missed and the sleep you will not be getting tonight.

Song Recommendation: “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas

7. Acceptance

The sooner you accept that old-fashioned hard work is the only path to finishing your task, the better.

Eventually you stop finding ways to procrastinate and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your heart begins to beat at a quicker pace than usual and you feel abnormally alert. You suddenly feel fully committed to doing what you need to do. Magic overtakes you, and you begin working hardcore. Nothing short of a meteorite landing on your workspace will distract you from completing the task at hand.

The moment you finally complete your task is glorious to say the least. You scan your workspace and see a war zone. Scraps of food lie idly. Papers are scattered throughout. Unidentifiable spillage is within sight.

As you look into the mirror, you see messy, unkempt hair and circles under your eyes. You feel good, though. Procrastination may have gotten the best of you, but you get the last word. You are victorious.

Song Recommendation: “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles

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Illustration by hellangel1126

Did you know you’re a magician? Well, you are.

The magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat, know exactly what cards are in your hands after countless shuffles and nab a lucky penny right out of your ear lobe.

If you’re unaware of your identity of being a magician, you will be missing out on some of the most precious gifts right at your disposal. And that would be a real tragedy.

Lucky for you, I’m here to remind you of the magic that’s deep within. This magic you can access at any time. It is true, some tricks take a little more time than others to master - but if you don’t know you’re a magician, you don’t do any magic.

Here, at P.I. - we’re all about doing the magic…

Here’s a list of some great magic tricks we can all learn. It may require that we remind ourselves from time to time of our identity, but with a little effort, and knowing who we are, these and others are more than in our grasp.

Some recommended magic tricks:

• Becoming an early riser. That’s right, if you want to do this - there’ s nothing to stop you. You’re a magician, remember?
• Exercising three times a week. It feels good, don’t it?
• Increased fruits and veggies in ones diet. This is a good move on all counts.
• Learn a new skill. Such as, martial arts, painting, even poetry.

Not every magic trick will appeal to everyone. But take a good tea or coffee break and think of those magic tricks you’ve wanted to accomplish for some time now. They are well within your grasp. They are more than doable.

I find that we human beings are the truest kind of magicians. If we really want to do something bad enough, we can do it. We can do it because it is well within our capability of doing so. In the span of our life we come nowhere near reaching our full potential.

A big part of the secret of tapping into that latent potential is knowing it’s there. You’ll never really strive for something that you believe is beyond your grasp. But, when you know you’re capable of it, your energies are catalyzed and move in the required directions. When your energies are properly directed, the outcome can be breath taking. You must constantly remind yourself of your capability.

The only thing ever stopping you, is yourself. When you know you’re a magician, you begin to do the magic.

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Illustration by Repoort

It is with great honor that I present to you the seven most fun words of all time. Along with each word’s definition, I have also included a possible conversation starter that will surely make you the envy of the room.

So, sit back, relax, and enlighten yourself.

1. Hootenanny

Definition: a social gathering or informal concert featuring folk singing and, sometimes, dancing.

Ditching our loser friends at the hoedown to crash this hootenanny was the best thing we ever dun did.

2. Brouhaha

Definition: excited public interest, discussion, or the like, as the clamor attending some sensational event; hullabaloo.

When David Hasselhoff inspired the crumbling of the Berlin Wall, he caused quite the brouhaha.

3. Riboflavin

Definition: a vitamin B complex factor appearing as an orange-yellow, crystalline compound, C₁₇H₂₀N₄O₆, derived from ribose, essential for growth, found in milk, fresh meat, eggs, leafy vegetables, etc., or made synthetically, and used in enriching flour, in vitamin preparations, and in treating facial lesions.

Have you gotten your weekly riboflavin injection yet, Rufus?

4. Jabberwocky

Definition: a playful imitation of language consisting of invented, meaningless words; nonsense; gibberish.

I wish that Eiffel 65 would stop speaking Jabberwocky.

5. Soufflé

Definition: a light baked dish made fluffy with beaten egg whites combined with egg yolks, white sauce, and fish, cheese, or other ingredients.

I baked my granny a five-layer soufflé in exchange for that fine polyester sweater she lovingly knitted me.

6. Jambalaya

Definition: a Creole dish consisting of rice that has been cooked with shrimp, oysters, ham, or chicken and seasoned with spices and herbs.

Jambalaya is almost as fun to eat as it is to say.

7. Poppycock

Definition: senseless talk; nonsense.

How dare you give Bennifer’s masterpiece, Gigli, two thumbs way, way down. That’s absolute poppycock, Ebert.

Definitions are from dictionary.com

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Photo by your host Bamboo Forest

Embarrassment is an emotion that is highly toxic and highly unnecessary. Who needs it and who wants it?

Today we’re going to be talking about embarrassment: the cause of it, whether it’s really worth it or not, and what we can do about it.

Is Embarrassment Worth It?

Could embarrassment prevent you from asking a cute girl or guy out?

Could embarrassment coerce you into staying in an uncomfortable, inconvenient, or unfavorable circumstance simply because it would require a proactive move to free yourself from it?

Could embarrassment discourage you from doing what is right, simply because it would be uncomfortable doing so?

What do all of the above have in common? Simple. Embarrassment can cause you to miss out on the opportunities of life. And this is why, it must be conquered.

Choosing not to act on the basis of preventing embarrassment can cause boat loads of regret. But, you will never feel regret for having felt embarrassed. This is the great irony. Embarrassment has never and will never cause regret. Doing something you believe in anyways, in the midst of embarrassment, will always give you great reward and satisfaction. Regardless of whether you succeeded or not.

You act in a way that is unfavorable for you in order to accomplish not being embarrassed. Yet, doing what is favorable for you, while being embarrassed, can give you the most profound sense of accomplishment you could ever possibly have. This level of irony, this one is for the books!

The Cause of Embarrassment

This may come as a surprise, but the cause is our own selves. Some people easily get embarrassed while others are more impervious to it. Embarrassment happens inside our own skin. It’s not a natural response like the beating of our heart, or the picking up of vibrations from our ears. Instead, we kindle the flame of embarrassment. But, we can also put it out.

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Mountain Dew photo by Compujeramey

Last week I was watching a film highly recommended by my mentor and nutritionist, Herbert. That film was Super Size Me. What I witnessed was downright appalling. As I sipped on my double chocolate brownie milkshake, I was subjected to blatant lie after lie.

Disgusted, I set out on a quest. A quest for truth. A quest to set the record straight once and for all. I decided to make my own superior documentary where I study the health benefits of consuming a delicious concoction of a meal directly before bedtime. The meal consists of a hearty portion of Bloomin’ Onion and Mountain Dew.

Here is the premise:

I shall adhere to certain daily rules for 90 days:

1. I will eat an entire order of Bloomin’ Onion prior to falling asleep for 90 consecutive nights.
2. Every night, I shall wash the Bloomin’ down with a 64 oz. Mountain Dew that the local movie theatre has graciously offered to provide.
3. I will always consume the Bloomin’ Onion precisely 12 minutes before entering my golden slumber.
4. I shall take approximately three times the recommended dose of Nyquil to ensure that I fall asleep shortly after consumption.

The contract I have signed comes with an array of perks:

• I will be reimbursed for up to $1,000 of medical bills if necessary. (Which it won’t be)
• If I am to survive (which I will), I will also receive a $200 dollar gift certificate to The Sizzler.
• I received the obvious signing bonus of 90 orders of Bloomin’ Onion and a glorious gift of 5,760 oz. of Mountain Dew (no ice).

I am currently on day seven of this experiment and feeling rather sick. This may be due to dehydration as I have occasionally left a sip or two of Mountain Dew untouched.

I want everyone to wish me luck, for I am doing this in the name of science.

Bloomin’ Onion and Mountain Dew: The Documentary - Coming to a theatre near you October 1, 2008.

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Fozzie Bear said it best.

If this Panda Bear could speak, I am sure he would say it second best…
 

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Illustration by SelanPike

Many of you have been taught there are nine planets in the solar system (I refuse to ever discredit Pluto) You’ve been lied to.

I am sorry.

There is a 10th planet in our solar system named “Cell Phone” and it was discovered in 1973 by Martin Cooper.

This planet has been responsible for an untold number of disasters. The astrologers were right all along; planets do in fact impinge upon our lives and destiny.

Before I delve into some of the wrongs this planet has wrought upon our earth and its inhabitants, I’d like to speak about the good it has done:

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