Illustration by SelanPike

Many of you have been taught there are nine planets in the solar system (I refuse to ever discredit Pluto) You’ve been lied to.

I am sorry.

There is a 10th planet in our solar system named “Cell Phone” and it was discovered in 1973 by Martin Cooper.

This planet has been responsible for an untold number of disasters. The astrologers were right all along; planets do in fact impinge upon our lives and destiny.

Before I delve into some of the wrongs this planet has wrought upon our earth and its inhabitants, I’d like to speak about the good it has done:

(more…)

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

1. The doctor told you that you only have six months to live… Five years ago.
2. You have an award winning smile.
3. You wear a suit at all times. This includes bedtime.
4. You cannot be too young or too old.
5. You are overly enthusiastic. Even tree bark excites you.
6. You have more energy than a ten-year-old child.
7. You have written at least ten books covering exactly the same topic.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Photo by sachyn

1. Who is the culprit that stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
2. Just how did that Stella get her groove back?
3. Where in the world is that rascal, Carmen Sandiego?
4. Who let them dogs out?
5. How deep does the rabbit hole truly go?
6. Where have all the cowboys gone?
7. Where on this glorious earth did Whoopi Goldberg’s eyebrows go?

Dear readers, do you have the answers?

Photo by Daniel Langer

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Welcome to The P.I. Baby Name Factory.

Directions:
1) Get pregnant.
2) Pick a name from the list.
3) Wait nine months. (Repeat as necessary.)

1. Bertha
2. Clementine
3. Mildred
4. Ursula
5. Shaniqua
6. Gertrude
7. Olga

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

1. Nobody wears a sweater like Bill Cosby.
2. You will always regret eating a Hot Pocket.
3. Conan O’ Brien is funnier than Jay Leno or David Letterman.
4. Whether or not boomerangs actually work will always remain a mystery.
5. Bologna is a fun word.
6. Coke is always superior to Pepsi.
7. Eating salad without salad dressing is a tragic mistake.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

1. It is impossible to overfeed a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
2. Star Wars is superior to Star Trek.
3. Mavis Beacon can and will out-type you any day of the week.
4. Mice are responsible for the holes in Swiss Cheese.
5. Gyms are always packed in early January, but empty out by February.
6. If you can fluently speak your native language and Pig Latin, you are bilingual.
7. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

1. The automatic flusher going off prematurely while I’m still sitting on the toilet. I’ve yet to have a desire for getting spritzes of toilet water on my behind.
2. Waving my hands like a wild man, to get the automatic sink to run. Sometimes, I have to break into the mamba or cucaracha just to get the water to flow.
3. Running out of toilet paper in a public restroom when I necessitate it. That’s when my 007 skills have to come into full gear.
4. Unsalted potato chips. I recently bought a bag of chips only to come home and realize something is terribly wrong. Why on earth would they make unsalted chips?
5. Burning my precious taste buds on scolding hot pizza (we’ve all done it). You expect me to wait a full 3 minutes before I bite into the glory?
6. My video being checked out or they don’t even carry it. I’m now a Netflix customer.
7. Pebbles in my shoes : x

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!