7 Atrocities of The Mouth
Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
Illustration by ~GothicSky
Have you noticed how much attention the mouth demands? Billions of dollars every year pour into the pockets of orthodontists, dentists, as well as companies named Crest. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, but let us examine this atrocity anyways.
1. Braces
If you have a couple thousand dollars laying around, not to mention a penchant for pain - you too can have steel cemented to your enamel. Why join the military to build character when you can spend three years with braces? Every six weeks you get to test your mettle, with what is known as the great “tightening.” Children from all over the globe agonize over this - and for good reason: anything connected to your mouth that requires a wrench isn’t good.
2. Silver fillings
We all know what silver fillings really are. They are implants that receive signals from government shadow groups - controlling the votes of voters who have them. With every election, there is enough of the populace with these fillings to sway the final outcome. Voting is indeed futile.
3. Retainer
The fun never seems to end; you get the braces off and now get plastic fun. What’s great about retainers is they give you a slur when you speak. The chicks dig it too.
4. Mouthwash
Who doesn’t love a bottle of liquid fire? Put the green stuff in your mouth straight up, and swish it around for 10 minutes nonstop. Do this and be admitted into the Guinness book of world records. I dare you.
5. Rubber bands
Braces are the trunk of a tree, with many branches of fun. Say hello to rubber bands. To tell you what it’s like to have an office supply utilized in your mouth is like trying to explain what surfing an avalanche feels like. You would have to experience it to know.
6. Headgear
Headgear… Headgear… Headgear… I, Bamboo Forest, wore this abomination during a trying time in my life. There is much to say about this contraption and none good. A bit belongs in the mouth of a horse - not a human being.
And headgear sounds really intense. Use headgear if you’re flying in the space shuttle - but for crying out loud - no dental work should require headgear.
Some of you parents out there do something unspeakable. You force your children to go to school while wearing one of these abominations. You should be ashamed of yourself! And if you think it’s a good investment for your child’s future - for having that perfect smile - think again.
Do you have any idea how much therapy the kid is gonna need after he survives (if he does) the horrors of going to school with this contraption on? Do you even have a clue? Think about it.
7. Floss
I highly recommend you don’t floss unless you want those big mouth corporations getting even richer. Not to mention, it makes your gums bleed.
p.s. - please don’t think of me any differently - now that you know I once wore headgear.
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