The Stain Demon Can and Will Taint Your Life « Pun Intended
Written by Bamboo Forest

What you see above this sentence is my shirt. It was disgraced – violated by the stain demon.

Just like cavities – stains in your favorite clothes are a fact of life. They come when you least expect it and astonishingly, they never get easier to handle. They are always distressful, always a reason to put a frown on your face.

You know how it starts. The waiter brings you out a salad; you innocently begin to poke your fork into it and bring some leaves to your mouth when suddenly what was just a bowl of lettuce has turned into a broken sprinkler. What follows is the deepest and most provocative groan you ever heard. It sounds pathetic yet beautiful at the same time.

You grab your napkin and contaminate your glass of ice water with it. Then, you begin rubbing the discoloration on your shirt or pants. You’re not done yet though… the fun is just getting started.

You scurry off to the washroom while trying to keep your head up, preventing any impressions that you’ve just lost all of the dignity you previously had.

In the restroom you take one good look at yourself in the mirror before you continue on with your fiasco. What goes through your mind during that look in the mirror is anyones guess – but it’s probably pretty sad. If you’re like me, by the time you’re done with your little stain ritual, you’re walking out of the laboratory looking like you forgot to unzip your pants before you pee’d.

The Tooth Fairy’s evil cousin visits us all. Wherever food can be found, he makes his way there. He’s particularly enthusiastic when sauces and oils are present – when they are – he explodes with celebration.

There’s really only two choices in this life of ours. We can either live in a bubble and be fed intravenously or intermingle with friends and family when dining.

The stain demon will forever be knocking on your door when you consume food. And don’t be so naïve to think that if he’s just made a visit, it’s his last. Nonsense.

You two have another date yet. Not just you, but your favorite garment too.

Photo by jyri

31 Responses to “The Stain Demon Can and Will Taint Your Life”
  1. I have two kids and I fly a transatlantic flight once a year. With the kids.

    I think I can teach you a thing or two about STAINS.

    Still, you wrote it really well. Nodded my head in agreement throughout.

  2. Well said, brother. Nothing worse than when the Stain Demon comes to town.

  3. Hi Bamboo,

    Me and my friends have a theory. Whenever you’re going out to eat, wear the same color top as the food you’re going to be eating. Eating Italian (red sauces)? Wear red. Eating steak or something else dark? Wear something dark. Etc…

    This didn’t work for me last week. We went to Costco and I was wearing a turquoise color t-shirt. I tasted a sample of pasta with olive oil. Wouldn’t you know it, I dripped the olive oil on the front of my shirt. With no way of correcting that mishap, I walked around the store looking like I was getting ready for the Star Spangled Banner with my hand over my upper chest. Not pretty!

  4. @ Vered: Your scenario sounds very stainy for lack of a better word!

    @ LlamaFish: True that.

    @ Barbara: I love your theory! It’s brilliant! I happen to eat a lot of olive oil. And, it’s really bad news when it comes to stains.

  5. Robin says:

    Hi Bamboo

    Nice shirt – pity The Stain Demon likes it too hehe. Maybe you could take up wearing tropical prints.

  6. Scott McIntyre says:

    I can totally empathise with the mortifying ‘pee’d pants’ look, Bamboo.

    The growing horror as one realises it is happening is a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Once it starts, there is NO way back.

    Retaliating just magnifies his power…

  7. I remember back in university I’d gone out to each breakfast with friends then going record shopping (we were in university after all). Five of us sat at a booth for four, so I ended up on the outside on a chair. My plate of over-easy eggs, sausage, hashbrowns and toast was balanced on the edge (not being any room for the five large plates any other way). The Stain Demon decided to visit me at that moment and flipped the whole plate into my lap.

    Did I run away screaming? Did I die of shame? Did I go home and sulk? No! I refused to let the Stain Demon win, so I switched coats with a friend (he had a trench coat thing going) and spent the rest of the day wrapped to the knees even inside…

  8. Writer Dad says:

    When you have children, the stain monster has children too.

  9. Sal says:

    This is hilarious. I knew there was always someone behind that evildoing! Have you ever seen the commercials for Tide to go with the talking stain. I bust out laughing every time I see them.

  10. Natural says:

    LOL. I hate when stains mysteriously appear on clothes. I don’t know what goes on in that washing machine, but I don’t like it. I get stains on my shirt and they come out with stains that were not there. Ugggh.

  11. Luis Gross says:

    Bamboo,

    Tell me about it. Stains suck!

    But, you know what sucks more? It seems that when I wear my “everyday” sort of clothes, everything is fine, nothing happens.

    But as soon as I “dress up”, for some reason, things just go terribly wrong. It’s like there really is a darn stain demon; out to get you only when it counts — when you’re best dressed!

    Listen to Sal! That talking stain Tide commercial is hilarious! If you haven’t seen it check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmD7joJNE0c

    Awesome post!

  12. @ Robin: Good point about tropical prints. Stains would probably compliment them.

    @ Scott: Retaliating does magnify his power. Excellent point.

    @ Alex: That’s a good story, thanks for sharing.

    @ Writer Dad: lol

    @ Sal: I just saw it now, thanks to Luis. It is hilarious!

    @ Natural: They so mysteriously appear on clothes. I don’t even remember how I got the one on this shirt I’m showcasing.

    @ Luis: When you’re wearing clothes you really appreciate, it’s a real bummer when the stain demon comes for a visit. Thank you for sharing that link! It gave me a good crack up!!

  13. raquel says:

    this article is for serious.

  14. Lance says:

    I’ve been attacked by the stain monster more than once (many times come to think of it). The worst time didn’t involve food. It involved a baby. My oldest son. He was about three months old, and we were having him baptized. I was holding him against my chest, face out. He loaded his diaper. Really loaded it. And then some. As in, on my white shirt. Nowhere to go. The only think I could do was continue to hold him there to “try” and cover it up. Nasty…

  15. Marelisa says:

    There’s nothing worse than getting a stain that won’t come out on a piece of clothing that you love. I’ve actually been pretty stain-free for a while now. I guess I’m due a visit from the stain demon any day now 🙂

  16. Evelyn Lim says:

    I enjoyed the creativity that is involved in this post. Stain demon, alright! My kids get them all the time but they are never bothered. I seldom get a stain but if I do, it can bother me all night. If my kids get one, I may be looking at it throughout the outing too. Is there a lesson in this?

  17. Al at 7P says:

    It’s hard to leave the restroom with dignity when you have that big wet spot on the shirt or pants, isn’t it! However if it’s a favorite shirt or pants, I sometimes gotta bite the bullet.

  18. @ Raquel: Indeed it is.

    @ Lance: You bring new meaning to the stain demon. Great story.

    @ Marelisa: Stains are a bummer with clothes we adore. Yes.

    @ Evelyn Lim: Your kids are never bothered by it! They are more enlightened than we are. Good point, as I do believe there is a lesson. I’ll have to think on that.

    @ Al: Yes, me too.

  19. sean says:

    white shirts + spaghetti bolognaise = stains!!!

    I know it is going to happen and that i should change my shirt but i still eat it anyway.

    glad to know i’m not the only one who gets distressed over it.

    😉

  20. Tim Brownson says:

    Ladies don’t read this.

    Is there any guy here that has been wearing chinos and had a slight accident, if you know what I mean on visiting the bathroom. And then gone to wash their hands and splashed water everywhere so they could blame an over aggressive faucet on the multitude of wet patches?

    Obviously I haven’t, just wondered if anybody here had.

  21. Tabbie says:

    I love that Tide talking stain commercial. Hahaha it is hilarious! But what a great post you have made here Bamboo Forest! I dropped a bottle of white correction fluid on my desk the other day. The brush-cap was in my hand when this happened, naturally, and the bottle landed perfectly upright with a bang and a big BLOOP! Of course I immediately tried to remove the stain with rubbing alcohol, but all I achieved was a smoothing of the edges of the stain which gave it a more “natural” appearance…and for the rest of the day I was forced to walk around looking like a bird had flown over and relieved himself on the front of my shirt. Talk about a lesson in humility!

  22. @ Tim: LOL. I’ve had those slight accidents you speak of >_> LOL.

    @ Tabbie: Good point. I can see how such a scenario could actually help us build a little humility!

  23. @ Sean: Welcome. That does sound like a recipe of stains. 🙂

  24. Between my daughter, my husband, and myself, I am not officially a stain removing pro.

  25. lol@ the stained demon

  26. Linda Abbit says:

    I learned the hard way, whatever you do, DON’T use a red paper napkin to wipe stains off your clothes. UGH — that stain was mortifying!

    Also, don’t fall in a mud puddle with white pants on. My family still gets hysterical over that one.

  27. Hey there, coming over from Writer Dad’s place.
    I think this must be a ‘man’ thing. My husband can’t eat a meal without getting something down him. He even resorts to tucking a napkin in his collar when he’s wearing something particularly special (you can imagine what we must look like on a night out can’t you!).

  28. I try to avoid white garments at all cost. I believe white garments to the Stain Demon are like red flags to a bull.

  29. Harmony says:

    Okay…now here is the point the nudists make! Skin rarely stains for good! 🙂

    But stains happen naked or not. You are right Bamboo…and they seem most obvious to the bearer.

  30. @ Piolo Pascual: Glad you like it 🙂

    @ Linda: Red paper napkin? Thanks for the heads up!

    @ Tara: I already like your husband.

    @ Urban Panther: Excellent point.

    @ Harmony: Fair point, but I’ll still get dressed in the morning 🙂

  31. @ Shamelessly Sassy: Heh, I believe it.

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