7 Paths to Excessive Wealth
Illustration by humon
1. Stop Buying Insurance
Seriously, what are the odds of a natural disaster destroying your home? Does anyone even go to the doctor’s office anymore? Don’t even get me started on orthodontists.
Insurance is a suckers bet… plain and simple.
2. Exchange All Your Money to Japanese Yen
Of all the get-rich-quick schemes out there, this is by far the quickest. Simply drive to your bank and exchange your every last cent into Japanese yen. This may seem silly, but just 10 U.S. dollars can be exchanged for more than 1,000 yen.
It doesn’t take a mathematician to know that exploiting this exchange rate can make you filthy rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Holla back, Yen Millionaires!
3. Pyramid Schemes
Today’s cynical culture may have taught you to avoid pyramid schemes at all costs, but you will wipe that cynicism off your Armani suit when you are rolling in dough.
4. Become a Paparrazo
This money-making scheme is for the thrill seekers among us. Do you have the audacity to spend a weekend in George Clooney’s swimming pool, waiting to snap the perfect shot? If so, you should seriously consider this profession.
The beauty of this job is that you don’t even need to work full time. Acquire just one shot of the current ‘It” couple’s new oddly named baby, and you will have a small fortune on your hands in no time.
5. Purchase a Metal Detector
It is bittersweet when elderly men, who have worked hard their entire lives to barely make ends meet, discover the pot of gold sitting at the end of the Radio Shack catalog.
It warms my heart to witness newlyweds frantically searching for their wedding rings along the beach, only to see a metal detector yielding gent find it moments later.
Finders keepers, losers weepers, newlyweds.
6. Stop Paying Taxes
Did you know Wesley Snipes saved hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years by not paying taxes? Who’s the fool now?
7. Have 12 children
Sure you may have trouble getting all their names right, but there is a high probability that one of your little tykes will grow up to be rich. Maybe your Jason will grow up to be the next Tiger Woods. Perhaps little Rhonda will one day spill blistering hot coffee on her power suit while dining at the local KFC and earn a $14 million dollar settlement. The possibilities are endless, and it only takes one winner among the litter to provide you with riches.
This path to wealth is the riskiest and only for those blessed with a great deal of patience. You may not reap the rewards for 30-40 years, but you gotta play the odds baby!
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
October 9th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
You have certainly tapped in a WEALTH of WISDOM here.
If I had only known earlier! DARN!!!!
October 9th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I think I might try the Yen thing. If it doesn’t work out, I can learn to like sushi.
October 9th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
October 9th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I think another great way to become a millionaire overnight is to respond to those kind people who offer you an African ex-dictator’s money so that you stow it away until they can flee the country, and then they’ll split it with you!
October 9th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
You’ve already made me laugh with your first tip, in the light of recent events. Now….if only your sprouts of wisdom had come earlier….LOL!
October 9th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Damn! I couldn’t have found this before I tried legitimate work? Number 3 can totally work–provided you’re the one who’s starting the scheme.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
If I had 12 kids, I would need to be hospitalized in a mad house. Not sure it would be worth it.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Yes, if I could, I would stop paying insurances, and taxes in a heart beat. And no, 12 kids would send me into an asylum in a blink of an eye!
October 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Those emails about the UK Lottery puts cash in my pocket every time. Heck, I don’t even life in the UK or even play the Lottery but I keep winning.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Harmony: The important thing is that you know now!
Jamie Simmerman: It will work for sure. Sushi is amazing… I recommend you get hooked on it.
Tabbie: I only recommend 12 because I have a feeling that it would be hard to sustain a family any larger. But perhaps it could be done.
Marelisa: That sounds like a legit way to make some dough!
Evelyn Lim: It is never too late to amass excessive wealth using these seven techniques.
Sara at On Simplicity: It is ashame you had to earn money the old fashioned way, but now you can quit your job and make all your dreams come true!
Vered: The riches you would acquire would more than pay for the mad house fees!
October 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
BC Doan: The asylum ain’t so bad!
Carla: I love winning lotteries I don’t play!
October 11th, 2008 at 6:32 am
If one of these paths takes me to excessive wealth, where will I get if I try them all?
October 12th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Ha Ha- Too Funny- Your blogs give me the best laugh of my day!!!- You never disappoint me with your amazing wit!!
October 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Hi Flying Llama Fish - Having 12 children is a great idea, especially if you live in Alaska. With them handing out the annual permanent dividends, you could get rich quick. Of course you may freeze your butt off, but that’s a small price to pay for wealth. Isn’t it?
October 14th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
It does make you wonder how many takers those Nigerian business people get. Would they even keep trying if some sucker hadn’t taken them up on it?
October 14th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Not paying taxes and getting rid of insurance seem like the two best options for me right now. You didn’t mention selling organs on the black market, but that definitely works. I mean, not that I know . . . but I knew a guy . . . . Anyway, contact me if you’re interested. J/K
October 15th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I think we all should stop paying taxes. what is the IRS going to do, throw us all in jail. i don’t think so. we have them out numbered.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:54 am
[...] If I’m doing the math right, I’m going to need ten thousand, five hundred, seventy-six point nine two comments a day to reach my annual income goal. Don’t worry about calculating taxes. I’m not paying them. [...]
October 17th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Never underestimate the power of a lemonade stand.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
[...] If I’m doing the math right, I’m going to need ten thousand, five hundred, seventy-six point nine two comments a day to reach my annual income goal. Don’t worry about calculating taxes. I’m not paying them. [...]