Illustration by ~PamelaKaye
Some of you lovelies (our readership) may be thinking right about now, that we’ve just sold ourselves to Lucifer himself. Maybe we did and then again… maybe we didn’t. But for the love of all that is good in the world — would someone please tell Frodo to stop crying?!
Ever since the new layout went up he’s been shedding tears like a toddler and its been driving me and my brother absolutely bonkers.
Sorry Frodo Baggins… We want to make money too. Get over it.
What are we going to offer you now that we’ve fixed this place up? Only the finest entertainment and wisdom in all of the World Wide Web. Were you expecting anything less from the Institution of PI? We kinda have a rep to uphold, and we’re kinda a big deal.
Oh… and just in case you thought it was impossible, well… it’s not. We’re indeed going to be more crazy, more insane, not to mention more disturbing than ever before. Why? Because that’s the way we like it. That’s why. Besides, you already knew we were nuts, didn’t you? I mean you did, right?
In the event you didn’t know (WTF?)… we sure did hide it well. The hiding phase is now over, however. The true Bamboo Forest and Flying LlamaFish are going to shine through. And you’re going to like it.
Oh… and one more thing, in case the news hasn’t yet spread all across the interweb. We’ve signed a treaty with Lord Vader. Sorry guys. But really, who cares? All that really matters is we write for PI, wouldn’t you agree? The affiliates we align with mean very little.
And it’s not like we beckoned for him or anything. Actually… me and Flying LlamaFish were watching the Power Puff Girls at 3 A.M. when suddenly the TV went black… every light in the apartment went out… And when I looked out the window to try and get my bearings, I couldn’t see the street nor a single headlight (which never happens on this busy highway). All I could see was endless blackness, like a universe with no stars.
The whole thing’s creepy, more appropriate for an Unsolved Mysteries episode with Robert Stack’s Poltergeist voice preventing you from sleeping for weeks, rather than a post here on PI… That said… I’d be lying if I told you our exchange with Lord Vader hasn’t changed my and my brother’s sensibilities. We’ve kinda altered our outlook on PI and the direction it’s going in.
Before any of you get your undies in a bunch… look at it from our end. We’ve been busting our tails day after day, planting seeds all across the blogosphere. Diligently we’d water those seeds, we’d rake the soil and when it was cloudy out, we’d take 600 watt lamps out and beam rays of light over the seedlings we so lovingly tended to. Day after day we’d partake in this practice and yet… not a single seed ever broke soil. Not even once.
It’s time to do things a little differently around here with a little help from an unsuspecting source…
So right about now, me and my bro are completely obsessed with the growth of PI and not much else. We’ve been losing weight like someone who’s so enmeshed in thinking about their crush they practically stop eating. We may be on the skinny side right about now — but we’re pretty damn focused. The reality is… We’d sell our souls to the highest bidder just to get a few extra hits. We’re not messing around.
Anyways…
These are the last words Lord Vader shared with us before leaping out the window.
“I will make you and Flying LlamaFish more powerful than you could ever possibly imagine. I will turn you and PI into an absolute Empire.
The dark side has its advantages. Powers that Hani will not share with you… but I will.
He’s hidden many secrets from you. His blind, dogmatic faithfulness to all that is good in the world is the very cancer that has prevented you from gaining the subscribers you know you deserve.
He believes it’s unnatural and immoral to use the techniques I will show you. His beliefs have led to nothing but disappointment, and you know it. Let’s face it… He has led you astray. It has always been results you were after, anyways… I will show you the way that knows no barriers. In the coming weeks, you will witness PI grow wildly, and influence the entire world… in ways you and the whole planet couldn’t possibly begin to fathom…“
I’ll be hanging out here. The dark side needs enlightened souls such as myself to shine a spotlight on it
Happy Relaunch.
My worst fears have been realized. Your ego has inflated into unmanageable proportions.
@ Hani: Pipe down, Hani! Don’t get me wrong, you’re the one who gave me this blogging opportunity to begin with. But when you have an Australian named Darren Rowse with more subscribers than you — you know there needs to be a change in the program.
It’s on my friends, it is on :*)
@ Davina: The dark side has been the missing ingredient, the very reason that Darren Rowse still has more subscribers than we do. This is no small matter. Times are changing.
Lord Vader told me he wouldn’t kill any subscribers and that he would turn us into a great and powerful blog.
I’m sorry… but that’s a deal I can’t turn down. And I didn’t.
Shine your light if you will… but the dark side can’t ever become completely illuminated.
[...] This post was Twitted by ryandscott [...]
The moon shall be ours.