Photo by ~Soan
What if I told you that one morning your kids are going to awaken to a world that no longer has any forests left?
That’s our near future if we don’t act:
“Forests still cover about 30 percent of the world’s land area, but swaths the size of Panama are lost each and every year,” says National Geographic. [Emphasis mine]
The paper towel industry, once a major cause of forest depletion has largely been replaced by electric hand dryers.
There’s only one problem: What about toilet paper?
Do you have any idea how many trees are killed in the name of toilet paper? Did you know that if you took every roll of toilet paper ever produced and stacked them side by side they’d circle the globe 14,000 times? Does this not disturb you?
Wiping our behinds with toilet paper is a colossal waste of resources and someone has got to speak out against it… Well, folks, looks like that someone is gonna have to be me, Bamboo Forest.
Do you know what a bidet is? It’s a system that sprays up water into your butt hole, sorta like a broken water fountain. It renders toilet paper obsolete resulting in tens-of-millions of trees being saved each day.
In the event you don’t know what it is, you soon will, if I get my way that is. You see, I’m working with Congress to pass into legislation a bill that will mandate bidets in all public schools, shopping malls, federal buildings, public parks, and, yes, your “private domicile” as well. My legislation will put a permanent end to toilet paper usage in the United States of America.
If you got youngins at home, you’re going to have to train them in the ways of the bidet. Most young children already have an affinity for squirt guns, so they’re likely to take an immediate liking to this new method of cleanliness. Cooperation among parents and their young children is key if we’re to save our world from the predicted depletion of our wild-lands.
Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but the other day I spoke on the phone with President Obama and he’s blown away by my plan.
He understands the importance of environmental responsibility by developing sensible plans to alleviate the immediate crisis of deforestation. And what could possibly be more sensible and effective than mandating bidets over toilet paper?
All the Nations of Earth will praise the United States as we beam with pride, celebrating our victory in being the world’s leading innovators to ensure our forests thrive for future generations. They will undoubtedly follow in our foot steps, too.
A legislative committee is currently debating the merit of this bill. I’m in close talks with many of our elected leaders; they truly understand the influence I wield here at Pun Intended.
This bill should be on the senate floor speedily if we stand together in unison, showing our support. And I’m confident that if it does pass… it will go down as one of the most historic laws ever to come to fruition in this great Nation of ours. In a very short time my name will be synonymous with Rachel Carson in the field of environmentalism. It will also put Pun Intended on the map, which is kinda important to me.
But there’s one obstacle… And, yes, there always seems to be a “butt,” now doesn’t there?
President Obama conveys he wants Americans as well as foreigners (even you Australians) to rally behind this impending bill. He wants an open show of support, which will definitely influence law makers.
He’s decided (and wisely so) to use Pun Intended as the principle venue to demonstrate the sheer enthusiasm for getting this bill passed.
President Obama has informed me that if this post receives an excess of 25 comments within a 48 hour period, that Congress will interpret this as an open show of the will of the people and thus will vote the law in.
The clock is now ticking…
Do you want to be a part of something greater than yourself? Do you want to be a key contributor to a sustainable future for your children and your children’s children?
I’m confident you will join me during this crucial time in our history.
Oh… and here’s the chocolate icing on the cake… The first 25 people to comment on this post will have all tax fees waved when getting installed their legislatively mandated bidets. The rest of ya’ all won’t be so lucky.
You will have a sparkling new bidet installed in each of your bathrooms, no fees. Does it get any better than that?
I don’t want to blaze this trail alone. I may have spearheaded the project, but the future of our woods (not woodies) is now in your hands.
I’ve held this torch proudly long enough and am now passing it on to you. Will you take it? Will you stand up and fight for the survival of our wild lands; for the very continuation of mankind?
Do you want to help save our forests? 25 comments in favor of this bill is all that’s necessary to ensure the survival of our natural resources, which are worth saving. Do you want your children to experience the same natural beauty that you had an opportunity to also enjoy? If so… Hold your head high and speak up… speak up… speak up! The floor is yours. And the lawmakers of the land are listening.
Thank you.
In accordance with the Bamboo Forest bidet bill, all used bidet water will be semi treated and used as drinking water within the contiguous United States. All relevant government agencies have assured used bidet water is completely safe, though it may have a slightly off grayish color that’s hardly noticeable and not a sign of any danger for human consumption. The flavor will only slightly change.
Photo by ~GothicSky
I’m in…
This seems lucky. I’m commenter #2. On a post about TP. It can’t be a coincidence BF. You have my full support. Finally, an answer to the timeless question, “Who does number 2 work for?” Who??? I work for you, that’s who.
This is so hilarious. I will support.
I’m with you brother. Go bidet, or go home!
Count me in!
Let’s go for a world full of bidets!
And it seems I’m still on time for my own without any fees (I’m a lucky one!)
Go Bamboo!
Raul
Bamboo- I think you are on to something. Why has this not been done before?-Seems like such a simple way to be green. I’m in!!
It’s an interesting idea, but one could argue that switching to bidets would put an unsustainable strain on our fresh water supply. The problem is that a greywater recycling system would be unfeasible, because who wants old dishwasher water in their bunghole?
In general, the current approaches to fixing our planet don’t account for the fact that everything is interconnected, so if we stop using gas by converting to ethanol, we need to increase the amount of corn or soybeans that are grown. To do this, farmers clear cut forests to make room for their new farms – exacerbating global warming in the process. So the government steps in and makes it illegal for corn and soybean farmers to buy and clear cut forests. Then those farmers just buy other existing farms (ex. potatoes, tobacco, etc.) and those displaced farmers then go and clear cut forests to make way for their crops.
The only clear solution I see is less consumption, but we are greedy! So, the only solution left is less population. Perhaps China was on the right track with their limits on offspring.
That’s right, from toilet paper to quasi-support of Chinese offspring regulation in 185 words, beotch.
The bidet is the greatest invention ever. Ever! I’m on board.
Thanks guys for helping me try to pass this bill.
I didn’t campaign enough. I didn’t write it all well enough. In short: I failed.
However…
You think that’s going to stop me from getting my hustle on and doing what gots to be done? This isn’t a movie, ya’all. This is life. And in life we don’t always succeed, sometimes we fail. But you know what? The game ain’t over yet, and I’m still playing.
Stay tuned…
Oh. I’m too late, but I would’ve supported you all the way until bidets were everywhere. I really would have!
Just think about. If we had this legislation, there would be no more t-paper getting stuck to our shoes or worse. Also, as a woman, there’s nothing worse than getting into the public toilet when you really need to go only to discover there’s NO t-paper! Well, actually this applies to men, too:~)
You did not fail Bamboo Forest. I failed you for not hearing the cry of t-paper freedom sooner:~(
I hope you will go back to Obama and tell him you need more time. If that doesn’t work then perhaps we can set up a covert operation and steal all the t-paper in the White House. Then you can give Obama a call. He might feel differently about the bidet legislation if he had no t-paper.
@ Sara: Thank you Sara. Your message is well received. haha, I think I’m going to give your suggestion a real try.