Photo by djwudi
This is a guest post by Ryan D. Scott of Oktober5.
In this post I will prove to you in no uncertain terms that the following is true: You are suicidal. You can deny my logic, but you’re digging your own grave. This is some serious shizzle-dip, so listen up.
Your “job” is rotting your soul
How could you possibly imagine that sitting on your duff for 8 to 10 hours (or more) a day in a high-stress, stuffy environment was going to help you out? Sure, you’re taking home a paycheck, but the only thing you’re going to be using that money for is aspirin, cable TV, and your impending funeral.
Doing something you hate for 8 hours a day also tends to rot the happiness right out of you. Sure, when you were a kid you wanted to be a fireman or a poet, but now you’re a brain-washed paper pusher, taught to believe that a firefighter or poet’s paycheck isn’t big enough to support you. Oh, that’s right, you’re spending your paycheck on bucket-loads of aspirin. My bad.
Submarine Stress is about to torpedo your ticker
Stress is caused by having a bad attitude. All that work and no play must be wearing on you. And wouldn’t you agree that your job was the biggest stress-creator in your life? Well, guess what? All that stress is silently eroding key tissues in your insides (i.e. your heart).
Stress is aging you prematurely, like that one dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who “chose poorly.” You remember the guy–he chose the wrong cup and basically drank eternal damnation, causing a rather unpleasant reaction involving his eyes falling out of his head and his bones turning to dust.
Sure, that’s an exaggerated scenario, but don’t think it couldn’t happen to you. Stress is wicked like that.
You eat like a pregnant hippo
I’ve seen a hippo devour large pumpkins in one gulp, and I’ve seen the regulars at the local all-you-can-eat buffets going to town with the fried chicken, and let me tell you something: there is no difference. Admit it, you crave fat, sugar, salt, and anything deep-fried, and you’ll pay extra if you get all that at once.
Portion control? Heck no! You’re getting your money’s worth, even if it takes you all day. And it will, because you’re suicidal.
It’s time to wake up and smell the sweat coming off your brow as you tighten the noose. You’re committing suicide.
Stop now and there may still be hope.
And when you get control of yourself, could you pass the Cheez Whiz?
Ryan D. Scott recently started a new blog at MakeComedy.com, and you can grab his RSS Feed here.
Ryan, funny stuff, so true. I can’t deny your logic! I need to go get a shovel!
-Nate
Funny picture!
Your “job” is rotting your soul – not true: I don’t have a job.
Submarine Stress is about to torpedo your ticker – I got off the submarine in April 1977 and “submariners do it deeper.” I left the stress at the job 2 years ago.
You eat like a pregnant hippo – How did you know?
Nate — Shovel away, pal. And the truth is a lot more funny than we ever thought–I’m glad you agree.
Mike — Ha! Well said. And I don’t know how I knew. I guess I could have made it up and it was just coincidence that I was right? (It would be the first time.)
It’s true! It’s all true!
This is comforting to me, as my departure from the cubicle life is the one that’s appearing like a suicide — at least to a rational, common-sensical mind. I hope they are the wrong ones.
ari
Congratulations, Ryan, for being the first guest poster in the history of the P.I. Universe.
Well done!
How did you get such a dimwit to post here?
I agree Hani, this post is hilarious.
Ocatvius? You don’t speak to our guest posters like that! What the hell is wrong with you?! Me and you are going to have a little talk later.
Mama Zen — I try not to lie when I can help it. And the truth is more convincing anyway. And, now that I think about it, the truth is a whole lot more funny.
Ari — By all worldly estimations, you and I are failing. We’re tanking our careers and financial security. I don’t think their wrong either; but just because they are right doesn’t mean we are wrong.
Hani — Thanks! It’s a true honor. You’re now my best friend.
Octavius — Hey, do you remember the election? Yeah… remember how you came in dead last? That was pretty awesome, huh…. If you think I’m afraid to punch an octopus wearing glasses, you’re dead wrong (with emphasis on the ‘dead’).
Bamboo Forest — As I’m thinking about the “little talk” you and Octavius are going to have later, I’m reminded that if you chop off the leg of an octopus it supposedly can grow back. Maybe you should test that theory….? Just saying.
Haha nice post, I actually did seriously consider commiting suicide once. Over a girl, how lame!
Thanks for the humour!
[...] in an effort to create another blog to add to my empire. Just last night the kind gentlemen at PunIntended.com blew on the sparks I had generated and started a small flame. (Again, this is all figurative; I’m not really starting real, [...]
Glen — I’m glad you didn’t go through with it–that would have been more lamer
I think that Octavius should have his mouth washed out with soap!!!- Also- maybe spend a little time in some ” time-out” seaweed chair in the deepest corner of the PI ocean!