1. Alarm Clock Going Off

Only one thing stands between you and that vital extra hour of sleep… and it sounds like Satan.


2. Nails Scraping Against a Chalkboard

Evil teachers have been making this horrible sound for eons. This is the most vintage of eye-gouge inducing sounds.


3. Vomiting

There is no sound more horrid than that of a humanoid losing their lunch. And much like yawning, vomiting can be contagious.


4. Dentist’s Drill

Photo by tuppus

No sound evokes more fear than that of the dentist’s drill quickly approaching your pearly whites.


5. Mosquito Buzzing in Your Ear

Fear the wrath of the vampire bug as it taunts your ear lobe.


6. Loud Feeback

Feedback from speakers or a microphone can sound absolutely atrocious.


7. Crying Babies

Photo by brkinhrt2

Babies are cute, but the sound of nine of them crying simultaneously will forever haunt your dreams. Proof.

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Illustration by PandaOMG

1. They are impossible to get out of. I hereby propose legislation to replace all handcuffs with finger traps.
2. They are so entertaining, the word boredom will be purged from your vocabulary the second you get your paws on one.
3. The colors are downright mesmerizing. (Prepare to be hypnotized)
4. They are the rock stars of the trap universe. They are far better than both mouse traps and booby traps.
5. They are brought to us by the same nation that blessed the world with Dim Sung and Kung Fu.
6. They can be purchased with the currency of arcade tickets. If you spend a small fortune on tokens to play skee ball for a few hours, you too can have a finger trap of your very own.
7. They are the 8th wonder of the world.

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1. Synchronized Swimming

Is there anything more pure and beautiful than dancing in unison with a few of your closest friends, in a large body of chlorine, while sporting shower caps?

This Olympic event is the perfect fusion of swimming and contemporary dance.


2. Curling

Of all the weird Olympic sports, curling is by far the weirdest. Competitors help guide a 42-pound granite stone towards a target — on a giant sheet of ice — using brooms.

Some of the world’s finest janitors have gone on to successful curling careers.

See it with your own eyes:


3. Racewalking

This Olympic event is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of competitors speed walk to the finish line. If you break into a jog, you are immediately disqualified.

Racewalking is actively practiced by more people on a regular basis than any other Olympic sport. Let’s just say Young Urban Professionals dominate.


4. Pommel Horse

What happens when you take break dancing out of the streets and into the suburbs?

The Pommel Horse event.


5. Biathlon

Like Oreos and milk and Romeo and Juliet, cross country skiing and rifle shooting simply belong together… or so the Olympic Committee seems to think.

In this event, competitors ski race along a flat, snowy surface with a rifle attached to their backs. They must periodically stop and fire their rifles at targets.

Sounds like funny business to me.


6. Fencing

In the good old days, petty arguments were settled with the sword. Modern day duels however, take place on the Olympic stage and end with award ceremonies instead of death.

If you have a score to settle, pick up fencing. You may even win a medal or two.


7. Bobsledding

What’s a roller coaster enthusiast living in the arctic to do? Take up bobsledding of course.

Eskimos all over the world come together during the Winter Olympics to see whose sled packs the meanest punch.

If you’re interested in bobsledding but don’t fancy the cold, check out the 1993 classic, Cool Runnings, which tells the inspirational story of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.

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1. A Rousing Game of Monopoly

Photo by .A.A.

Playing Monopoly with a few friends or loved ones may seem like a delightful way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but it’s not. After 12 hours of bailing yourself out of jail and paying imaginary taxes, you simply don’t give an armadillo’s hiney if someone lands on your precious Boardwalk hotel.

Rumor has it that only a few brave men and women have ever completed an entire game.


2. Eating a Hot Pocket

Photo by Nestlé

When hunger strikes at 3 a.m., a microwavable Hot Pocket is just what the taste buds ordered. But beware… Nobody has ever consumed a Hot Pocket and not lived to regret it.


3. Pulling an All-Nighter

Photo by striatic

Dedicating an entire night to fighting sleep appears to be a promising endeavor at first glance. Whether you burn the midnight oil to be productive, or simply wish to have an extra eight hours of fun, you will feel like a real-life zombie by the time the sun rears its luminous head and the birds start chirping.


4. Ant Farms

Photo by Shabby Chica

Question: Who wouldn’t want to watch an entire miniature world prosper within the confines of their bedroom?

Answer: You, when you come to the realization that you have an army of nasty insects (which you received in the mail) living in your bedroom.


5. Crowd Surfing

Photo by icanteachyouhowtod it

Seeing your favorite band live can be truly exhilarating. You may get so into the music that you feel inclined to crowd surf. It seems like so much fun and you’re feeling uninhibited, so you go for it. You take a leap of faith into the heads of the crowd. You spend a good thirty seconds being passed along until you are eventually dropped flat on your face.


6. Cheap Chinese Food

Photo by ami23le

When you are starving and come across cheap Chinese food, it can be hard to resist. When you are offered a free sample, there’s no turning back. The sample always explodes with flavor and tastes absolutely delicious. You conclude that getting an entire meal will hit the spot, and you make the plunge. It tastes heavenly for a few bites, but then quickly begins to make you feel queasy. If you manage to eat it all, your poor stomach will need a few solid hours to recover.

Most of us tend to repeat this mistake at least a few times a year, despite “learning our lesson.”


7. Wearing an Elaborate, Uncomfortable Halloween Costume

Photo by qwrrty

Halloween is arguably the most fun holiday of the year, and there is no shame in going all out. But, when you wear that intricate gorilla suit (complete with realistic fur) to your best pal’s Halloween party, you will learn to regret it.

After an hour of blistering heat, limited sight, and unbearable itching, the majority of your costume will be resting on a table next to the refreshments and you will look like a half-primate freak.

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1. On the sharp thorns of a cactus. Say no to cactus caressing.
2. Inside an opened tube of Super Glue. Fight that temptation.
3. Against the holes of a cheese grater. Freshly shaved skin will not complement the greens in your salad.
4. Inside a vicious dog’s mouth. Everyone loses when you play Find the Man Eating Dog’s Tonsils.
5. Right through a lightsaber. I’m afraid the force will not be on your side.
6. In the interior of an active volcano. Lava leaves a mark.
7. And especially not inside a Venus Flytrap.

Seriously folks, heed my advice. You could harm yourself and look foolish.

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1. You have wild, unkempt hair.
2. Your white lab coat never comes off under any circumstances.
3. You are willing to do absolutely anything in the name of science… ANYTHING.
4. You never sleep. All you do is work on your latest diabolical invention.
5. You are overly dramatic. When in high school, you were kicked out of the drama club on three counts of overacting.
6. You have so many issues, not even the world’s best psychiatrist could help you.
7. Just as you activate your doomsday device, you must react with maniacal laughter. This is key.
8. You are more misunderstood than the most sensitive emo kid.
9. You must be a socially awkward loner that either lives alone or with a creepy sidekick.
10. You are an absolute genius, yet lack common sense.
11. Test tubes are your best friend.

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Here’s a plan to get you rich. Every time one of the following things happens, find a way to obtain a dime and put it in your lucky dime jar.

1. Running out of toilet paper while you’re on the can. If this happens to you consistently, then you have procrastination problems like I do. Paper towels were invented for this very reason.

2. Getting stains on your clothes. No matter how hard you try, the stains continue to reign. Do you have a favorite polo shirt or dress hanging in your closet? One trip to the Olive Garden and that spotless shirt becomes spotted.

3. Flyers on your car. STOP PUTTING THE DAMN FLYERS ON MY CAR!!! Indeed, if you receive a dime every time someone puts a flyer on your car, that estate will be yours before you know it.

4. Worrying about something that never ends up coming to pass. This one will not only make you a millionaire like all the others; you will soon join the likes of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.

5. Being placed in the most undesirable region of the restaurant before lamenting that you and your sweet heart don’t want to be sitting next to the kitchen, across from the restroom, tucked back in a dark corner with faint sounds of flushing being heard from time to time. How many times have you visited a restaurant that’s not full, yet the host finds it imperative to skip all the good seats and place you in the worst seat possible? Collect those dimes.

6. Having your favorite TV show, radio show, book, or phone conversation crop up from amongst the ether the very night you planned on going to bed early.

7. After using every esoteric strategy known to man to gauge which grocery line will move the fastest, you find yourself in the absolute slowest one.

A dime for each time one of these situations happens in your life will make you rich. I’ve given you the plan. All you have to do is find a way to get the dimes. That little responsibility I hand over to you. Now go out and make it happen.

Photo by Paul Albertella

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