1. Synchronized Swimming

Is there anything more pure and beautiful than dancing in unison with a few of your closest friends, in a large body of chlorine, while sporting shower caps?

This Olympic event is the perfect fusion of swimming and contemporary dance.


2. Curling

Of all the weird Olympic sports, curling is by far the weirdest. Competitors help guide a 42-pound granite stone towards a target — on a giant sheet of ice — using brooms.

Some of the world’s finest janitors have gone on to successful curling careers.

See it with your own eyes:


3. Racewalking

This Olympic event is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of competitors speed walk to the finish line. If you break into a jog, you are immediately disqualified.

Racewalking is actively practiced by more people on a regular basis than any other Olympic sport. Let’s just say Young Urban Professionals dominate.


4. Pommel Horse

What happens when you take break dancing out of the streets and into the suburbs?

The Pommel Horse event.


5. Biathlon

Like Oreos and milk and Romeo and Juliet, cross country skiing and rifle shooting simply belong together… or so the Olympic Committee seems to think.

In this event, competitors ski race along a flat, snowy surface with a rifle attached to their backs. They must periodically stop and fire their rifles at targets.

Sounds like funny business to me.


6. Fencing

In the good old days, petty arguments were settled with the sword. Modern day duels however, take place on the Olympic stage and end with award ceremonies instead of death.

If you have a score to settle, pick up fencing. You may even win a medal or two.


7. Bobsledding

What’s a roller coaster enthusiast living in the arctic to do? Take up bobsledding of course.

Eskimos all over the world come together during the Winter Olympics to see whose sled packs the meanest punch.

If you’re interested in bobsledding but don’t fancy the cold, check out the 1993 classic, Cool Runnings, which tells the inspirational story of the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team.

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1. A Rousing Game of Monopoly

Photo by .A.A.

Playing Monopoly with a few friends or loved ones may seem like a delightful way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but it’s not. After 12 hours of bailing yourself out of jail and paying imaginary taxes, you simply don’t give an armadillo’s hiney if someone lands on your precious Boardwalk hotel.

Rumor has it that only a few brave men and women have ever completed an entire game.


2. Eating a Hot Pocket

Photo by Nestlé

When hunger strikes at 3 a.m., a microwavable Hot Pocket is just what the taste buds ordered. But beware… Nobody has ever consumed a Hot Pocket and not lived to regret it.


3. Pulling an All-Nighter

Photo by striatic

Dedicating an entire night to fighting sleep appears to be a promising endeavor at first glance. Whether you burn the midnight oil to be productive, or simply wish to have an extra eight hours of fun, you will feel like a real-life zombie by the time the sun rears its luminous head and the birds start chirping.


4. Ant Farms

Photo by Shabby Chica

Question: Who wouldn’t want to watch an entire miniature world prosper within the confines of their bedroom?

Answer: You, when you come to the realization that you have an army of nasty insects (which you received in the mail) living in your bedroom.


5. Crowd Surfing

Photo by icanteachyouhowtod it

Seeing your favorite band live can be truly exhilarating. You may get so into the music that you feel inclined to crowd surf. It seems like so much fun and you’re feeling uninhibited, so you go for it. You take a leap of faith into the heads of the crowd. You spend a good thirty seconds being passed along until you are eventually dropped flat on your face.


6. Cheap Chinese Food

Photo by ami23le

When you are starving and come across cheap Chinese food, it can be hard to resist. When you are offered a free sample, there’s no turning back. The sample always explodes with flavor and tastes absolutely delicious. You conclude that getting an entire meal will hit the spot, and you make the plunge. It tastes heavenly for a few bites, but then quickly begins to make you feel queasy. If you manage to eat it all, your poor stomach will need a few solid hours to recover.

Most of us tend to repeat this mistake at least a few times a year, despite “learning our lesson.”


7. Wearing an Elaborate, Uncomfortable Halloween Costume

Photo by qwrrty

Halloween is arguably the most fun holiday of the year, and there is no shame in going all out. But, when you wear that intricate gorilla suit (complete with realistic fur) to your best pal’s Halloween party, you will learn to regret it.

After an hour of blistering heat, limited sight, and unbearable itching, the majority of your costume will be resting on a table next to the refreshments and you will look like a half-primate freak.

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1. On the sharp thorns of a cactus. Say no to cactus caressing.
2. Inside an opened tube of Super Glue. Fight that temptation.
3. Against the holes of a cheese grater. Freshly shaved skin will not complement the greens in your salad.
4. Inside a vicious dog’s mouth. Everyone loses when you play Find the Man Eating Dog’s Tonsils.
5. Right through a lightsaber. I’m afraid the force will not be on your side.
6. In the interior of an active volcano. Lava leaves a mark.
7. And especially not inside a Venus Flytrap.

Seriously folks, heed my advice. You could harm yourself and look foolish.

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1. You have wild, unkempt hair.
2. Your white lab coat never comes off under any circumstances.
3. You are willing to do absolutely anything in the name of science… ANYTHING.
4. You never sleep. All you do is work on your latest diabolical invention.
5. You are overly dramatic. When in high school, you were kicked out of the drama club on three counts of overacting.
6. You have so many issues, not even the world’s best psychiatrist could help you.
7. Just as you activate your doomsday device, you must react with maniacal laughter. This is key.
8. You are more misunderstood than the most sensitive emo kid.
9. You must be a socially awkward loner that either lives alone or with a creepy sidekick.
10. You are an absolute genius, yet lack common sense.
11. Test tubes are your best friend.

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Here’s a plan to get you rich. Every time one of the following things happens, find a way to obtain a dime and put it in your lucky dime jar.

1. Running out of toilet paper while you’re on the can. If this happens to you consistently, then you have procrastination problems like I do. Paper towels were invented for this very reason.

2. Getting stains on your clothes. No matter how hard you try, the stains continue to reign. Do you have a favorite polo shirt or dress hanging in your closet? One trip to the Olive Garden and that spotless shirt becomes spotted.

3. Flyers on your car. STOP PUTTING THE DAMN FLYERS ON MY CAR!!! Indeed, if you receive a dime every time someone puts a flyer on your car, that estate will be yours before you know it.

4. Worrying about something that never ends up coming to pass. This one will not only make you a millionaire like all the others; you will soon join the likes of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.

5. Being placed in the most undesirable region of the restaurant before lamenting that you and your sweet heart don’t want to be sitting next to the kitchen, across from the restroom, tucked back in a dark corner with faint sounds of flushing being heard from time to time. How many times have you visited a restaurant that’s not full, yet the host finds it imperative to skip all the good seats and place you in the worst seat possible? Collect those dimes.

6. Having your favorite TV show, radio show, book, or phone conversation crop up from amongst the ether the very night you planned on going to bed early.

7. After using every esoteric strategy known to man to gauge which grocery line will move the fastest, you find yourself in the absolute slowest one.

A dime for each time one of these situations happens in your life will make you rich. I’ve given you the plan. All you have to do is find a way to get the dimes. That little responsibility I hand over to you. Now go out and make it happen.

Photo by Paul Albertella

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Photo by mandj98

The Procrastination Demon bites us all from time to time. It is simply human nature. While we would all benefit from overcoming this productive killer, I am not here to tell you how. I am only here to tell you all about the seven stages of procrastination and their progressions.

Here we go!

1. Training

How can you accomplish anything without the proper preparation?

Proper procrastination begins with N.E.T.S., or napping, eating, to-do-listing and showering. Sure you slept 10 solid hours last night, but wouldn’t one more hour make all the difference? You may not be hungry, but you are certain that half-eaten bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips is brain food. You also want to write a to-do list of everything you need to accomplish to finish your task. This will ensure that you complete everything in the most efficient way possible. And of course, you can’t start working if you haven’t yet cleansed yourself. So, you reward yourself with a hot, 3-hour shower.

The training stage is also known as “The Optimistic Period.” It is characterized by the strong belief that once training is complete you will work swiftly and efficiently to complete your task. Enjoy the final moments of this stage, because a cloud of dread is about to form above your head.

Song Recommendation: “Rocky Theme Song” from Rocky

2. Dread

At this point you realize there is no more training you can do to continue avoiding your project. A feeling of dread completely consumes you. This stage is characterized by silent periods of depression and nostalgia. You miserably sit in the fetal position daydreaming about happier times. When you aren’t thinking about how much you are dreading working on your task, you are fantasizing about how amazing your life will be once it’s all done. Once this gets old, you just sit there thinking about all the other things you would rather be doing.

Song Recommendation: “Mad World” by Gary Jules

3. Anger

After a long, devastating hour of feeling sorry for yourself, your dread turns into anger. You feel as though everyone is out having fun while you are being tortured by the Procrastination Demon. You are downright livid and you want everyone and their pet hamster to know it. Although most people don’t care, you feel inclined to tell the world every little detail of your sorrow. Forget the fact that Vladimir’s grandmother, Oksana, a recent Russian immigrant, doesn’t speak a word of English, you’re sure she’ll hang on to every word about your struggle.

This stage is often triggered by an invitation to do something fun like watch a Charles in Charge marathon with your closest friends.

Song Recommendation: “Imperial March” from Star Wars

4. Getting Your Priorities Out of Order

Even though you have so far accomplished next to nothing, you feel the need to take a break. You need an escape from all that escalating pressure, and you are willing to do just about anything to put off thinking about the task at hand. Unfortunately for you, the thought of the project is destined to linger in the back of your mind.

During this stage, you immediately log onto Facebook or Myspace. You feel it is of the utmost importance that you find out if Ziggy and Myrtle’s on again, off again relationship is currently on or off. And, you just have to know if Oswaldo finally posted those pictures of his summer volunteering in Tanzania.

After you have carefully studied every detail of your every acquaintance, you move along to finally responding to that lovely e-mail your great aunt had sent you four months prior. Other activities include eating, watching TV and listening to your favorite Spice Girls album.

Although you are “entertained” by these activities, nothing you do is actually fun.

Song Recommendation: “99 Red Balloons” by Nena

5. Time Shift

I am not talking about time travel here. No siree. Time shifting is far more powerful and much more evil. What I speak of is when you tell yourself you will start working in exactly 10 minutes. When that magic time arrives, you just aren’t quite ready to get to work. You negotiate with your conscience for an additional 10 minutes… only this time you are certain you will definitely work hardcore when the time comes.

This phenomenon is known to go on and on for several hours and often overlaps with stages 1-4.

Song Recommendation: “Clocks” by Coldplay

6. The Ugly Realization

This is the hardest part to swallow. At this stage, you come to the realization that you have done everything but what you originally set out to accomplish, and you feel worse than a pig at the Big Pig Slaughter.

This period is a time of reflection and truth. A period in which you begin to see everything clearly. You think about how you wasted eight hours of your life. Not only did you get nothing done but you didn’t even have any fun. You realize that you always do this and claim you will never procrastinate again because you have “finally learned your lesson.” You actually believe this statement and conveniently forget making it next week when you have a new project to complete.

This stage is filled with sadness as you think of that Charles in Charge marathon you missed and the sleep you will not be getting tonight.

Song Recommendation: “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas

7. Acceptance

The sooner you accept that old-fashioned hard work is the only path to finishing your task, the better.

Eventually you stop finding ways to procrastinate and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your heart begins to beat at a quicker pace than usual and you feel abnormally alert. You suddenly feel fully committed to doing what you need to do. Magic overtakes you, and you begin working hardcore. Nothing short of a meteorite landing on your workspace will distract you from completing the task at hand.

The moment you finally complete your task is glorious to say the least. You scan your workspace and see a war zone. Scraps of food lie idly. Papers are scattered throughout. Unidentifiable spillage is within sight.

As you look into the mirror, you see messy, unkempt hair and circles under your eyes. You feel good, though. Procrastination may have gotten the best of you, but you get the last word. You are victorious.

Song Recommendation: “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles

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Illustration by Repoort

It is with great honor that I present to you the seven most fun words of all time. Along with each word’s definition, I have also included a possible conversation starter that will surely make you the envy of the room.

So, sit back, relax, and enlighten yourself.

1. Hootenanny

Definition: a social gathering or informal concert featuring folk singing and, sometimes, dancing.

Ditching our loser friends at the hoedown to crash this hootenanny was the best thing we ever dun did.


2. Brouhaha

Definition: excited public interest, discussion, or the like, as the clamor attending some sensational event; hullabaloo.

When David Hasselhoff inspired the crumbling of the Berlin Wall, he caused quite the brouhaha.


3. Riboflavin

Definition: a vitamin B complex factor appearing as an orange-yellow, crystalline compound, C₁₇H₂₀N₄O₆, derived from ribose, essential for growth, found in milk, fresh meat, eggs, leafy vegetables, etc., or made synthetically, and used in enriching flour, in vitamin preparations, and in treating facial lesions.

Have you gotten your weekly riboflavin injection yet, Rufus?


4. Jabberwocky

Definition: a playful imitation of language consisting of invented, meaningless words; nonsense; gibberish.

I wish that Eiffel 65 would stop speaking Jabberwocky.


5. Soufflé

Definition: a light baked dish made fluffy with beaten egg whites combined with egg yolks, white sauce, and fish, cheese, or other ingredients.

I baked my granny a five-layer soufflé in exchange for that fine polyester sweater she lovingly knitted me.


6. Jambalaya

Definition: a Creole dish consisting of rice that has been cooked with shrimp, oysters, ham, or chicken and seasoned with spices and herbs.

Jambalaya is almost as fun to eat as it is to say.


7. Poppycock

Definition: senseless talk; nonsense.

How dare you give Bennifer’s masterpiece, Gigli, two thumbs way, way down. That’s absolute poppycock, Ebert.

Definitions are from dictionary.com

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