After six consecutive days of producing Halloween bliss, it’s time for Pun Intended to stop writing about All Hallow’s Eve, and time for us to swallow souls and eat small children.

In case you missed Halloweek, or simply wish to revisit some of the magic, here’s the rundown:

8 Most Vomit Inducing Halloween “Treats”

7 Scariest Towns to Trick-or-Treat

Make This Halloween a Ghost Dad Halloween

7 Most Glorious Halloween Costumes

7 Reasons Halloween is Superior to Christmas

Pun Intended Presents: Halloweek

P.S. Bamboo Forest and I rarely swallow the souls of our readers. If we do it’s nothing personal, and most likely accidental.

1. Halloween is a holiday for absolutely everyone. If there’s one thing your Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Atheist friends can all agree on, it’s that candy is awesome.

2. If you dress up like Satan on Halloween, you’ll receive massive amounts of candy. If you try that on Christmas, you’ll be exorcised.

3. At Christmas time you’re obligated to spend your hard-earned money buying everyone presents they’ll never use. On Halloween you’re merely required to overindulge on fun.

4. On All Hallow’s Eve, you’ll face no peer pressure to awkwardly bring a tree inside your home.

5. Christmas requires you to wake up before the birds chirp. On Halloween, however, it’s perfectly acceptable to roll out of bed at 6pm.

6. Halloween doesn’t require you to endure six weeks of wretched “music.”

7. No matter how crazy things get, no overweight pedophile will sneak through your chimney in the wee hours of the night.

photograph by Neeta Lind’s

Happy Halloweek, everyone!

It is my hope that no ghost or goblin inhabits your soul in the coming days. But even more importantly, may none of you be subjected to any of the following “treats.”

1. Candy Corn

Candy corn is synonymous with Halloween. It’s also synonymous with projectile vomit.

2. Raisins

If you must give out what looks like a collection of shriveled up insect carcasses, at least have the decency to make sure they’re covered in chocolate.

3. Toothbrushes

Listen kids, I give you full permission to trick the hell out of anyone that dares promote good hygiene on what should be the most gingivitis-friendly day of the year.

And if your night ends in the back of a police vehicle, tell them Flying LlamaFish sent you.

4. Pickle-Flavored Popsicles.

You might as well throw the eggs at your own home if you’re gonna pass out vegetables masquerading as a dessert.

5. Pennies

Photo by r-z

Throwing a few spare coins into a candy-filled sack is a crime against Halloween. And yes, consuming copper will cause you to lose your lunch.

6. Circus Peanuts

Look at circus peanut. Vomit. Repeat.

7. Empty Cauldron With No Candy Left

Come on, lazy pants. You know some snot-nosed bully is gonna take every last morsel of candy before the sun even goes down. Quit pretending like you’re out of town, turn on your porch light, and give the tykes some treats.

8. Razor blade filled apples

I don’t know about you, but it really burns my bacon when I bite into a newly acquired apple and blood gushes all over my costume.

Once every decade (or so) a movie comes along that forever influences the art of film.

Let me provide you with some examples:

1. 1930s: Gone With The Wind
2. 1940s: Citizen Kane
3. 1960s: 2001: A Space Odyssey
4. 1970s: Star Wars

Well, the 90s eventually came around and Bill Cosby didn’t waste any time. The quintessential movie of the decade was released in the summer of 1990. The film I’m referring to, is of course, Ghost Dad.

The premise is the stuff of legend: In a nutshell, Mr. Cosby’s character dies and comes back as a ghost. Not even death can keep him from taking care of his three children.

I know what you’re thinking: Ghost Dad sounds amazing, but how can it enhance my Halloween experience?

Well, I’ll tell you how. Simply follow these 4 easy steps on October 31st, and you’ll fall head first into Halloween bliss.

1. Remove the cobwebs from your VCR player and insert Ghost Dad

2. Get in your comfortable position of choice

3. Press play (the triangle-looking button)

4. Munch on some candy corn, guzzle a 64 oz. Mr. Pib, and let the good times roll

Forget Trick-or-Treating. Forget costume parties. All the Halloween you’ll ever need is packed into 83 minutes of cinematic glory.

Did I mention Ghost Cosby can float and walk through walls?

7. Two-Person Horse

This costume has been badass since Herbert Hoover was in office. Just make sure to call dibs on the front.

6. Human Spork

You too could be 50% spoon. 50% fork. 100% Awesome.

5. Matthew Lesko

This outfit is so money. Don’t you think????????????????

4. The Golden Girls

The ideal getup for four young ladies eager to show off their wild sides.

3. Kangaroo with baby in pouch

The perfect parent-child costume.  Don’t be afraid to rock it like Kanga and Roo.

2. Benjamin Franklin

Dress up like a true American hero. And, if you’re feeling extra adventurous, round up a few of your favorite Founding Fathers and party like it’s 1776.

1. The Hamburglar

Absolutely nothing could top dressing up like the convict voted most likely to steal hamburgers 30 years in a row.

Honorable Mentions:

- Cap’n Crunch

- Bill Nye the Science Guy

- A Chilean coal miner

Photo by D’Arcy Norman

If you truly seek a scary Halloween experience, venture into one of the following real U.S. towns this October 31st.

1. Devils Den, California

Unless you’ve got a hankering for carcinogen-wrapped treats with a lava center, you do not want to ring the devil’s doorbell.

2. Mosquitoville, Vermont

Nothing takes the magic out of Halloween like a bunch of bug-eyed bastards sucking newly acquired sugar right out of your blood.

3. Slaughter Beach, Delaware

Candy just doesn’t taste as good when you’re missing a couple limbs.

4. Deadhorse, Alaska

Good luck finding any treats in a frigid town overrun by rotting horse carcasses.

5. Lawyersville, New York

All pranksters will be sued on arrival.

6. Purgatory, Maine

This town is not for the restless candy seekers among us. You may wait a good 50 lifetimes before door-answerers decide whether to bless you with a treat.

7. Dead Woman Crossing, Wyoming

This town is home to…

All the zombie ladies. All the zombie ladies.
All the zombie ladies. All the zombie ladies.

Also check out:

Top 7 Most Bizarrely Named U.S. Towns

7 More Bizzarely Names U.S. Towns

In just a few short days, tykes will roam the streets dressed like weirdos, classy women will morph into floozies, and some of you will huddle in small closets “pretending” you ain’t home.

Before the night is through, you’ll OD on sugar-infused goodness. You’ll wake up on November 1st with seven layers of plaque on your teeth and a big fat grin. Then you’ll cry fructose tears, for you will come to the realization that it’s all over for another 364 days.

Here at Pun Intended, we live for Halloween and strongly feel it should be celebrated for more than one measly day. That’s why we’re hosting Halloweek.

I encourage you all to stick around the P.I. Universe, because we’ll be offering an extra strength dose of Halloween bliss each and every day.

And remember kids, whatever you do, don’t be Hallowack.

Sigh.

I’m only human. Remember that before you get in the comment section and berate me for being a prick.

On August 4th I did something I shouldn’t have. Something that was simply wrong.

I submitted a guest post to Darren Rowse of ProBlogger using a pseudonym. I used the pseudonym Ted Pendinun which rearranged spells Pun Intended.

Me and my brother did the above because Darren had recently rejected a slew of my guest post submissions and consequently we were convinced he blacklisted me from guest posting on his blog.

We reasoned that if I submitted a blog post to Darren using a pseudonym and it was accepted it would prove to all bloggers that Darren blacklisted me because all my prior submissions using my real name were rejected.

To get the full story of this debacle, read this post.

Darren Rowse is Innocent

Well folks, as it turns out, Darren Rowse never did blacklist me and never did have a personal vendetta against the Pun Intended Universe as I accused him!

I know this because last Tuesday I had a new post of mine published on ProBlogger!

5 Techniques to Make Your Next Post Unforgettable <– My ProBlogger Post

Truth is, Darren’s an honorable man.

Me? Well, I wish I could say the same. But I acted like a donkey’s ass. I was immature, childish.

But don’t be so harsh to judge me. Many of you would’ve done the same thing! That being, after being rejected multiple times from the biggest blog in the world on blogging, you too would have resorted to covertly submitting a guest post using a pseudonym and imbedding secret code in the byline to prove you were the author.

Don’t even try to pretend you wouldn’t!

And don’t you DARE try to tell me that I’m not well. I’m plenty well and I take my meds every night!

The Dream I Had The Night Before I Submitted The Guest Post

There’s another thing I gotta come clean on: Hani the flying whale, our mascot, visited me in a dream the night before I sent that guest post to Darren with the fake name and said:

“Bamboo, don’t do this. Darren’s a good man. Don’t be a prick.”

I was totally taken aback, as Hani has never before said anything even remotely resembling a derogatory word.

I told Hani that I appreciate the opportunity that he has given me and my brother to write for the Pun Intended Universe, but that there were certain worldly things his elevated mind would never understand. Things he needed to stay out of.

Well, that’s the scoop, fellas.

I hope Darren Rowse and his wonderful community over at ProBlogger can find it within their hearts to forgive me for the patently false accusation I made.

I also hope all my wonderful readers of the PI Universe will find it within their hearts to forgive me for what I’ve done. Because what I did was wrong. I was wrong. And I tainted the good reputation the Pun Intended Universe has built over the eons.

Over the coming weeks I’ll try my darndest to make it up to you guys with one spanking good post after the next.

In no time you’ll hear me screaming, “Who’s your daddy?!”

I hope you continue to support me, my brother and the entire PI Universe.

The Lesson This Whole Mess Teaches Bloggers

When a blog rejects your guest post don’t assume there’s a nefarious reason. Don’t be a jackass like I was.

Take ProBlogger for example. Did you know Mr. Rowse receives 20 to 30 guest post submissions every week and sometimes even more than that? And on a normal week he uses just 2 to 3. Read his comment yourself (A-Listers LOVE commenting on the PI blog).

So do me a favor, would ya?

Don’t let my mistake be in vain.  Let this be a powerful lesson to all bloggers out there: That when you have a guest post rejected, take a sip of lemonada, tighten up your boot straps and try again.

That’s all there is to it.

Well, folks, I’m putting this whole circus behind me. I hope you, my wonderful readers, can do the same.

The show must go on. The show will go on, baby.

The PI Universe truly lives.

Best,

Bamboo Forest

P.S. – We’re still selling Darren Cakes even after this whole debacle. Hey, a good idea’s a good idea. We have a limited supply, so if you want a Darren cake please contact us immediately. Thanks.

1. You can satisfy your 3 A.M. craving in style.

2. You can nonchalantly glide past the most dangerous of environments.

3. You can meet more babes per minute.

4. You can make elevators glamorous again.

5. You’ll build self esteem the segway.

6. You are untouchable.

Today is a monumental day. For the first time in history, a Walrus will pay you millions of dollars to do ridiculous things.

Wealthy Walrus <—- Our Brand New Website

Bamboo Forest and I met The Wealthy Walrus while trekking through the Tundra one autumn day. We asked him for directions, and yet the eccentric fellow went on and on about his billions of dollars. Just when we thought he’d never shut his mouth hole, he asked us the strangest question we’d ever heard.

He looked us right in the eyes and said,

“For $5 million dollars…

Would you whippersnappers have a lizard carcass permanently attached to your inner thigh?”

We couldn’t believe our ears. How demented was this guy? Who pays young men to have deceased animals attached to their thighs?

We soon learned that we weren’t dealing with any ordinary Walrus. As it turns out, he’s a former oil tycoon with way too much time and money on his tusks. Not only that, but he derives some sort of sick pleasure from making people do things they’d normally avoid at all costs.

Yeah, he’s an absolute freak. But here at Pun Intended, we salute freaks. The more demented the better. That’s why we took it upon ourselves to create a platform for the Wealthy Walrus.

It’s time to find out what you’d do for a million dollars. Check out the Wealthy Walrus!

P.S. As you can probably guess, Bamboo Forest and I are part reptile.