Photo by s_w_ellis

So many things have transpired since my last blog post. The adventures I’ve been on will shock and delight you.

Between being a contributing author for Daily Blog Tips, going in and out of court, and doing my required community service, I’ve simply lacked time lately.

And to be honest, sometimes I don’t feel my writing ability can adequately convey the happenings of my life (yes I’m fishing for compliments; leave them in the comment section).

It recently hit me that just because I can’t write stories like Stephen King or Sol Stein doesn’t mean I should let my life experiences collect dust in Google docs not being seen by anyone, except maybe for the government that spies on me.

It’s time to dust those puppies off, polish them off, and share them with the world.

The most recent “incident” that happened to me was on Valentine’s Day (which is why I’ve been in court and busy doing community service).

After this incident some people have called me a pervert. Some have even been so brazen to call me insane when we all know I only plead insanity when I believe I can get a better sentence from it.

You’re my loyal readers and I know with certainty that no matter what I tell you, you’ll support me, won’t judge me, and definitely won’t consider me a pervert, Heaven forbid.

Since I trust you, my dear readers, and know with certainty that you got my back, I’m going to share with you what happen to me on Valentines, this Tuesday.

You probably don’t want to miss it.

Your lover,

Bamboo Forest

Photo by ilovemypit

Ever since me and my brother started our new site, Spicy Tornado, and I’ve been drawing illustrations for it, I’ve kind of lost sight of writing copy.

To be perfectly honest, drafting blog posts is a royal pain in the butt. Anyone who runs a blog can attest to this.

But then one day, out of left field, I received an email from Daniel Scocco of DailyBlogTips, asking me if I wanted to write a weekly post for his blog since he’s currently swamped with other projects.

Reading his offer I was filled with euphoria like a light bulb that’s been off for years and then spontaneously turns on and emits light throughout the universe.

Like the goof ball that I am, I replied to his email with “YES!” in size 80 font and then ran out the door skipping and jumping like a 5 year old who’s just been told by his parents he’s going on a 2 week vacation to Disney Land.

I skipped all the way to the local Whole Foods, and because of my euphoric mood, I started skipping down each aisles singing “We will, we will, rock you! “ while everyone looked at me like I was on drugs, which of course I was, but my drug of choice is called LIFE.

I was in such a state of ecstasy that I was oblivious to the world until a security guard approached me and told me that I can’t “run” in the store. Apparently this doofus doesn’t know the difference between skipping and running. What an ass.

I happen to be standing near a sampling of cheeses when he approached, and so I ignored him for a few moments, took the prongs, and started piling tons of cheese into my hand and then shoved the pile in my mouth…  I looked back at the security guard while chewing a baseball size pile of cheese and said “Yes sensei.” I then left this place that apparently has no love for the great opportunity I had just been given!

Just goes to show you, haters are everywhere.

As you probably know, DailyBlogTips is one of the biggest blogs in the world weighing in at 53,000 subscribers.

So getting this opportunity to do a weekly post for this blog has really reignited my excitement for writing copy… which is why I’m writing for Pun Intended again even though I’ve never made a bloody cent from it.

I’ve already written four posts for Daniel since he’s given me this great opportunity. But for old time’s sake, I’ll give a link below of every guest post I’ve ever written for Daniel of DailyBlogTips.

Bamboo Forest is back in action. Can you say awesome?

Bamboo Forest hitting the mic on DailyBlogTips (Booya Baby!)

How to Instantly Kill Laziness and Boost Blogging Productivity

5 Reasons Online Collaborations Can Help You Beat Out The Competition

6 Blogging Mistakes You Might Not Have Considered

3 Ways to Make Your Writing Clearer and More Engaging

6 Ways to be Kind to Your Readers

3 Crucial Elements of Well-Written Blog Posts

Photo by klwatts

Photo by twodolla

I take a toothpick at the end of a good meal like the best of ‘em. That, however, doesn’t demonstrate they have any use. Far from it.

Did you know that every restaurant on planet earth has toothpicks by the exit door? Did you also know that roughly 33% of all patrons take one, and the vast majority of those that do have no idea why they do?

It’s true.

While I’m not going to get into the whole conspiracy hub bub of the existence of toothpicks and the shadow governments behind their creation, I will point out that this is how the Illuminati funds much of their evil activities.

It’s pretty brilliant when you think about it. They’ve propped up a false necessity within world society for sharp wooden sticks at the end of a meal, and restaurants everywhere buy them by the boat loads.

Toothpicks are housed in one of three ways:

• They’re plastic wrapped sitting in a square little box.
• When the establishment wants to get cute, they’ll have this contraption thingy-ma-jig that dispenses the toothpick by turning a round little nob.
• Other times you’ll have a jar with naked toothpicks. Definitely not hygienic; think of all the hands that have preceded yours in picking out a pick

Really, what the hell are toothpicks for? Once I was in a restaurant when a little boy stabbed his sister with one. If you can harm another human being with one of those things, why the hell would you stick it in your mouth? What gives? Is there something I’m missing?

And yet, acknowledging this, I still take the dastardly thing at the end of every meal and shove it in my mouth.

Often, I’ll put one in my mouth while fishing for another, placing it in my ear crevice to save for later. Why? Because I act like a real jack ass sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you should. It also doesn’t mean there’s any real purpose for toothpicks.

1. Hosting Thanksgiving sucks turkey testicles

Question: What could be better than having loved ones visit for a joyous meal?

Answer: Anything. Including, but not limited to, rubbing a cheese grater against your cheeks.

Hosting Turkey Day requires you slave away for 48+ hours to prepare a meal that’s inhaled in less than 45 minutes. And as far as spending quality time with your loved ones, you won’t. While they watch football, you’ll frantically struggle to keep your 18 dishes from burning down the house.

Once the feast ends, you’ll spend what’s left of your evening cleaning around the passed out, bloated bodies that line your floor.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention… you’re required to stick your hand up a turkey’s ass.

2. It triggers the onslaught of Christmas

Photo by s.ovett

Turkey Day represents the official beginning of the holiday season. Which means you’ll be forced to hear the same four Christmas songs on a continuous loop for six weeks. Which means you’ll contemplate suicide on Christmas Eve. Which means you’ll deal with your despair by lacing Santa’s cookies with laxatives.

3. The fake story of the first Thanksgiving

There’s nothing quite like celebrating past misdeeds with a fake feel-good story and a 12,000-calorie meal.

But seriously kids, the Pilgrims adored the Natives.

4. The beginning of nasty, frigid weather

Photo by al camardella

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, it’s time to trade in the flip flops for frost bite.

5. Thanksgiving travel is hell

Photo by Cajun Metal

You know what sounds like a terrible idea? Traveling long distances to eat one meal with relatives you’d normally never go out of your way to see.

You know what sounds even worse? Doing it during the busiest travel time of the year.

If you’re flying to grandmother’s house, you can look forward to excruciating lines that only end once a TSA screener has put his hands down your pants to ensure you aren’t packing a grenade in your tighty-whities.

Or if getting groped isn’t your thing, you can opt for the body-scanning machine that takes nude photos of you while exposing you to a bounty of carcinogens that’ll kill you in 15-20 years.

6. Black Friday

Photo by t3rmin4t0rl

Honestly, I’d rather stick my arm up a turkey’s booty than wake up at 4 am to fight off barbarians for the last $3 toaster oven.

Unless you yearn for a fate similar to that of Mufasa, stay the hell away from the stampede that is Black Friday.

7. No presents. No costumes. No candy.

Instead we get this useless thingy:

Bamboo Forest may not be right in the head.

Bamboo Forest may suffer from delusions of grandeur.

But, if you’re willing to take a leap of faith, Bamboo Forest may just be the man to make all your wildest Twitter dreams come true.

And in case you need proof that he’ll make your soul sing, here are a few of Bamboo Forest’s most classic tweets:

Please do the right thing and follow the self proclaimed “heavy weight blogger of the world.”

Me and my brother want this blog to grow so bad we can taste it.

Didn’t you have dreams and aspirations when you were a young tike?

You know… before you were told society’s rule that you must work a job you hate with every ounce of your existence only to retire at 65 a miserable person and die of a heart attack a few years later.

You know what I’m talking about you silly creatures!

If you’re on that road, then I’m REALLY sorry

But there’s still hope for me and my bro. And doesn’t that mean something to you? Don’t you want to spare us from a fate that’ll make the PI Universe die a painful death only to become a fossil of a once enormous dinosaur with cajones the size of a pair of P.I. blimps?

We yearn to make a living typing and having our words appear a few days a week on people’s computer monitors just like what Darren Rowse, Brian Clark and the dude from Guam spend their days doing and getting paid shit loads for (booya baby!).

No doubt blogging for dinero is a dream job. Any job you can do sitting in your Hello Kitty underwear is a job I’ll pay any price to get (Yes, I will chop off random people’s pony tails at a movie theatre to get this job, but that’s another story for another time).

If you enjoy reading this blog, you’ll do us the favor we’re about to ask you and help us not only keep this Universe thriving and spreading cheer to the world, but you’ll also help us print Benjamins.

It’s a win/win situation for all of us!

How You Can Help the PI Universe Get There

Truth is, we’re not going to ask for tweets, Facebook shares, or stumbles.

That’s the kind of crap mainstream websites ask for.

That’s child’s play.

This is Pun Intended.

We like taking shortcuts and making the most of our efforts which is precisely why we’re asking you to apply face paint to your face prior to reading every new post published on Pun Intended.

It’s really not much to ask and when you’re done reading a post you can simply wash it off with water and soap, easy peasy.

You can purchase your face paint at this store, or you can simply purchase it at any party favor store. It’s not expensive and will really help us grow.

Just paint half your face white and the other half blue and make sure that the blue side of your face has the letters P.I. painted in white.

If you do us this one little favor and paint your face prior to reading our newly published posts, I predict our blog will spread like wildfire, which is kinda the point.

Face paint just for college basketball and football games?

I don’t think so.

It’s now a big part of the reading culture of Pun Intended.

And that simply rocks.

1. In Iowa, men with moustaches are prohibited from kissing women in public.

On behalf of Burt Reynolds and his blood brother, Tom Selleck, I’m both outraged and flabbergasted.

2. In Atlanta, Georgia, it’s illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

Way to encourage your citizens to misplace their giraffes, Atlanta legislature.

3. In Florida, it’s illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.

Your anus doesn’t give a crap what day it is.

4. In West Virginia, it’s illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays.

Leave it to the boneheaded lawmakers of West Virginia to keep our hands busy on what should be a day of rest.

5. In Newport, Virginia, it’s against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

I think I speak for all red-blooded males when I say, What’chu talkin‘ ‘bout, Virginia?

6. In Springfield, Illinois, “dwarf-tossing” is outlawed.

The pursuit of happiness my ass.

7. In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man proposes to a woman, he must be “inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman’s family’s property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.”

This one actually makes a lot of sense.

Laws courtesy of bored.com

Illustration by neo02yavizim

Editor’s Note: You must sing the bold italicized words with enthusiasm. Everything else may be read calmly.

Begin:

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve manufactured my undergarments which give me victory over going commando.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For without you the PI Universe wouldn’t exist; you’ve manufactured all our computer hardware!

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve manufactured the shoes on my feet with the world’s greatest tagline ‘just do it’.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve created and continue to create breath taking women (Bamboo Forest = has yellow fever)

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve prevented me from developing ass rashes that would make sitting painful by manufacturing sanitary seat covers that populate high class public restrooms everywhere.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you manufacture over 90% of everything I purchase in the U.S. and it feels downright blissful to buy your stuff (Love you Walmart, Love you Tarjay).

We love you China!
We love you China!

For my land is indebted to you. How else would I buy cheap goods without you and your endless sweat shops employed by pre-teens working 18 hour days (booya baby!)

Let’s not forget…

For you are our daddy and your Yuan will soon exceed the USD.
Now, spank me daddy, for I’ve been a very bad boy!

Also check out:

7 Reasons All Must Hail Aunt Jamima!

A few weeks ago, Bamboo Forest and I launched Wealthy Walrus, a website that asks you whether or not you’d take on a variety of challenges for millions of dollars.

Some of these challenges are somewhat reasonable. Most are downright insane. And the rest, well they’re simply disturbing.

The challenges presented on Wealthy Walrus are designed to be entertaining and thought provoking, but it turns out they provide us with some serious social commentary as well. And as the headline so subtly states, humanity is downright deranged.

I could babble on and on about the effect money has on the human psyche, but I’d prefer to let the results speak (mostly) for themselves.

Would you completely abandon your current life and everyone you’ve ever known for money? Well, if you’re anything like 77% of respondents you’d do it in a flash.

WOW. It’s good to know most of us would forgo life’s greatest miracle for some quick cash.  I don’t know about you, but I thank Baby Buddha each and every day that my parents never ran into the Wealthy Walrus prior to my conception.

The time traveling I can almost fathom, but how could the majority of us be willing to completely mess with the human race for a few million bucks? You’ve really let me down this time, society. Thanks to the Wealthy Walrus, I’ve finally realized that I live among devilish monsters, and it makes me ill.

You may be thinking to yourself, “But, Flying LlamaFish, didn’t you once write about the advantages of cloning yourself? Well… yes I did, but then again, I’ve never written a word on this blog without the aid of hallucinogens.

Photo by Lance Shields

Listen up you son of a bitches because today’s a sad day.

Ever since I apologized to Darren Rowse for falsely accusing him of blacklisting me from guest posting on his blog, things have been spiraling out of control. And increasing the dosage of my meds doesn’t seem to help either.

::: Demon Taking Over PI Transmission :::

Didn’t you do a guest post for ProBlogger back in December of 2008? You did. Those reading this, click this link.

How could Darren Rowse blacklist Bamboo Forest when he already had a guest post published on his blog way back in 2008?

This Bamboo is a real nut case.

::: Demon Transmission Ends :::

You son of a bitch! I hate when demons take over the PI transmission. No one was supposed to know about that guest post!

Yes, yes and f&cking yes, I did a guest post in 2008 for Mr. Rowse.

But com’ on. Being put on a blacklist could take effect at ANY MOMENT.

But like it matters now. I already conceded that Mr. Rowse never blacklisted me.

LEAVE ME ALONE DEMONS!

The Real Reason Bamboo Writes for the Pun Intended Universe

Today’s a sad day because I have a terrible confession to reveal to all of you.

For a long time I thought I wrote for the joy of writing. But one afternoon while sipping a cold lemonada while sitting under a shady tree I had a dark epiphany about my true nature.

I write for love! I write for attention! I write so I have groupies (hello Yuki, Suki and Yun)!

I do not, however, write because I love it. I write because I’m lonely and want people to respect and love me.

I realize that sounds pathetic, but I’m only being honest with you all.

So many bloggers harp on how important it is to share ourselves with our audience and to talk about our personal experiences in life. And I’ve gotten a few emails from fans and haters who’ve said they wanted to know more about my personal life since I don’t often do that; it’s not my style.

Well, I’m following the advice of all the bloggers who blog on blogging… I’m sharing with you the real me, for the entire world to see.

I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry you all had the illusion that I write because I love it. That I write because it’s a creative need I must pour into the world. And that I write for any other reason than wanting people to like me.

If you thought any of the above was true, you couldn’t be more wrong.

I write so that people like me, period.

What My Personal-Development Colleagues Would Say

But you know what many of my personal-development colleagues would tell me about my confession? Do you?!

They’d say:

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” ~Andre Gide

Well… To hell with all you who don’t respect my reason for writing!!! I write for the reason I deem fit. And I’m not changing for any S.O.B.! Not even for you, Martha Stewart. And I will not under any circumstance attempt to write for reasons other than what moves me.

I will continue to write for the life of this blog for the sole reason that I want people to like me. I have no intention to change that

Hopefully I’ll continue to write kick-ass posts so that my objective is fulfilled, and you all already know that I’m the heavy weight blogger of the world.

Encourage me to keep writing, would ya?

In the comment section tell me you respect and love me for my writing If I can get 10 comments it would mean the world to me!

It will make me feel loved!

P.S. - No haters please. I’m not stable and my new medication isn’t working