Entering Barnes & Noble I smiled at the security guard.
I took the escalator to the 2nd floor to sample a few self-help books hoping to spark an idea for a mind-blowing inspiration piece for PI.
After about 15 minutes of sampling some books, I got this strange feeling someone was watching me. Just as I turned around, I saw the security guard walking toward Starbucks.
I tried not to think much of it, but something wasn’t right. What were the chances that the moment I looked behind me, the security guard’s in sight? I tried dismissing it as coincidence.
Later, I went to the fountain to get a sip of water and after I was done, I turned around only to see the security guard grinning at me.
This is when I felt as if my guts no longer wanted to be a part of my body and had certainty that the guy had been following me throughout the store since I entered.
“Go ahead, pat me down, DO IT,” I said to him with indignation. “Because I didn’t steal a damn thing!”
“Huh … ? Sir, please calm down. No one is accusing you of stealing anything.”
I figured that’s probably what he’s trained to say when he suspects someone’s stealing things. This angered me so much I sprung my arms forward with the speed of Bruce Lee and slapped both his cheeks with both my hands simultaneously. The sound it made was hauntingly loud and an employee must have saw it because some lady screamed, “Someone call the cops!”
In my head flashed the memory of how the Brazilian government jailed me for two weeks for forcing them to search for me in the Amazon without first filing for a permit prior to “exploring the jungle.” Oh, and the money I owe the Brazilian government from that rescue operation? It’s sickening.
I sprinted away from the security guard after double slapping him until I reached the end of the 2nd floor where there was a ledge.
One jail experience was enough for me and I preferred death over going back to the cage.
I instinctively propped myself up onto the ledge to sow my revenge against the security guard who wouldn’t let me peacefully peruse the store for crying out loud.
The asshole started this whole thing; all I wanted to do was have a nice evening looking through books. But he took it upon himself to follow me everywhere I went like my name was Wynona Rider.
He was coming my way while I was standing on the wide ledge overlooking the 1st floor.
“Now look you son of a bitch,” I said to him. “I’m gonna jump and once I’m done, after your shift you can go home and flip on the 11 clock news and watch for the second time what happened to me. But just know this before I do… it was you who made me do it. Enjoy living with that guilt for the rest of your life, I said panting because adrenaline was pulsating through my body like I just ran into the end zone to win the high school football championship.
“Sir I didn’t do anything,” the security guard pleaded.
“Nothing?! Nothing?! You were following me every last damn place I went in this store like I’m some kind of thief. For f*cking sake, I just wanted to flip through a few books, was that too much to ask?!”
After saying that I thought it would relieve me of my anger, but it did just the opposite. The continued sight of the security guard dressed in a black blazer and red tie made me want to vomit, so I stared into his eyes and then leaped into the air and did a 360, falling back down onto the ledge like I belonged in a circus. As I did this, all the spectators gasped, some even screamed like they just saw a poltergeist.
So what if I jumped to my death you stupid spectators; you obviously never spent a day of your life in the big house, I thought to myself. Well, I’ve spent two weeks! And those Brazilian pens are satanic.
Finally, the fuzz arrived and tried to sweet talk me into not jumping to my death.
“It’s not worth it, you don’t have to jump… think of your future.”
“Do you know who I am” I asked impatiently.
“No, but please… tell us about yourself.”
Suddenly I jumped up again and jolted my legs down as hard as I could making a violent sound that seemed to penetrate everyone in the store and said, “I’m Bamboo Forest and I’m the heavy weight blogger of the world!”
I continued…
“Look, the only way I’ll agree to not taking the plunge is that after you arrest me you ensure a link to my blog is mentioned in the local newspaper and that the local TV news also mentions my blog. Do that and I’ll calmly step down. Don’t and I’ll jump, no problem.”
The fuzz responds, “Yes, whatever you want, just please don’t jump… it’s not worth it and we can absolutely assure you that you’ll get your link in the newspaper and mentioned on the local news. You have my word.”
I calmly got down, putting both my arms out to invite the fuzz to cuff me and hall me in.
Sometimes I feel life’s not worth living. But by remembering PI and its greatness, I’ve avoided many, many attempts at suicide.
This one just happens to be public.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia