Why I’m Permanently Retreating to The Forest and You Should Too « Pun Intended
Written by Bamboo Forest


Photo by CoreBurn

Bamboo Forest here. What I’m about to share with you isn’t uplifting, nor happy, and will depress you.

Now that I’ve done away with 89% of my weak minded readers, let’s dive in.

Have you seen the f%#king news lately? For crying out loud: We all know the world’s about to end (someone had to say it).

Some of us act oblivious to the impending doom of our planet.

Well not me! I wear it on my sleeve, kid. The purple elephant is a little too large to ignore these days, and quite frankly, has body odor Saddam Hussein would have bottled, stock piled and unloaded on the Kuwaiti’s had he gotten the chance.

I know damn-well the world is on its last leg and has at most a decade left. But more likely around two, maybe three years.

If you haven’t been following the news lately, allow me to ruin your day:

Impending War

When Kim Jong Il isn’t busy selling nuclear secrets to rogue nations, he’s busy blowing up South Korean battle ships. Don’t even get me started on Iran.

Earthquakes

First Haiti, then Chili. Who’s next? I live on a major fault line kid, and my days are numbered. Or, should I say, were numbered, because I’m retreating to the Amazon to live with the natives. No, no, no… When the rest of the world is dying off because of nuclear detonations, natural disasters, pestilence and war: I’ll be in the f%#king Amazon living out my boyhood dream sucking down coconut milk in the mid-afternoon shade. Son.

Volcanoes

Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull  (say that three times fast) volcano has been sending ash into the atmosphere for weeks. But this, my friends, is only the beginning. Hint: The Amazon has no volcanoes.

2012 Shit

What’s up with the sink hole in Guatemala? Are you trying to tell me this isn’t a CGI still shot from the 2012 movie that I never saw. Com’ on brother, don’t play me like this!

Oil Spills

We’re now in our 6th week of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico like a case of diarrhea that’s determined to stain your undies. Get your seafood while you can, child, because in about six months, all the fish of the world’s oceans will be dead and you know what that means:

NO MORE SUSHI

And you wonder why I’m leaving the world to retreat to the jungle? I haven’t gone mad; actually, I think it’s YOU who’s waiting to die who has gone mad. I’ll be alright because I’ll be in the Amazon with a tribe who has never been contacted (yet) while you live your days in fear of war, earthquakes, volcanoes, 2012 shit, oil spills, pestilence and myriads of other scary things (sucks to be you).

In the next post… I’ll explain to you how I decided to leave for the jungle (Yes, I’m actually going to do it). I haven’t left yet. But I am absolutely resolved to do so.

While I guarantee a second post, I do not guarantee a third. I don’t know yet if I can figure out a way to have internet connection deep in the Amazon.

Stay tuned…


Photo by icelight

4 Responses to “Why I’m Permanently Retreating to The Forest and You Should Too”
  1. Jeb says:

    Word. I was thinking the Alaskan bush, though as much to keep my children from being spoilt by this world as those you mention above. Been nice knowing you BF.

  2. @ Jeb: Nice knowing you too, Jeb. I’ll be cool. The Amazon will be good to me.

  3. Cath says:

    A nice post indeed. People haven’t been aware too much of these all.

  4. Fenix says:

    And now here we are, a year later…on top of the oil that was spilled into the gulf, there was a major earthquake in Japan resulting in millions of tons of nuclear waste being dumped into the oceans – meanwhile, the oil is still not cleaned up in the gulf. You also forgot to add to the list the shortage of oil, water & food which is impending due to our unstoppable growth rate, the genetic testing and manipulation being done world wide (which by the way is going to create a WORSE zombie appocolypse than we could ever imagine)…the list goes on and on…I’m totally with you on moving to the forrest homie, but I got people I’m destined to protect up here in the northwest, so…i’m running…that way when the zombies do come, I can outrun them! (yes I would totally trip anyone around me as a distraction to the zombies so that I could get away) :D

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