Mountain Dew photo by Compujeramey

Last week I was watching a film highly recommended by my mentor and nutritionist, Herbert. That film was Super Size Me. What I witnessed was downright appalling. As I sipped on my double chocolate brownie milkshake, I was subjected to blatant lie after lie.

Disgusted, I set out on a quest. A quest for truth. A quest to set the record straight once and for all. I decided to make my own superior documentary where I study the health benefits of consuming a delicious concoction of a meal directly before bedtime. The meal consists of a hearty portion of Bloomin’ Onion and Mountain Dew.

Here is the premise:

I shall adhere to certain daily rules for 90 days:

1. I will eat an entire order of Bloomin’ Onion prior to falling asleep for 90 consecutive nights.
2. Every night, I shall wash the Bloomin’ down with a 64 oz. Mountain Dew that the local movie theatre has graciously offered to provide.
3. I will always consume the Bloomin’ Onion precisely 12 minutes before entering my golden slumber.
4. I shall take approximately three times the recommended dose of Nyquil to ensure that I fall asleep shortly after consumption.

The contract I have signed comes with an array of perks:

• I will be reimbursed for up to $1,000 of medical bills if necessary. (Which it won’t be)
• If I am to survive (which I will), I will also receive a $200 dollar gift certificate to The Sizzler.
• I received the obvious signing bonus of 90 orders of Bloomin’ Onion and a glorious gift of 5,760 oz. of Mountain Dew (no ice).

I am currently on day seven of this experiment and feeling rather sick. This may be due to dehydration as I have occasionally left a sip or two of Mountain Dew untouched.

I want everyone to wish me luck, for I am doing this in the name of science.

Bloomin’ Onion and Mountain Dew: The Documentary - Coming to a theatre near you October 1, 2008.

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I am a food lover, no doubt about it.

I admit I play favorites, but I find almost all foods to be decent on at least some level. Olives are not decent on any level. They are nauseating little things that should be banned from Earth. I would hold some respect for them if they kept to themselves. But, they insist on trying to corrupt pizzas, salads, and glass containers all over the world.

In conclusion: Olives and taste buds do not mix, so just say no to olives.

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Photo by kiwanja

When you eat pizza, you must drink Coca Cola Classic.

Good pizza never ceases to be delicious. Whether it be morning, the middle of the night, or any time in between… quality pizza will satisfy all your needs. But like all good superheroes, pizza must rely on a sidekick to provide the extra punch necessary to defeat evil. The sidekick in this instance is Coca-Cola Classic. The evil: unhappy taste buds.

Imagine that you are craving pizza. A large pizza from your favorite pizzeria appears before your taste buds. You begin inhaling that pizza like you have asthma. Each bite is more delicious than the next, but you eventually become thirsty. A cup appears and you take a large gulp. Imagine that gulp of liquid is milk.

If you haven’t regurgitated your imaginary pizza at the thought of washing it down with milk, you likely feel queasy at the very least. Water wouldn’t be much better.

There are a few beverages that would appease your taste buds: root beer, orange juice, or orange soda. While these beverages will do, only one beverage will show your taste buds the definition of euphoria.

There is simply nothing better than delicious pizza and Coca Cola Classic.

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