Pun Intended
Written by Bamboo Forest

Me and my brother want this blog to grow so bad we can taste it.

Didn’t you have dreams and aspirations when you were a young tike?

You know… before you were told society’s rule that you must work a job you hate with every ounce of your existence only to retire at 65 a miserable person and die of a heart attack a few years later.

You know what I’m talking about you silly creatures!

If you’re on that road, then I’m REALLY sorry 🙁

But there’s still hope for me and my bro. And doesn’t that mean something to you? Don’t you want to spare us from a fate that’ll make the PI Universe die a painful death only to become a fossil of a once enormous dinosaur with cajones the size of a pair of P.I. blimps?

We yearn to make a living typing and having our words appear a few days a week on people’s computer monitors just like what Darren Rowse, Brian Clark and the dude from Guam spend their days doing and getting paid shit loads for (booya baby!).

No doubt blogging for dinero is a dream job. Any job you can do sitting in your Hello Kitty underwear is a job I’ll pay any price to get (Yes, I will chop off random people’s pony tails at a movie theatre to get this job, but that’s another story for another time).

If you enjoy reading this blog, you’ll do us the favor we’re about to ask you and help us not only keep this Universe thriving and spreading cheer to the world, but you’ll also help us print Benjamins.

It’s a win/win situation for all of us!

How You Can Help the PI Universe Get There

Truth is, we’re not going to ask for tweets, Facebook shares, or stumbles.

That’s the kind of crap mainstream websites ask for.

That’s child’s play.

This is Pun Intended.

We like taking shortcuts and making the most of our efforts which is precisely why we’re asking you to apply face paint to your face prior to reading every new post published on Pun Intended.

It’s really not much to ask and when you’re done reading a post you can simply wash it off with water and soap, easy peasy.

You can purchase your face paint at this store, or you can simply purchase it at any party favor store. It’s not expensive and will really help us grow.

Just paint half your face white and the other half blue and make sure that the blue side of your face has the letters P.I. painted in white.

If you do us this one little favor and paint your face prior to reading our newly published posts, I predict our blog will spread like wildfire, which is kinda the point.

Face paint just for college basketball and football games?

I don’t think so.

It’s now a big part of the reading culture of Pun Intended.

And that simply rocks.

November 16th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

1. In Iowa, men with moustaches are prohibited from kissing women in public.

On behalf of Burt Reynolds and his blood brother, Tom Selleck, I’m both outraged and flabbergasted.

2. In Atlanta, Georgia, it’s illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

Way to encourage your citizens to misplace their giraffes, Atlanta legislature.

3. In Florida, it’s illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.

Your anus doesn’t give a crap what day it is.

4. In West Virginia, it’s illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays.

Leave it to the boneheaded lawmakers of West Virginia to keep our hands busy on what should be a day of rest.

5. In Newport, Virginia, it’s against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

I think I speak for all red-blooded males when I say, What’chu talkin‘ ‘bout, Virginia?

6. In Springfield, Illinois, “dwarf-tossing” is outlawed.

The pursuit of happiness my ass.

7. In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man proposes to a woman, he must be “inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman’s family’s property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.”

This one actually makes a lot of sense.

Laws courtesy of bored.com

November 12th, 2010
Written by Bamboo Forest


Illustration by neo02yavizim

Editor’s Note: You must sing the bold italicized words with enthusiasm. Everything else may be read calmly.

Begin:

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve manufactured my undergarments which give me victory over going commando.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For without you the PI Universe wouldn’t exist; you’ve manufactured all our computer hardware!

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve manufactured the shoes on my feet with the world’s greatest tagline ‘just do it’.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve created and continue to create breath taking women (Bamboo Forest = has yellow fever)

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you’ve prevented me from developing ass rashes that would make sitting painful by manufacturing sanitary seat covers that populate high class public restrooms everywhere.

We love you China!
We love you China!

For you manufacture over 90% of everything I purchase in the U.S. and it feels downright blissful to buy your stuff (Love you Walmart, Love you Tarjay).

We love you China!
We love you China!

For my land is indebted to you. How else would I buy cheap goods without you and your endless sweat shops employed by pre-teens working 18 hour days (booya baby!)

Let’s not forget…

For you are our daddy and your Yuan will soon exceed the USD.
Now, spank me daddy, for I’ve been a very bad boy!

Also check out:

7 Reasons All Must Hail Aunt Jamima!

November 9th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

A few weeks ago, Bamboo Forest and I launched Wealthy Walrus, a website that asks you whether or not you’d take on a variety of challenges for millions of dollars.

Some of these challenges are somewhat reasonable. Most are downright insane. And the rest, well they’re simply disturbing.

The challenges presented on Wealthy Walrus are designed to be entertaining and thought provoking, but it turns out they provide us with some serious social commentary as well. And as the headline so subtly states, humanity is downright deranged.

I could babble on and on about the effect money has on the human psyche, but I’d prefer to let the results speak (mostly) for themselves.

Would you completely abandon your current life and everyone you’ve ever known for money? Well, if you’re anything like 77% of respondents you’d do it in a flash.

WOW. It’s good to know most of us would forgo life’s greatest miracle for some quick cash.  I don’t know about you, but I thank Baby Buddha each and every day that my parents never ran into the Wealthy Walrus prior to my conception.

The time traveling I can almost fathom, but how could the majority of us be willing to completely mess with the human race for a few million bucks? You’ve really let me down this time, society. Thanks to the Wealthy Walrus, I’ve finally realized that I live among devilish monsters, and it makes me ill.

You may be thinking to yourself, “But, Flying LlamaFish, didn’t you once write about the advantages of cloning yourself? Well… yes I did, but then again, I’ve never written a word on this blog without the aid of hallucinogens.

November 4th, 2010
Written by Bamboo Forest


Photo by Lance Shields

Listen up you son of a bitches because today’s a sad day.

Ever since I apologized to Darren Rowse for falsely accusing him of blacklisting me from guest posting on his blog, things have been spiraling out of control. And increasing the dosage of my meds doesn’t seem to help either.

::: Demon Taking Over PI Transmission :::

Didn’t you do a guest post for ProBlogger back in December of 2008? You did. Those reading this, click this link.

How could Darren Rowse blacklist Bamboo Forest when he already had a guest post published on his blog way back in 2008?

This Bamboo is a real nut case.

::: Demon Transmission Ends :::

You son of a bitch! I hate when demons take over the PI transmission. No one was supposed to know about that guest post!

Yes, yes and f&cking yes, I did a guest post in 2008 for Mr. Rowse.

But com’ on. Being put on a blacklist could take effect at ANY MOMENT.

But like it matters now. I already conceded that Mr. Rowse never blacklisted me.

LEAVE ME ALONE DEMONS!

The Real Reason Bamboo Writes for the Pun Intended Universe

Today’s a sad day because I have a terrible confession to reveal to all of you.

For a long time I thought I wrote for the joy of writing. But one afternoon while sipping a cold lemonada while sitting under a shady tree I had a dark epiphany about my true nature.

I write for love! I write for attention! I write so I have groupies (hello Yuki, Suki and Yun)!

I do not, however, write because I love it. I write because I’m lonely and want people to respect and love me.

I realize that sounds pathetic, but I’m only being honest with you all.

So many bloggers harp on how important it is to share ourselves with our audience and to talk about our personal experiences in life. And I’ve gotten a few emails from fans and haters who’ve said they wanted to know more about my personal life since I don’t often do that; it’s not my style.

Well, I’m following the advice of all the bloggers who blog on blogging… I’m sharing with you the real me, for the entire world to see.

I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry you all had the illusion that I write because I love it. That I write because it’s a creative need I must pour into the world. And that I write for any other reason than wanting people to like me.

If you thought any of the above was true, you couldn’t be more wrong.

I write so that people like me, period.

What My Personal-Development Colleagues Would Say

But you know what many of my personal-development colleagues would tell me about my confession? Do you?!

They’d say:

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” ~Andre Gide

Well… To hell with all you who don’t respect my reason for writing!!! I write for the reason I deem fit. And I’m not changing for any S.O.B.! Not even for you, Martha Stewart. And I will not under any circumstance attempt to write for reasons other than what moves me.

I will continue to write for the life of this blog for the sole reason that I want people to like me. I have no intention to change that 🙂

Hopefully I’ll continue to write kick-ass posts so that my objective is fulfilled, and you all already know that I’m the heavy weight blogger of the world.

Encourage me to keep writing, would ya?

In the comment section tell me you respect and love me for my writing 🙂 If I can get 10 comments it would mean the world to me!

It will make me feel loved!

P.S. – No haters please. I’m not stable and my new medication isn’t working

November 2nd, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

After six consecutive days of producing Halloween bliss, it’s time for Pun Intended to stop writing about All Hallow’s Eve, and time for us to swallow souls and eat small children.

In case you missed Halloweek, or simply wish to revisit some of the magic, here’s the rundown:

8 Most Vomit Inducing Halloween “Treats”

7 Scariest Towns to Trick-or-Treat

Make This Halloween a Ghost Dad Halloween

7 Most Glorious Halloween Costumes

7 Reasons Halloween is Superior to Christmas

Pun Intended Presents: Halloweek

P.S. Bamboo Forest and I rarely swallow the souls of our readers. If we do it’s nothing personal, and most likely accidental.

October 30th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

1. Halloween is a holiday for absolutely everyone. If there’s one thing your Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Atheist friends can all agree on, it’s that candy is awesome.

2. If you dress up like Satan on Halloween, you’ll receive massive amounts of candy. If you try that on Christmas, you’ll be exorcised.

3. At Christmas time you’re obligated to spend your hard-earned money buying everyone presents they’ll never use. On Halloween you’re merely required to overindulge on fun.

4. On All Hallow’s Eve, you’ll face no peer pressure to awkwardly bring a tree inside your home.

5. Christmas requires you to wake up before the birds chirp. On Halloween, however, it’s perfectly acceptable to roll out of bed at 6pm.

6. Halloween doesn’t require you to endure six weeks of wretched “music.”

7. No matter how crazy things get, no overweight pedophile will sneak through your chimney in the wee hours of the night.

October 29th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish


photograph by Neeta Lind’s

Happy Halloweek, everyone!

It is my hope that no ghost or goblin inhabits your soul in the coming days. But even more importantly, may none of you be subjected to any of the following “treats.”

1. Candy Corn

Candy corn is synonymous with Halloween. It’s also synonymous with projectile vomit.

2. Raisins

If you must give out what looks like a collection of shriveled up insect carcasses, at least have the decency to make sure they’re covered in chocolate.

3. Toothbrushes

Listen kids, I give you full permission to trick the hell out of anyone that dares promote good hygiene on what should be the most gingivitis-friendly day of the year.

And if your night ends in the back of a police vehicle, tell them Flying LlamaFish sent you.

4. Pickle-Flavored Popsicles.

You might as well throw the eggs at your own home if you’re gonna pass out vegetables masquerading as a dessert.

5. Pennies


Photo by r-z

Throwing a few spare coins into a candy-filled sack is a crime against Halloween. And yes, consuming copper will cause you to lose your lunch.

6. Circus Peanuts

Look at circus peanut. Vomit. Repeat.

7. Empty Cauldron With No Candy Left

Come on, lazy pants. You know some snot-nosed bully is gonna take every last morsel of candy before the sun even goes down. Quit pretending like you’re out of town, turn on your porch light, and give the tykes some treats.

8. Razor blade filled apples

I don’t know about you, but it really burns my bacon when I bite into a newly acquired apple and blood gushes all over my costume.

October 28th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

Once every decade (or so) a movie comes along that forever influences the art of film.

Let me provide you with some examples:

  1. 1930s: Gone With The Wind
  2. 1940s: Citizen Kane
  3. 1960s: 2001: A Space Odyssey
  4. 1970s: Star Wars

Well, the 90s eventually came around and Bill Cosby didn’t waste any time. The quintessential movie of the decade was released in the summer of 1990. The film I’m referring to, is of course, Ghost Dad.

The premise is the stuff of legend: In a nutshell, Mr. Cosby’s character dies and comes back as a ghost. Not even death can keep him from taking care of his three children.

I know what you’re thinking: Ghost Dad sounds amazing, but how can it enhance my Halloween experience?

Well, I’ll tell you how. Simply follow these 4 easy steps on October 31st, and you’ll fall head first into Halloween bliss.

1. Remove the cobwebs from your VCR player and insert Ghost Dad

2. Get in your comfortable position of choice

3. Press play (the triangle-looking button)

4. Munch on some candy corn, guzzle a 64 oz. Mr. Pib, and let the good times roll

Forget Trick-or-Treating. Forget costume parties. All the Halloween you’ll ever need is packed into 83 minutes of cinematic glory.

Did I mention Ghost Cosby can float and walk through walls?

October 27th, 2010
Written by Flying LlamaFish

7. Two-Person Horse

This costume has been badass since Herbert Hoover was in office. Just make sure to call dibs on the front.

6. Human Spork

You too could be 50% spoon. 50% fork. 100% Awesome.

5. Matthew Lesko

This outfit is so money. Don’t you think????????????????

4. The Golden Girls

The ideal getup for four young ladies eager to show off their wild sides.

3. Kangaroo with baby in pouch

The perfect parent-child costume.  Don’t be afraid to rock it like Kanga and Roo.

2. Benjamin Franklin

Dress up like a true American hero. And, if you’re feeling extra adventurous, round up a few of your favorite Founding Fathers and party like it’s 1776.

1. The Hamburglar

Absolutely nothing could top dressing up like the convict voted most likely to steal hamburgers 30 years in a row.

Honorable Mentions:

– Cap’n Crunch

– Bill Nye the Science Guy

– A Chilean coal miner

October 26th, 2010


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