Photo by wwarby
Physical violence makes you an animal – not a man.
Is it not strange there are those among us who believe they are more of a man if they are capable of overcoming another individual in a fist fight?
I find it really really strange.
In my life, I’ve been in two fist fights with an exchange of blows. I’ve also been physically assaulted 3 times:
- In 8th grade a kid walked up to me and swung (while in class), punching me in the nose.
- Some dude was wringing his long wet hair of water over my desk after coming in from the rain, creating a little shower (also in class and in 8th grade), so I pushed him away. In response he punches me in the ear, and for the remainder of the day my ear was glowing red like Rudolph’s nose. I think the kid was on drugs and a little insane, honestly.
- Finally, in elementary school, I was randomly punched in the stomach while on my way to class.
So yeah, I’ve been involved in my fair share of violence… My name is Bamboo Forest.
Why anyone would pick a fight with a guy named Bamboo Forest is beyond me (are they nuts?). But hey… why does anyone do what they do in this big bad world.
I love martial arts. I’ve studied for many years. I love Bruce Lee and I love Jet Li.
But I don’t like the false notion that punching someone’s face in makes you a man. If this were true, then the biggest of all men would be a lion. You can take any human being from time immemorial to now and not one of them would survive in the ring with a lion. Not one.
And yet, a lion remains a beast, an animal: not a man.
A lion will attack when it feels like it, when its instincts say so. It will never ask itself if what it’s about to do is right, or good, or wise. In short, it’s a slave to its base nature and nothing else.
But no human being should be a slave. Yet, those parading around like they’re all hard are often the weakest of the bunch. Violence and intimidation is a product of giving into pressure: The pressure of your environment, your peers and a yearning to feel special and important.
It is not, however, the result of being a man. That is for sure.
One of the easiest things to do in this life is to give into your base nature. Anyone can do it. When we feel like getting angry and lashing out at others – giving people a piece of our mind – doing so makes us appear intimidating and tough. But in truth, we’ve just lost.
There are, however, definitely times to fight. There are times to defend ourselves and those we love. We do so, though, only when the circumstances call for it; when it’s truly the right decision. Fighting, then, is not the act that makes us men. Making the right choice at the right time is what makes us men. And this is why abstaining from fighting can make us just as much men as going to battle.
When emotions rule us, and our false ideas of what make us men preside over us, we live a life devoid of honor and that’s a wasted life.
When others lash out at us and we remain calm and composed, filled with compassion, opting not to bark back, we are the ones with strength. When someone challenges us to a fight, and all we have to do to avoid it is to say ‘no’ and we do say ‘no’, we have demonstrated we are the ones who are disciplined. When we feel like crap and have the inclination to exude our misery to the world, yet choose to have a friendly disposition instead: we have shown true power.
It’s easy to mistake weakness for strength.
Lao Tzu was right when he said:
He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty.
Illustration by Agustin Acosta Vargas
“He who conquers himself is mighty.” I love that statement. I admire people who can be assertive rather than aggressive. My mother had a rage problem and she has been one of my greatest teachers. She taught me to have compassion for anger in others… or at least I’m learning this as I go… haven’t quite conquered it yet.
I’ve never been a fighter. However, for some reason, when I was in high school in Texas, a kid with the last name of Dixon kept pushing at me, pushing at me, wanting me to fight him.
Finally, though I was terrified of getting hurt, I agreed to meet him later in the boys room.
Before the time came to meet , though, I was called out of Geometry class and sent to “the office.” It turned out that Dixon had chickened out when I agreed and had gone to the Principal. Of course we both got “swats” on our rears. It was Texas in the 60s, after all.
I heard recently that Dixon never really amounted to anything and died miserably.
Other grade school where I had finally lost it — kind of like Ralphie in a Christmas story — and pummeled a bully while I straddled him with a crowd of kids around, I’ve never actually been in a fight…, and never have had the desire to fight.
This said it for me: “When others lash out at us and we remain calm and composed, filled with compassion, opting not to bark back, we are the ones with strength.”
A thoughtful and insightful post!
@ Davina: Dealing with the rage of others can be a true test.
@ Mike: You gotta watch out for kids with the last name Dixon – that is for sure.
Interesting story, would not have expected that he would chicken out, and go to the Principal’s office. That’s a surprise. Better outcome, though, then actually engaging.
That is quite an image, that scene from the Christmas story.
@ BC Doan: Thank you. Glad you found it of value.
Hi Bamboo – I love that final line. “He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty”.
This also reminds of of men who hit women and think that makes them look tough and in control. Sad! Very sad!
@ Barbara: Such acts make a man a disgrace.
I like the animal comparison. Fighting proves your natural abilities are strong and you could survive as an animal in the wild. But it doesn’t make you manly or show any moral worth. A three-year-old can really lay into you if he’s upset, but whether or not he’ll win doesn’t make him a man. A man can often beat up a woman, but doing so proves that he feels the need to beat up someone smaller…not a mature response, more like the three-year-old. If anything, it makes him less of a man.
I don’t know if that’s true of all fighting, but it’s true of a lot of it.
Unfortunately, in a society where people don’t need to fight (or hunt) to guarantee the survival of their families or really anything else, the idea of fighting=manliness hasn’t died out with the need.
@ Ruth: You say, “But it doesn’t make you manly or show any moral worth.” This is certain.
I like how you use the three-year-old to demonstrate your point. Well said.
I think one of the main reasons fighting doesn’t prove you a man is because you can be a man and do your duty to fight when the incident demands it — if it does. But if you lose, the perpetrator who caused you harm is not the bigger man for it. Far from it. That is why, it is making the right choice at the right time that makes one a man. Making that right choice is often extremely difficult.
I think you’re largely right, that it hasn’t died out among many.
Great post and fantastic ending with Lao Tzu quote – loved a lot.
I call it emotional intelligence and practice it massively. It works with kids, colleagues, bosses, tough customers, spouse…. – you name it.
John Wooden thinks that emotions are our enemy. I kinda agree with this.
“He who conquers himself is mighty” – bull eye!
@ Alik: Thank you. “Emotional intelligence” That is a good way to put it. We really have to watch ourselves.
hi Bamboo-
Great post- as always!!!!
Hope the “thugs’ are paying attention!! The mightiness of the brain far supersedes the mightiness of the brawn!! ” Let the meek inherit the earth”- not the religious connotation -but the very accepted literary version. -
As usual you tapped into something that has some kind of
meaning for most of us. Thanks for your insight.
Those who feel they are “more of a man” because they can defeat another in a fight are stuck in primitive thinking, misled by the society around them that is disillusioned from that which is, and thus perpetuate the disillusionment through their interactions with others.
My thoughts anyway.
I think that the next logical question is how do you deal with certain people.
I’m a fan of Cesar Milan, the dog whisperer, and one of his first rules is to be the pack leader. He’s telling you to play the role of another animal, and to not treat your dog like a human.
Now, I believe that there are people who are more animal than human. Just like a dog, these people don’t understand logic and reason because they’re like animals. These are the people that you speak of, Bamboo.
When you’re dealing with these people, you have two choices. 1. Walk away. And 2. Be a bigger animal than them.
I’ve only been in one real fight before, and I chose to be a bigger animal than them. However, just like an animal, he had his entire herd attack me.
By walking away, or trying to reason with him, I would have gotten nowhere, but because I spoke with him in his “language”, he had a much higher respect for me afterward.
@ Patti: “Thug” is a good word, as I think it is sometimes glorified. And for what?
@ ChasingSanity: Well said.
@ Trey Baird: I would argue, that when you have to be 2 — if you do — you’re doing so through intellectual reasons, so you’re not really being a bigger animal. You’re merely acting like an animal. If that makes sense.
I think that is cowardly when groups attack one.
Very nice post!!
Once I learned that the true battle is with the self, it all got a lot clearer.
I do not like bullies that do not know when to back off, however. I also have an extensive background in the martial arts, and can offer them assistance, respectfully, of course
Thank you.
My boyfriend, who is at school far away from me, keeps getting into all these stupid fights with other males. It makes me incredibly angry and scared, since i am a very anit-violence person. I have tired to explain to him why fighting is stupid and wrong, and does not prove you are a man, but nothing will change his mind. Reading someone else’s views on the topic which echo mine is a great comfort. Very well writen,
Cheers,
Zen.
@ Zenron: Thank you. Yes, the proclivity to get into fights is never good.