Ever had an awkward experience? You know, those that make you want to escape into a land occupied by fairies.
Many consider me an authority on awkward experiences, which is why you’re in for a treat.
A couple awkward experiences I’ve experienced:
- Bumping your head and then trying to act as if nothing unusual happened (WTF, you just bumped your head!)
- Getting caught picking your shnoz (Has happened to me many, many times)
- Noticing your zipper is down after spending an evening at a dinner party (don’t ask)
- Asking a girl for her number and being told no (Bamboo’s no foreigner to rejection)
After experiencing a ridiculous number of awkward experiences in my life, I’ve finally discovered a solution to them that will blow your mind.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn (TOOT TOOT), but I’m insanely proud of my revelation:
When these awkward things happen to you… face them head on by breaking into your best acappella.
Ever seen a musical?
You know, when a group of people simultaneously break into song and dance, trying to persuade you they haven’t been rehearsing that number for weeks?
Screw that bologna!
Just do your thing. When you’re picking your nose at a red light and the car beside you takes a looky, glance over at them and signal them to put their window down. Once they do, start singing with all your might,
“Listen, boy… you caught me picking my shnoz (clap clap)… Could anything be more embarraaasiiiing? I ask you…..”
The secret to making this technique work is you have to sing with the joy of a child whose just pulled off a prank.
I tried out my method last week when I was taking a dump in a local restroom when suddenly the toilet started ejecting water like Old Faithful. Not only did my rear get drenched, but it was as if the meteorological phenomenon of flash flooding just visited the John.
I could see shoes underneath the crack scurrying in all directions and I felt so awkward I wanted to die, until…
I started breaking into my best acappella:
“I simply wanted to take a dump in peace… I guess I haaaad to really go, since I managed to clog the toilet with the three breakfast burritos I had this mooooorning……. Run, fellas, run… or you’re going to get your sneaks WET”
You know… it’s not like I planned to break into song. It was the result of what’s known as ‘fight or flight’. I was mortified and didn’t know what to do. Spontaneously, out of desperation, I started singing about what was happening, and henceforth this strategy is what I use whenever I feel awkward.
As I was walking out of the restroom (with my jeans completely waterlogged) I was singing up a storm; people in the mall were staring at me like I lost all my marbles. A few of the maintenance workers were rolling their eyes at me as I was exiting, leaving a trail of feces sullied water in my wake.
By no means did I lose my marbles… I was merely dealing with what otherwise would have been insanely embarrassing.
Clearly, this strategy is effective when the toilet bowl decides to mimic the geysers of nature.
But what about other kinds of awkward experiences? Could this technique be used for them, too? Let us know in the comment section.
P.S. – While taking the pictures for this post, I almost got arrested. The security guard tried to tell me I’m a perv for taking photographs inside the stalls. I’m NOT a perv, you JERK! I’m a blogger. He didn’t seem to believe me, though.
What an asshole 🙂