What The Hell are Toothpicks For? « Pun Intended
Written by Bamboo Forest


Photo by twodolla

I take a toothpick at the end of a good meal like the best of ‘em. That, however, doesn’t demonstrate they have any use. Far from it.

Did you know that every restaurant on planet earth has toothpicks by the exit door? Did you also know that roughly 33% of all patrons take one, and the vast majority of those that do have no idea why they do?

It’s true.

While I’m not going to get into the whole conspiracy hub bub of the existence of toothpicks and the shadow governments behind their creation, I will point out that this is how the Illuminati funds much of their evil activities.

It’s pretty brilliant when you think about it. They’ve propped up a false necessity within world society for sharp wooden sticks at the end of a meal, and restaurants everywhere buy them by the boat loads.

Toothpicks are housed in one of three ways:

  • They’re plastic wrapped sitting in a square little box.
  • When the establishment wants to get cute, they’ll have this contraption thingy-ma-jig that dispenses the toothpick by turning a round little nob.
  • Other times you’ll have a jar with naked toothpicks. Definitely not hygienic; think of all the hands that have preceded yours in picking out a pick

Really, what the hell are toothpicks for? Once I was in a restaurant when a little boy stabbed his sister with one. If you can harm another human being with one of those things, why the hell would you stick it in your mouth? What gives? Is there something I’m missing?

And yet, acknowledging this, I still take the dastardly thing at the end of every meal and shove it in my mouth.

Often, I’ll put one in my mouth while fishing for another, placing it in my ear crevice to save for later. Why? Because I act like a real jack ass sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you should. It also doesn’t mean there’s any real purpose for toothpicks.

7 Responses to “What The Hell are Toothpicks For?”
  1. Flying LlamaFish says:

    The Illuminati is definitely behind toothpicks. I often find myself picking at my gums with them.

  2. Margaret says:

    The Illuminati – ah, that makes sense. They’re probably just trying to achieve world domination by controlling the supply.

  3. @ Flying LlamaFish: There’s no doubt. I do the same, too.

    @ Margaret: They’re much more evil than you can possibly imagine.

  4. Not gonna lie, I’m right there with ya. I grab one after every damn meal assuming they have some. Though I prefer the one’s wrapped in plastic because then I don’t have to worry about someone (who didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom) slobbing all over ’em, heh.

  5. @ Ricardo: Plastic wrapped picks are vastly superior to naked picks.

  6. I don’t know why people have them in their mouth just to have them in their mouth. Are they ex-smokers? The few times I’ve used them for their intended purpose, it was to removed some lodged piece of whatever I ate. BUT, the few times I did that, I left a piece of the stupid pick between my teeth and had to wait till I could get dental floss!

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