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In the coming days, our identities shall be revealed. You will come face-to-face with Flying LlamaFish and Bamboo Forest.

Stay tuned…

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Photo by Refracted Moments

Good Day, loyal readers. Today I shall bless your souls. I am going to share the secret to monetary success.

How does a decade of schooling and twenty years of hard work sound? Flush that thought down the toilet, because I have a better idea… Write a Christmas song.

Think about it. Christmas songs are inescapable this time of year. No matter what you do, or where you go, you are going to be bombarded with Christmas song after Christmas song. Only death and taxes are more certain than this phenomenon.

Write a little three minute ditty about the joys of the holiday season, and you will be minting Benjamins in no time. It doesn’t matter if your song is slightly repetitive, or on the verge of annoying. In fact, I recommend it.

So, take your pick. Work 9-5 almost everyday for the majority of your life, or spend three solid hours crafting the catchiest Christmas tune you ever did hear. It’s your choice.

But, you don’t have to take my word for it… Just ask the guy who wrote “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

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Illustration by ~laurabeth

1. “With all due respect.” If you have just heard these four words - you’re about to get clobbered. You could be answering questions after a speech, speaking with your client or boss, or even chatting with a friend and it wouldn’t matter. What follows these four words has nothing to do with respect and never has.

2. “This is just going to hurt a little.” You know full well this is going to hurt a hell of a lot. That long syringe your dentist is about to jam into your delicate tissue is the “best” option of two really undesirable ones. Do what I do when it happens and scream like a little school girl.

3. “We are experiencing higher than normal call volume.” Excuse me… EXCUUUUSE MEEEE! When have you ever had a normal volume of callers? Ever…? This isn’t your way of hiding that you hired too few employees is it? You were having a rare day of enhanced call volume, RIGHT?

ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!!

4. “I’m just not ready to get into another relationship.” If your crush says this, it only means one thing: You’re not what I am looking for, if you were, I’d tell you something quite different.

5. “Maybe.” If you ask someone a question, and their response is, “maybe,” it really means this: “Let me think for a while, so that when I come up with a better excuse, I’ll share it with you.”

Works like a charm and I highly recommend it.

6. “I’m about to share with you my secret system, that with only a few hours of work a month, you will make 5,000 to 10,000 dollars EVERY WEEK!

If you hear a commercial saying anything remotely resembling this, here’s the translation for you: “Give me 55 dollars so I can send you absolute junk; you will never make a single dime from it, yet I will become rich beyond my wildest dreams from the multitude of suckers out there willing to send me money… oh and thanks for being one.”

7. How are you doing?

“Fine”

And yourself?

“Just fine”

I’m so tired of this I could pull my hair out… I cannot wait for the day when I ask someone how they’re doing and their response is: “I feel like crud.”

Then they ask me, “how about you?”

I feel like sludge.

On this day we will have verification that great progress is being made in our society.

If you feel like sludge, say so.

I do.

*Thanks to Tim Brownson for inspiring # 3*

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Illustration by Strawberry Gina

1. Santa Coke

While Coca Cola is a wonderful beverage year-round, it tastes downright blissful when Mr. Clause’s mug adorns the red can.

2. Crazy Kwanzaa Parties

Have you ever gone to a Kwanzaa party and not had the time of your life?

Didn’t think so.

3. Stabbing Loved Ones with Candy Canes

If your great aunt as much as looks at you funny, give her a threatening glance accompanied by a quick flash of your sharpened candy cane. It’s fool proof.

4. Cashiers switch from the standard “Have a nice day” to the more festive “Happy Holidays”

This one’s not too exciting. It is, however, very true.

5. Overweight, white haired guys capitalizing on their resemblance to St. Nick

Further proving that every dog has their day.

6. You get to put a tree in your home

Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose what type. Sorry, Eucalyptus enthusiasts. I feel your pain.

7. Groups of cherry-cheeked children knock on your door and break into song

Thus interrupting your TV dinner… wait, that’s not such a good thing. Wrong list.


Honorable Mention:

Jack Frost nipping on your nose

It’s a tad bit creepy, but hey… it’s the holidays.

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Illustration by *PrincessTigerLili

You’ve been hit by many arrows. Many have taken you down - some haven’t.

The goal, of course, is to keep ourselves from getting struck, and if we do get hit - to remove the arrow as quickly as possible.

We all want to be our best, to make the wisest choices and to live fulfilling lives. Doing so, however, has never been without challenge: hence all the arrows that constantly rain down upon us. Fortunately, there are ways to contend with these arrows, and the more hard work and better strategy we employ, the more effective we will become at living an arrow free life.

Of course, never expect arrows to stop falling towards you. That is foolish. Instead, strengthen your mind and spirit every step along the way. You become better at what you practice.

The same mind that creates these arrows can disarm them. But it will not happen on its own. You must do it. And you must because you can.

Read more »

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Dear Will Ferrell,

You are the ultimate movie jock. In the last few years, you have starred in movies about soccer, NASCAR, basketball, and even ice skating. While you have covered an impressive array in a short time, I believe there are so many more sports that you can glorify on film.

I strongly recommend that you create movies about the following seven sports:

1. Pole Vaulting

Here’s my idea:

You flee from a Peruvian prison, using only a pole to propel yourself over an electric fence… thus finding your true purpose in life.

2. Hang Gliding

My plot suggestion:

The woman you’ve been smitten with since high school suddenly returns to your small hometown after a 15-year absence. She’s just as beautiful and wonderful as you remember. One problem: She’s engaged to a cheating jerk.

The two of you quickly catch up and she confides in you. In an attempt to impress her, you take up hang gliding. Your efforts don’t work quite as planned, but your friendship is reignited nonetheless. All the while, she remains oblivious to her fiance’s slimy ways.

After a few humorous hang gliding accidents, you glide directly into her outdoor wedding ceremony just as the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage. You object with a touching, yet goofy speech about how you have always loved her.

In the form of a montage, she recalls the countless good times you and her have shared. She then tells her slime ball fiance her heart belongs to you. The two of you proceed to run off a small cliff that happens to be adjacent to the ceremony and hang glide into the sunset together.

3. Curling

This sport is practically begging for a great underdog story. As a curler from humble beginnings, you could do for curling what Rocky did for Boxing.

4. Croquet

You awake one morning in a strange place, disoriented and remembering nothing of your life. Armed with only a croquet mallet and a 10 dollar bill in your breast pocket, you set out to find the truth.

You befriend a stuffy, middle-aged Englishman. Instead of helping you in your quest to find out your true identity, he teaches you all there is to know about competitive croquet. Being a natural, you fall in love with the sport and forget all about that pesky case of amnesia.

The movie climaxes when you successfully perform the ridiculously difficult Sextuple Peel and win the local croquet competition. You come to the realization that being a croquet champion in a small, foreign town trumps any lifestyle you might have once led.

5. Synchronized Swimming

If anyone could show the world that swimming, dance, and gymnastics belong together… it’s you and only you. You could even turn shower caps into the next fashion craze.

6. Yo-Yoing

A yo-yo enthusiast since age 6, you have always dreamed of winning the prestigious Yo-Yo Open. You were well on your way to becoming the youngest champion in history when a Three-Leaf Clover attempt gone wrong cut off your circulation, thus causing you to forever lose sensation in your yo-yo finger.

Flash forward 30 years, and you are a washed up 41-year-old running a yo-yo shop. When a socially awkward youngin’ that frequents your shop sees you do your signature yo-yo move, he’s so impressed that he starts following you around everywhere you go. He talks you into training him, and you hesitantly accept.

Through the power of a playful montage (to Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”) you show little Chester every yo-yo trick in the book. Not only do the two of you bring out the best in one another, but you feel like a child again. The movie culminates with Chester winning the Yo-Yo Open.

7. Capoeira

You were put on this green earth for a variety of reasons, but I strongly believe your ultimate purpose is to put Brazillian dance-fighting back on the map.

If you take my suggestions to heart, you will become to sports what Einstein is to physics. Best of luck to you, Big Willy.

Yours truly,

Flying LlamaFish



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