Photo by Wonderlane
The Buddha says the definition of enlightenment is the end of all suffering.
Maybe he was right. And then again, maybe not.
I’m going to provide you with what I think enlightenment is.
Enlightenment is the refraining of going rabidly and insanely mad when you’re stuck behind a person walking so sluggishly they make turtles appear as if they should be running backs for the NFL.
You know how this scenario plays out. You’ve been there before. I’ve been there before. Heck, we’ve all been there before.
Whether you were in the supermarket attempting to reach the end of aisle 9 before the sun raises its luminous head, racing to class hoping to arrive five minutes late instead of 30, or trying to walk frantically to catch your eight o-clock flight to Papa New Guinea matters not. What’s of significance when caught behind walking slugs is that they always provide us with a test of how good our inner game really is.
Do you go absolutely bonkers when experiencing the above with slow walkers? Does being behind a snail manifesting as a human being make you want to scream like a maniac and start spitting everywhere? If so, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re not an enlightened being like I sometimes am.
Perhaps one of you out there right now is saying, “This Bamboo Forest has proven time and again to be a real jack ass.”
First of all: Never speak such nonsensical drivel in front of me ever again. Second of all, if you’re uttering such indignant falsehoods, you must be one of those slow walkers in question and therefore committing a serious sin by sympathizing with these sluggish creatures.
How very sad.
What amazes me most about slow walkers is their deceptively high level of athletic mastery. While they may only move around two yards per 30 seconds, they’re nimble little suckers.
If you’ve ever been behind one in the supermarket and tried overtaking them by going around them – you quickly realize how absolutely futile an effort this is. As soon as your trajectory moves slightly to the left they will glide effortlessly to the left like a champion athlete. You then start altering course to the right because it seems like the sensible thing to do, only to discover that as soon as you do, they’re right on point merrily gliding to the right.
Before I start cussing like an absolute mad man: How the hell is this possible?
Let’s not kid ourselves here my dear readers. Let’s accept the truth: Snail walkers are highly skilled ninjas with eyes behind their head. They sense your trajectory and will promptly meet it when they feel the slightest alteration in your movement (otherwise known as a disturbance in the force) while you trail them wanting desperately to go around them.
After much contemplation I’ve finally realized why slow walkers exist in our world. It’s not just to piss us all off and make us want to commit crimes that will assuredly land us in the pen.
No, there’s actually more to it than this.
If there were no slow walkers of the world, how would we have any hope of ever knowing if we were enlightened beings or not?
You now have me intrigued as to whether I’m a “slug” or not because I’ve never been stuck behind one. Maybe our Scottish supermarket aisles are wider? Maybe my talent for accidentally bopping folks’ bahookies with my trolley means folk move to avoid me? Maybe I’m so enlightened I only notice the zen now-ness of the bargain buys I’m putting in the trolley… Food for thought.
@ Janice: I suppose slugness can be relative. I consider myself quite a fast walker. But maybe there is a culture out there where they’d consider me a card carrying snail.
You may have the enlightenment you speak of.
Hi Bamboo Forest.
Too funny! As long as they stay in the right lane and signal before moving left, I’m okay. But yes, I am often “disturbed” by this. A signal to me personally that I need to slow down. I think slowing down would cause less angry episodes in us all.
@ Davina: Hah. It can be very annoying when stuck behind a slow walker. That being said… I’m a firm believer that it is wise to maintain inner peace when this happens.
I think you’re right about slowing down. They do say patience is a virtue.
Funny post!!!– Enjoyed it-I know you are not totally serious- so I can just enjoy the humor of your clever words!!
I’m much better at handling slow walkers ever since I became a mom. Small kids are slow walkers by definition.
BF…
Yes, overcoming slow-walker-induced rage is actually the 2nd level of enlightenment as proffered by the Buddha himself. It comes just after “stop yelling at the coffee pot for burning your brew in its feeble attempt to keep it hot for more than 4 & 1/2 minutes”, and just before “recognize that your dog’s in ability to pee on a freezing cold morning while you stand there, shivering and cursing, staring at him all the while, is no reason to lose your temper’.
Will you be posting on these (and other) levels of enlightenment soon? Frankly, I’m cool with slow walkers (and drivers, for that matter), but my man, I need some SERIOUS help on these others.
Delightful post – made me LOL! Who hasn’t been there? I look forward to reading more.
@ Patti: Enjoyment is what the P.I. Universe is all about.
@ Vered: Having children can apparently make one a better person.
@ Jeb: Ah yes, those too are tests for whether a person is enlightened. You make a good point. Maybe I should have a whole series on how to know if you’re enlightened or not. I’ll think it over.
Yes, we all need help.
@ Maureen: Welcome to the P.I. Universe. Glad you laughed, they say it’s good medicine. Yes, you’re right, we’ve all been there.
Hi Bamboo: I’m afraid I’m not very enlightened according to your definition. Slow walkers–snails manifesting as people as you put it–drive me bonkers. And I agree that it’s almost impossible to overtake them.
@ Marelisa: hah. They can drive me bonkers too. I gotta be honest. However – I’m getting better.
Yeah, very rarely will you overtake a slow walker. It happens, just not very often.
I’ve always been a fast-walker and Mr. M takes after me. So, no, I’m not enlightened most of the time. And yes, the agility of the turtles, magically enlightened as to which path I’m going to next take, is maddening.
@ The Lawyer Mom: It can be maddening.
But what I try to remind myself is that I’m sure I do things consciously or unconsciously that others could also interpret as maddening.