How Would You Redesign the Interior of the White House?

Illustration by ~elodiejones

What do you know about the White House other than it being white?

Yeah, me neither…

Did you know there’s a staff position called, “Minister of Design”? This little known occupation is in charge of making interior changes.

I must admit, much of my motivation for writing this post is because I know many of McCain and Obama’s people are reading… Though I’d like to believe I was writing this exclusively for your reading pleasure, it would not be entirely accurate. By the time this post goes live, there is significant probability I will be expeditiously made Minister of Design.

My changes would revolutionize the White House.

Changes I plan on instituting:

1. Install a Jacuzzi on The Roof

There’s no better way to spend an evening after a long day of work than immersed in blankets of hot, watery bliss atop the White House beneath millions of sparkles.

2. Zen Garden

Being the White House is a whopping 55,000 square feet; it’s hardly asking too much for a beautiful Zen Garden to be situated at its center. There would be beautiful foliage and flowers scattered throughout, not to mention a family of maple trees. Let’s not forget a little pond where koi fish happily swim.

Because all of this is in a court yard, it would not be shielded from the sun, moon, rain, snow, nor the clouds that glide through the air giving us all a show. Every morning I will engage my meditation practice here.

3. Slide

This is the White House we’re talking about; you mean to tell me they don’t have a slide? Psh… Bamboo Forest will bring change to this old rickety place.

Maybe you’ve just finished your early evening Jacuzzi session and need to make your way down to the 1st floor. No need to dry off, we’re traveling those 6 stories in a manner that will make the U.S. leader the envy of every Nation.

There will be a slide that spirals down in full view of employees and visitors. What could possibly be more delightful for the White House staff than seeing a half naked man swirling downward like a rocket through each floor, hooting like he’s 12 and in summer camp.

4. Tea Room

No reasonable person can claim the White House is complete without a tea room. This would be made in the tradition of an old Chinese tea house, large wooden tables and exotic birds hanging from the ceiling housed in cages. Not to mention, pounds and pounds of the finest tea on earth. I would spend many hours here.

5. Animal Sanctuary

Every leader needs an animal sanctuary. This room will be filled with legions of dogs. What a wonderful ego boost to open the door and receive standing ovations as the whole place thunders with an orchestra of barks. What follows is mobs of dogs racing at you, all competing to express their slobbery love. Being immersed in such an atmosphere would warm the heart of any sane person.

6. Asian Food Court

The President works hard and needs proper nutrition. Not a way in the world I’m letting this key aspect of the White House have an oversight – not on my watch.

There would be four kitchens run by some of the finest chefs in the world cooking up the following cuisines: Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Thai.

For crying out loud Bamboo Forest, do you realize you’re turning the White House into an Asian House?!!

Silencio!!! Silencio I say!!!!!!

When you’re made Minister of Design, as I will be, then you can call the shots. Until then, sit back and watch the Master…

7. Slip and Slide

Not a bowling alley; try a 300 yard long slip and slide. It would travel down a slight incline for speed, descending to a depth of 2,000 feet.

To maintain optimum slide – sprinklers will intermittingly be installed to the roof spraying a constant flow of warm water. Further, it will be completely dark, except for a few lights that shine onto hanging disco balls separated every 20 feet. Essentially you would be sliding at high speeds, through a narrow hallway, with kaleidoscopes of light everywhere. Techno music is optional.

My changes to the White House could not come at a better time. And if the President finds himself too busy to enjoy the fine accouterments I will institute, I will ensure everything gets well utilized and stays warm – for when he’s ready.

I got my work cut out for me. Happily.

Brought to you by Day 4 of Halloweelection